Primal Journal - onalark page 18

[onalark]

Ew. Steamed salmon is yucky. It just goes all mushy.

Mush wasn't a problem in this case. I pureed it with cream cheese, trying to make a salmon "salad" (like ham "salad").

I think overwhelmingly I just don't like the taste of salmon, while trout and char taste fine. Mom and dad also aren't salmon fans, so it may just be that being raised in a family that preferred mild white fish has changed me for life.

[onalark]

This thread should almost be re-titled "Adventures in Miscarriage".

I'm once again going to talk about this messy, distended process of miscarriage. So please don't read if you're pregnant or squeamish. (No, really.)




Okay. I take it back. The miscarriage apparently wasn't complete as of Wednesday, and the amount of blood that passed out of my body this morning was truly astonishing, but more in line with what I was expecting earlier this week.

Mr. Onalark is freaking out just a tiny bit. He had intended to go get a haircut, but now won't leave me alone. We had some errands planned this morning (including visiting the former owners of our new home, who are still living there, per our agreement), but we basically got there, I ran into the bathroom, saw how much blood was passing and how soaked my pad was, and we beat a quick retreat. I think I babbled something about not feeling well. I feel awful that we just sort of showed up, grabbed our lease-back check, and ran off again, but I really didn't want to recreate scenes from The Shining in their living room.

I'm feeling better now and I am really, really hoping This Is All. I had a total hormone crash yesterday reminiscent of the day before my period starts, only way worse and much more angry. This is not good when your job relies on you being a people person. I sent myself home before I snapped at anyone and I slept for two hours and afterward I was grumpy. Poor Mr. Onalark.

Continuing to cramp. The pain is comparable to really bad gas. Or was. The cramps are subsiding, and I haven't had one in 30 minutes...wait, nevermind. There was one. I figure as long as I'm cramping, there's probably tissue that needs passing.

I had actually been muttering this morning that I probably needed to take another round of Cytotec, because I was still bleeding a little. Well, that looks to be totally unnecessary now. As for the "shriveled grape" of an embryo I was supposed to be looking out for...ha ha ha ha ha. I have no fucking clue how you could find it midst all that blood. Seriously. No. Just...no.

Tonight's my week-late birthday party! Hooray! I'm packing extra pads! Oh yes! And Tylenol! Thank science for that!

[onalark]

Last night, Mr. Onalark asked what he could do to help. "Bring me breakfast," I said. So we drove to a cafe we like, and I had brisket. Hooray!

Went to the farmer's market today and bought armloads of yummy herbs and baby broccoli. Dinner tonight: zucchini "pasta" with meat sauce. Probably some fresh tomatoes from the farmer's market. And there's leftover flourless chocolate cake, which I get one last night with before I start my Whole30 tomorrow.

More "Adventures in Miscarriage". Standard warnings apply.







A little more bleeding today, but not the Tarantino-esque quantities of yesterday. Some cramping. Minor back pain, which I'm controlling with heating pads and acetaminophen.

Though the gushing (and I do mean gushing) slacked off around 4 PM yesterday, I still soaked a pad by the time we made the 45 minute drive to my parents' house, though once there my body decided to behave and all was good. I was tired, and it showed; by quarter to nine people were urging us to go home, which never happens. Everyone loves Steph! But Steph when she's exhausted and pale isn't as much fun, even if it is her birthday.

It was a good party, despite me being not all there. My sisters got me a body pillow; a bittersweet gift because at this point I thought I was going to be 10 weeks and needing it, not miscarrying and needing it.

My body is still feeling bloaty and tender. I don't know when I'm going to be able to exercise again. Between the light-headedness and exhaustion, I just don't know that anything more than long walks is a good idea. Then again, some heavy squats might help pass more tissue. :P

Doctor's appointment on Wednesday to see how much tissue is left up in there. Hopefully by then I'll be on the light end of the process and he'll tell me to just let it finish. Have I mentioned that one of the bright sides of this whole process is that I found an OB/Gyn I like? Yes, well: hooray for that!

[onalark]

This is what I hope is the final update. I think I said that the last few times, but I have my reasons for actually believing this really is the last one.

One last "Adventures in Miscarriage". Read at your own risk.







