Are you familiar with information theory? Turing and his "machines"?
A Turing machine can have a specific design capability. It also will exist in some 'state' or condition. The result of any input depends on what that input is, the present state of the machine, and the design capability. Turing machines are cut and dried.
We humans are not as rigorously defined as Turing machines.
We do have specific design capabilities.
So far, a human body can do only so many things in only so many ways and there you have it. (The 'so far' bit is thrown in there for the 'we haven't attained our full capabilities' crowd. Maybe they are right. Maybe someday I will learn to walk through walls with no damage to me or the wall.)
Each person is in some state or condition.
This is based on present feelings, past history, present knowledge. Perhaps other things I am not allowing in my box.
So do we always react the same way? No. Unlike a Turing machine, we have the capability to choose our response to an input. We have options.
We are able to redesign our machine. Some state this a different way--We are able to reprogram our machine. It isn't always an easy thing, but we are not bound by our past. We are not even bound by our present condition or state. We are beings with the ability to choose our reactions to stimuli.
This is a mathematical attempt to tell you that you can put all of that history behind you and live easier and better. My life has had different problems than yours. It hasn't been a gentle walk or a pleasant lope or run. It has been a terrifying steeple chase through heavy wilderness instead of on a designed track. When I look back I count all of the bad as learning experiences, not as things to dictate my character. Wasn't easy to get this way, but it is attainable.
I think that you are doing well with it too. Just don't let the occasional artifacts of evil get to you.
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Randza samu gate soha