This post may be very disjointed. I just cannot get my brain to function properly today.
I feel like I am stuck in a cycle right now, and have been for the past couple of weeks. I feel like I am thinking too much, which is a dangerous way for me to feel, much like when I'm bored. Too much danger. Stressed about being stressed. Depressed as a result. Don't feel equipped to fix it/deal with it. Need another day off, thank goodness it's going to be a long weekend (and I get paid Friday). I really want to start St John's Wort, but feel like I can't justify making more personal purchases before the month is over.
The weekend started off really well and it was overall a good weekend, but there was too much worrying in it. I did not talk to my dad and I think I might cop-out and email him. I was the one growing up that would leave notes on pillows when I wanted to talk but was not comfortable starting the conversation. My family is used to this, so it might make it easier, but I worry that I will not be able to effectively convey my feelings via text (lack of tone) and that I will not understand his response if he does not propose a time/place to discuss in person. I don't think today is a good day for me to try to articulate myself in general, so this is getting put off for very good reason.
Saturday, we cleaned the apartment. Boyfriend made a proposition: that he would make dinner 5 nights out of the week if I take care of the litter box. A tempting proposition, but I might ask if we could change it to 4 nights out of the week if he will always (or at least usually) have dinner ready by or before 8 or 8:30 pm. 8:30 is pushing it, I'd really rather eat as early as 7. Growing up, we usually ate at 6 or earlier so that plus having trouble sleeping if I eat too close to bedtime is not working well for me.
-had a HUGE sweet potato (we're talking probably 3" diameter) mashed and was too full to eat the pork chops I made to avoid drunken pizza consumption
-had more to drink than usual, thanks to carb-loading with sweet potato, I think. Drank some water, but not enough, and had 2 slices of pizza. Instantly bloated. Felt very guilty since all my friends know I am "paleo", but I realized they probably will not hold party behavior "against me", or probably don't really care.
-took the role of most-sober at the party (until the non-drinker showed up later) and as a result, worried about everything and could not stop worrying about everything because I was drunk. Legitimate worries, in some cases, about person who probably got a concussion when they hit their head on a radiator, then Boyfriend was drunkenly explaining how to treat a concussion in a way that probably did not put her at ease, then radiator-victim's boyfriend was ill in the bathroom, worrying her more. And I worried about it all, as is my nature.
-Slept like crap, which is what usually happens when I drink.
-all day hang over, which means head-ache that only goes away with Ibuprofen so I dosed continuously throughout the day. Woke up with a headache last night, still, and still feeling off today. Hangover also means depressed. No energy. Played Diablo III until my wrist was stiff and my eyes felt buggy.
-Bloated. 2 more slices of pizza until guilt made me feel like crying about it so I ordered sushi and didn't enjoy it. It was warm by the time it got to us and so the rice was falling apart.
Feeling very "everything is wrong in the world" today. It's not even 11 AM (at time of writing, now 11:30 AM) and I am feeling like the day will never end. Not much going on at work today that I know how to fix/can work on immediately (waiting for answers in all things that I can think of) so I am struggling to find things online to keep me busy. Unfortunately I forgot to set up the books I downloaded to access at work, otherwise I'd be all over the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy, which I started last night.
There are some things going on at work that require my attention, but I really do not have the brain powder to deal with it today. I find it especially upsetting to be at work and not be able to do anything because I'm not functioning at even 50%, not just because there's nothing to do (which is the usual case).