I'm definitely a meles meles; different continent and different strokes. *BUT* this eurasian badger bows down at the greatness of the honey badger (just this once, mind).
My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm!
How you doin???
Dude - 330 OMG!!! So glad your body is finally getting with the program! Big smile on my face right now...
Yeah! some days i can hardly believe my body is doing this without overt assistance. I had planned to do another round of HCG in November however as i am dropping about 4-5 pounds a week on average it is possible that i wont need another round.
20 more pounds and i will be 18 again, and then, the undiscovered country.
could i go younger? could i reach 16, or even 13?
i can already see that my body will not be shaped the same, it isnt the same now, where the hell did i acquire a bony ass from? i was known as bubble butt in preschool and grade school. it is as if someone changed my parents when i was not looking ( not that that would be a bad thing exactly)
Change your thoughts change your DNA expression... too right mate!
You fucking ROCK! Changing all kinds of stuff and still staying all that and a side of steak.
That is all.
"No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
My Primal Battle Tome
So much has changed in my life. It is rather humbling to see myself so close to my desires after so many years of failing to believe that I could effect change in my own life. Oh i struggled, I put forth the effort, and I saw zero results. I was never able to give in or give up because if i ever did i knew it wold only mean a more rapid descent into the abyss. However never did i believe that it was within my grasp to accomplish what i had desired, not ever.
I was the universes whipping boy and i knew it. Now, now I know that all i know is bullshit. Do you have any idea what it does to a person to have 30 years of"truth" become a lie almost overnight? The psychological stress is unique i tell you. When you have failed consistently for 30 years only to find out that you COULD succeed. that failure was not a design feature. it is easy to second guess everything else in your life to wonder what else you may have viewed incorrectly, and thus you easily come back to well i must be flawed if i was wrong about this. The success after such a long failure feels like failure yet again.
it is a cognitive loop without end if one continues to follow the natural rhythm. for a person to exist on sheer stubborn unwillingness to go quietly into that good night is a far cry from living in hope. Given my background what use did i have for hope. Anger yes, hatred yes, but hope, Laughable.
Now i have lost the use of anger, and hope doesn't actually qualify as the reality is here. I find myself numb. one of the issues with having a single life goal is when you accomplish it you are left with nothing.
Becoming 40 was rather traumatic to me, while others have challenged me to see it as liberating.
I am so used to being motivated by the desire to be smaller that now that it is easily within my grasp i do not know how to build another goal. I never had another goal. reducing my body weight didnt get in the way of other stuff, it was all the other stuff. it was the all. in the meantime life happened, Marriage, divorce, three different careers, 4 different houses and it was all about doing whatever had to be done to make it thru the day so that the monster could be appeased. Make enough money to fund three hour workouts at the local gym, try this WOE or that diet plan, etc.
in the last two years so much has changed about me that i dont know who i really am at all. the examples of psychological changes alone are mind boggling, and now physical changes on top of that hint that I was never ever well not even as a 4 or year old.
Often have i awoken to find that something that I used to define myself was no longer there after a large release in weight. for example i have been a lover of gingers for as long as i have been alive. Red heads with green eyes especially, but all gingers eyes notwithstanding....until one day i lost 5 pounds and noticed that i didnt care one way or another. over 35 years of lusting after gingers and it was gone much like Mad Martigan told Sorcha. Multiple times i have attempted to journal only to find that my hands could not form script or print and the next day my handwriting had changed drastically.
Who is the me at the beginning? and what did he want from life before getting sidetracked? If he is around is it possible for me to recognize him? Who is this guy who is not interested in watching LOTR annually? How did i get over Star Wars or Star Trek? when did that happen?
This journey has been so confusing and yet for the most part I am very calm about it, after so many events you become immune to the changes. but that doesnt make me any more comfortable with them...
Who am I and what do i want?
I think I understand. I left my parental home right after high school graduation - 6 months later, in fact, and never looked back. I first went to my grandmother's house - in another country in Europe (my mom is a green-card immigrant); home life sucked hard on all levels, so I knew I had no other choice but to strike out on my own and either find myself or die trying, 'cause I wasn't going back to where I had been.
Well, more than once I remember feeling like Odo must have felt in Dr. Mora's lab as a wee blob starting out in his existence. My new chosen home challenged simply everything I had ever known, believed, assumed, or experienced for 18 years. I can only imagine the orders-of-magnitude more you must feel now. In the end, I managed to integrate all that and come out the better for it, but going through it.... gah! (I also discovered over there why getting drunk and just existing in a good hard buzzed state was so popular with mankind - lots of mental dross just falls away!)
All those existential questions, and no easy answers... I am beginning to get the same feeling again, the more I do this Primal thing. I am excited and scared shitless all at the same time - again -, but for now my life needs to stay the same until my four daughters are grown.
I don't have real answers for your particular life, but I will tell you that I have been there before. If you want, I am happy to philosophize with you - I think about stuff like that a lot. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you aren't so very alone in this.
When I was in high school my secret dream was to be on Broadway. I had real talent, but self loathing and timidity stopped me from even trying to follow my dream after HS. I became a teacher which in a way uses all of my stage talents as well and I'm damn good at it.
Anyway, I have always felt that something was missing. Singing in church just wasn't enough.
Being Primal changed something in me. I found the self that I had lost and in some ways had never really known. I joined a community theatre group and have worked with them for the last two years. It comforts me to know that had I gone to NYC at age 18, I might have been a contender. I am now 45 and my new goal is to be lead singer for a band.
quelsen, I hope that you can figure out what will make you happy. You certainly deserve it.
Sounds like you need to go on a "walk about" - a journey of self discovery until you are ready to move on with whatever. We all go through parts of life like this , just not as extreme as you may be now. Try new things - lots of them and discover your new passions. Maybe art or drama, music or wood working, kayaking or mountain climbing ... you get the idea. Accomplishing a major goal in your life is an exciting time because it means you are ready to discover something else amazing!