So, to recap: on Tuesday, July 3rd, I took the Cytotec at 8 PM. Bleeding and cramping followed, I thought I'd passed everything, I went back to work Thursday, I had a hormone crash on Friday, on Saturday experienced insanely heavy bleeding, and then came Sunday.

Sunday I woke up feeling great! Just great! I went shopping, I had breakfast with Mr. Onalark, we felt great!

Around 2 PM, bleeding started again, and then the cramping, and then...how do I explain this? It wasn't cramping anymore. It was just...pain.

Lots of pain. Consistent, unending, unyielding pain. There were no "waves". No "rushes". It was just one solid bar of PAIN. It felt like my intestines were slowly being inflated.

Then it passed, and with it came a gush of blood. I felt relief for a whole five minutes and thought, ah, good. It's done.

Then the pain came back. And it didn't pass.

By quarter to eight my lips were pale, I was nauseous, and I had the shakes. My temp was starting to go up. The pain was NOT going away. The tylenol wasn't helping for shit. I couldn't lie down, I couldn't sit, I could only pace and go to the bathroom. At 8, I made the call, and we went to the ER.

It took an hour for them to admit me, during which I sobbed and banged my fist and tried not to be a total troll, but mostly failed because of PAIN. I puked up what was in my stomach -- breakfast, mostly, which means my system had probably stopped digesting food at some point. I soaked the three pads I came to the ER with, and had to get extras. They got an IV in me around 9:30, and then hydromorphone, and once that kicked in the pain went from an 8 to about a 3. I coasted on that for about an hour until the ultrasound tech came in. The ultrasound dialed the pain back up to a 6, so they put more hydromorphone in me, and the pain went back down to 3.

The ultrasound showed "blood in my uterus" (no shit?), though by this point the passage of blood and tissue had abated somewhat. The ER doc called my OB, who advised pain management. I got one more dose of hydromorphone and a scrip for Percocet, and they let me go. By that time it was 12:30 AM, Mr. Onalark and I were both starving and exhausted. Well, okay, I wasn't really hungry, but I knew I probably needed food. The attending nurse told me I had lost a lot of blood, and that I needed to take it easy, and also come back in ASAP if I lost more. He was a pretty cool dude, and I thanked him effusively.

At home, I took one Percocet, finished my milkshake, and went to the bathroom. I felt the urge to push and...out came the embryo. It was about the size of an egg. I am pretty sure it was the embryo because it didn't look like any of the tissue I had passed previously.

I stared at it for about thirty seconds, I said goodbye, and that was that.

I am feeling way better as of this morning. I haven't taken any of the Percocet since last night. I stayed home today just in case my body decide to start the deluge again, but at this point I really, truly believe it's over.

Wheeee.

[namelesswonder]

Phew. Hoping it's over, for your sake! I appreciate your frank and open descriptions of this experience. Miscarriages are a part of life not often talked about, especially not in detail.

[onalark]

Phew. Hoping it's over, for your sake! I appreciate your frank and open descriptions of this experience. Miscarriages are a part of life not often talked about, especially not in detail.

Yeah, that makes two of us!

I've always been a little TMI, but when I started this process I really wanted to read other people's experiences, and that's why I journal; I'm paying it back for the next me. I should be surprised by the number of women who have privately come to me and told me about their miscarriages (that I never knew about), but I'm NOT surprised. This is common. It just isn't talked about.

[onalark]

Making almond-egg-banana pancakes for breakfast. Oh noes! The PUFAs! STFU PUFA police, you don't own me!

Think I'll also eat it with some greek yogurt. Later today, I may cook up some liver because, y'know, blood loss.

And tonight: steak. Steak steak steak. Gimme that steak.

Putting off my Whole30 a week because we need to do some drinking on Saturday. My best friend was also in the hospital this weekend because her baby girl had an infection. Ugh. We need drinks, and we need them this weekend.

[onalark]

Oh, and here's a photo of breakfast/lunch:


Paleo Pancakes and Greek Yogurt with Berries by fivebyevif, on Flickr

[namelesswonder]

That looks great, I'm jealous, but I'd probably have put a fried egg on top of the pancakes =P

[onalark]

That looks great, I'm jealous, but I'd probably have put a fried egg on top of the pancakes =P

It's hidden in the pancake batter!