Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 110

**namelesswonder** · 05-18-2012, 11:09 AM

Thanks, MF, I appreciate the thoughts.

I am feeling sick again. I'm having lunch now so I'm hoping that will help. I wonder if this is "high carb flu" or some shit like that? Maybe I tempted fate with too many carbs and my hypoglycemia is back with a vengeance? It used to just be that awful shaking with hunger feeling and irritability when I hadn't eaten for a few hours and especially in the morning. I am getting upset now because I'm frustrated with feeling ill. At least it's a Friday. Maybe I can prod ASDF to entertain me more, I'm bored!

**namelesswonder** · 05-21-2012, 08:30 AM

This post may be very disjointed. I just cannot get my brain to function properly today.

I feel like I am stuck in a cycle right now, and have been for the past couple of weeks. I feel like I am thinking too much, which is a dangerous way for me to feel, much like when I'm bored. Too much danger. Stressed about being stressed. Depressed as a result. Don't feel equipped to fix it/deal with it. Need another day off, thank goodness it's going to be a long weekend (and I get paid Friday). I really want to start St John's Wort, but feel like I can't justify making more personal purchases before the month is over.

The weekend started off really well and it was overall a good weekend, but there was too much worrying in it. I did not talk to my dad and I think I might cop-out and email him. I was the one growing up that would leave notes on pillows when I wanted to talk but was not comfortable starting the conversation. My family is used to this, so it might make it easier, but I worry that I will not be able to effectively convey my feelings via text (lack of tone) and that I will not understand his response if he does not propose a time/place to discuss in person. I don't think today is a good day for me to try to articulate myself in general, so this is getting put off for very good reason.

Saturday, we cleaned the apartment. Boyfriend made a proposition: that he would make dinner 5 nights out of the week if I take care of the litter box. A tempting proposition, but I might ask if we could change it to 4 nights out of the week if he will always (or at least usually) have dinner ready by or before 8 or 8:30 pm. 8:30 is pushing it, I'd really rather eat as early as 7. Growing up, we usually ate at 6 or earlier so that plus having trouble sleeping if I eat too close to bedtime is not working well for me.

Saturday night
-had a HUGE sweet potato (we're talking probably 3" diameter) mashed and was too full to eat the pork chops I made to avoid drunken pizza consumption
-had more to drink than usual, thanks to carb-loading with sweet potato, I think. Drank some water, but not enough, and had 2 slices of pizza. Instantly bloated. Felt very guilty since all my friends know I am "paleo", but I realized they probably will not hold party behavior "against me", or probably don't really care.
-took the role of most-sober at the party (until the non-drinker showed up later) and as a result, worried about everything and could not stop worrying about everything because I was drunk. Legitimate worries, in some cases, about person who probably got a concussion when they hit their head on a radiator, then Boyfriend was drunkenly explaining how to treat a concussion in a way that probably did not put her at ease, then radiator-victim's boyfriend was ill in the bathroom, worrying her more. And I worried about it all, as is my nature.
-Slept like crap, which is what usually happens when I drink.

Sunday
-all day hang over, which means head-ache that only goes away with Ibuprofen so I dosed continuously throughout the day. Woke up with a headache last night, still, and still feeling off today. Hangover also means depressed. No energy. Played Diablo III until my wrist was stiff and my eyes felt buggy.
-Bloated. 2 more slices of pizza until guilt made me feel like crying about it so I ordered sushi and didn't enjoy it. It was warm by the time it got to us and so the rice was falling apart.

Feeling very "everything is wrong in the world" today. It's not even 11 AM (at time of writing, now 11:30 AM) and I am feeling like the day will never end. Not much going on at work today that I know how to fix/can work on immediately (waiting for answers in all things that I can think of) so I am struggling to find things online to keep me busy. Unfortunately I forgot to set up the books I downloaded to access at work, otherwise I'd be all over the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy, which I started last night.

