I felt a lot better last night after a nice big dinner of potatoes (kind of fail oven fries, I think they were too wet and/or crowded), mixed veg, and a huge pork chop. I think the sick feeling was my body's very odd response to me not eating enough >< I have lunch today, never fear! It's so easy for me to fall into this pattern of "I can fast! I'm Primal!" and then just not eat enough. I mean, 1100-1200 calories a day, at a guess, for a week, on average, is not going to do good things for this little body. Well, I don't think it's good for anyone, but regardless. I am feeling almost back to normal today. Slightly frazzled because I could not sleep last night (probably fell asleep around midnight, probably too much screen time on top of some female-related discomfort). I am giving up on 5-HTP for now because it did nothing for me last night, yet again. I am wondering if the L-Glutamine prevents me from absorbing it now. Which is good, I guess, for my gut, but means I need to find something else to help with the depression and stress management. For now, I'm back to taking L-Tyrosine and we'll see how I fair on that. If my depression is mostly stemming from my anxiety, I may only need the Tyrosine, but I might need something else to help me sleep.
Today, my head feels a bit off still, like it's fuzzy. I wonder if it's just allergies. I forgot to have my spoonful of honey. Ew, and I forgot to brush my teeth, but I have a toothbrush and paste in my backpack, hooray!
I have this little bit of fat or something just below my belly button that I think many people have. It comes and goes day to day. It was bigger last week (but I was also bloated overall), and barely there today. I think it's kind of cute, oddly enough. I'm almost ready for my follow-up photos to show off my 15 lbs lost since last year and the muscle definition I'm gaining. I love the progress in my shoulders especially. I feel that this is a reasonable excuse to spend a little money on myself and buy a new bathing suit. Target and Old Navy are my vices, hopefully I won't buy anything else. Maybe next month, as a birthday present to myself, I will buy a dress.
Budget thoughts: Buying small/cheap items for myself from time to time (once a month) is how I got kept the spending habits at bay in college, only I had so much more expendable income then, I tended to slide in multiple purchases instead of just one kombucha every weekend (probably not this weekend though) and a clothing item from time to time. I have a better sense of the importance of where my money is going now so I think it will be easier to limit myself. I consolidated a few $tarbucks gift cards a couple of months ago and was pleasantly surprised this past weekend when my balance was $22. I thought it was half that and that I was about to use it up (paying for 3 drinks)! It's nice to know that I can treat myself on occasion without spending any money.
Family situation: So back to Easter, my dad's friend said I was "defaced" when he saw my tattoo and my dad said, "That's what I said" (and that's not what he said). I was so surprised that I just laughed and walked away. Later, telling Boyfriend, I realized how much it bothered me and worked out that it was because he'd essentially let his friend insult me and then backed up his friend instead of his own daughter. My mom has apparently talked to my dad about it, but I don't know what she said or how he responded. I've made an opportunity to talk to him tomorrow, by asking if he'll help sand down a book case I got for free (it's a hideous shade of green, I want to strip it or smooth it out so I can paint it something else). I don't really know how to approach the situation. I talked about this at therapy this morning and only gained a better understanding of my confusion, but nothing about how to deal with it. I feel like if it's not discussed tomorrow, it won't ever be, and I don't think it would be healthy for me to have that hanging over me. What I want is for my dad to acknowledge that he knows what he said/did was wrong. I feel inclined to tell him how it hurt, but also feel like I shouldn't have to, that this is something he should know already. I do realize that sometimes it's not that obvious, especially when it comes to my family. I guess I'm preparing myself for tears, and I hate that feeling.
Brain shizz: In therapy, I keep wondering if my feelings are appropriate. Today I realized that it really doesn't matter what other people do/think, but how I perceive things, to determine how I will act in a given situation. The question is not "Is this okay?" but "Is this okay for me?". It's somewhat shocking to realize that I don't give precedence to my own thoughts and feelings, much of the time. I wonder sometimes how I might be different if I hadn't been so depressed in my teens, coming out of those years with such low self-worth. I still struggle to accept that I am well and truly worth the effort for some things. It is interesting hearing Boyfriend's opinion of my family situations, as I've built up callouses to the hurts they've given me. Now I need to decide if these issues are things I feel are worth tackling and that they will be beneficial to me, or if I'm willing to let them go and just accept my family as they are. I don't want to change them, I know I can't really, but I think there are adjustments that could be made to make my life a bit easier.
Weekend plans: Clean up the bookcase in some way or another, have an awesome time at our party Saturday night (we made Jolly Rancher vodka, it looks awesome), go shopping with my sister Sunday morning and generally enjoy myself.