There are some things going on at work that require my attention, but I really do not have the brain powder to deal with it today. I find it especially upsetting to be at work and not be able to do anything because I'm not functioning at even 50%, not just because there's nothing to do (which is the usual case).

**jenn26point2** · 05-21-2012, 09:00 AM

Wow... that's a lot of stuff in just a couple of posts. I'm sorry you didn't end up having the conversation with your dad. Once I was dating a guy that I knew my dad hated, and I overheard a comment he said to someone that really struck me and as a result I didn't talk to him for weeks. My mom (they're divorced) noticed I wasn't talking to him and told me that no matter what it was that he did, I need to just get over it b/c he won't be here forever, and I shouldn't waste the time I could have with him. She was right.

I know the comment your dad made and the comment my dad made are not related, but I have to rehash what my mom said. Chances are he didn't realize that what he was saying could be hurtful. I don't think he was being spiteful or mean when he said it, but then again, I didn't hear the tone given with the words of either his friend or your dad. But, again, he may not have realized his words could be hurtful. If you feel you MUST say something, then I would just drop him a note that says something like "Dad, I love you and I know you love me, but I want you to know that those words were hurtful to me". Hopefully he'll come back with "I'm sorry" and all can be forgiven and later forgotten.

Hugs.

**namelesswonder** · 05-21-2012, 10:14 AM

Keeping it simple is a good call. I get long-winded most of the time so something short and to the point is probably best, at least to start with.

Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: I am grateful.

Today's silver lining: the not-boss is going to be out of the office for the rest of the week, which should mean I will be much less stressed! Butting heads with him when I'm barely functioning is not fun mostly because telling him to shut the fuck up and let me go back to my desk is hanging on the tip of my tongue.

**jenn26point2** · 05-21-2012, 10:37 AM

Probably not a good thing to say...

**namelesswonder** · 05-21-2012, 11:28 AM

Haha yeap, but my family has given me a lot of practice at bottling up, and in this case, that's very good!

I am mentally checking out today and feeling a bit better for it. I don't have to be 100% all the time and today I'm definitely not. That's fine. It's a process. I think that's my mantra.

**namelesswonder** · 05-22-2012, 08:45 AM

I could not get to sleep last night. I think I got about 3 hours in. I was happy to convince Boyfriend to go to sleep around 3 AM. He had joined me around midnight, was worrying and couldn't sleep so he left. I gave up around 2:15 and read for a while. I didn't set an alarm for him today, he should wake up at a not too late hour.

I shouldn't read things like The Hunger Games trilogy when I'm upset, makes me more upset, but the second book was good. I'm trying to pace myself, but there's a good chance I'll wolf down the last book before I leave work today. Nothing is going on and I don't have the energy or brain power to do anything. I feel guilty being here, because I could be sleeping and potentially starting to feel better at home, but I'm sucking up the company's money doing nothing instead. Boyfriend had an interview at Home Depot, but afterwards they told him they interviewed him for a sales position, when he applied for and went in under the impression it was for stocking. He got a call-back and isn't going to go because of their deception.

Lack of sleep means lack of appetite. No breakfast and remembered as I was leaving about lunch, but didn't bring it. Also forgot to defrost food for tonight, but a bath in warm water should get the chicken defrosted within an hour or two. And just this time last week I was feeling so poorly and thought maybe it was because I wasn't eating enough, but I still feel somewhat ill and I've kind of given up figuring it out. Maybe it's one of the supplements.

I need answers. I get overwhelmed by the lack of answers for the problems in my life, sometimes, and right now, I cannot handle it. Thoughts of self harm briefly crossed my mind last night, but thinking about how beautiful my tattoo is somehow stopped me. I foresee a depressing and helpless feeling therapy session this Friday. Definitely something to talk about anyway.

I have not emailed my dad yet, since I'm still so out of sorts.

**jenn26point2** · 05-22-2012, 11:29 AM

I hate funky days. I hope it passes soon for you. (ps. I have nothing to do either and I'm soaking up company funds reading MDA. Might crack my textbook or go to my online class and dink around a bit).