Primal Journal - Patrick (who has a filthy pirate hooker mouth) page 19

[nachobrawler]

I'm with Geo, my Sis-ta (again, another example of what we have in common-Geo!).

I think the personal dynamics of every relationship differ tremendously. There is no...one size fits all...approach that works for every couple. Some couples get along well and dont fight. Some couples argue but the arguing serves its purpose and they "know" each other better from it. Some couples have conflict and dont deal with it in a constructive manner. And others, well, let's see...there is lying, cheating, disrespecting, deception, belittling, etc and the list goes on and on. You name the word...there's a couple that is doing that to each other.This is why world wide divorce rates (in westernized countries) hover at or greater than 50% today. Our society today says..."you" dont have to put up with anything you dont like anymore. And many people dont. They choose to live on their own rather than subject themselves to a poor relationship. And I cant say I blame them. If that had been my experience with relationships....I would be right there with them.

But in addition to the negative experiences relationships deliver....there are some extremely positive experiences delivered as well. And these "positives" may be fewer in number than the negatives....but they are MUCH greater in terms of impact on a person's life. In fact, they are addictive. You get a few of them with a partner...and it TRULY strengthens your relationship such that you can put up with some of the petty bull shit that used to drive you insane about your partner. You have a new respect for them and they for you. You are able to look beyond the petty failings and bad habits to see the good person you love. You two share experiences...and thus, you "build a life" together. I know it sounds gay and cliche (and the single folks out there are probably laughing their ass off at me!). But its true. You make a life together built on trust and mutual respect. You apologize for your shortcomings....because EVERYONE has them. You have them, she has them. She has them, he has them. Etc. And if a couple is going to make a relationship work...they are going to have to take the good with the bad. There is no one or the other. They come as a package deal. The couples that have it the best though are the one's who figure out how to make their relationship stronger from the bad. The good is great and it is the cement that "binds" a relationship. But the bad is impetus for change that makes the relationship grow and change. A good couple grows and changes in their relationship together.

One other thing I think I have learned that is EXTREMELY important...at least to me and my relationships...you need to be friends. Its all fine and dandy being lovers and what not. And that has its place. But when the romance diminishes over time...you are left with the friend you fell in love with in the first place. If you weren't friends first....you'll have nothing at that point.

I've seen that in my 1st failed marriage. Other than my two oldest daughters...my ex-wife and I have nothing in common. I cant even remember why I fell in love with her in the first place nowadays.

My wife now is my best friend in the world. I can and do tell her anything.

(Except how to get her to go Primal... DAMMIT! Head strong woman!)

[Prime]

Like Enamel mentioned... if you wouldn't be friends with that person, you certainly shouldn't be in a relationship with them! I've been with my boyfriend (coincidentally his name is Patrick) for nearly 7 years. I have a low tolerance for bullshit, and he has yet to make the same mistake twice. And I'm talkin' little stuff, nothing major. He can be inattentive at times but never treats me poorly. In fact, he treats me like a fucking goddess. The basis of the relationship is friendship... at the end of every day we can't wait to tell the other person about our day, no matter how minuscule the details are!

The people who put up with so much shit in relationships are likely dealing with self esteem and self-worth issues. They take the abuse and neglect and are constantly feeling like "I love him more than he loves me." I know a lot of women like this, and some men, too. They are all afraid to be alone, because they aren't content with themselves.

[Unamused Mouse]

Yeah, life's too short to waste time with someone you don't love to bits. Fuck. That.

[Patrick]

The friendship aspect is definitely important -- full agreement from me. The issue is finding someone who's not a fucking dipshit or psychopath so you can begin the path to friendship and love.

It's like having to traverse a fucking razorwired minefield (with a bored sniper taking potshots, just for shits and giggles) in order to get to a nice, quiet road that meanders through a sunny autumn forest: if you could just get past the first bit to enjoy the rest of it. . . .

[TigerLily]

I've always said that single people need to come with a sign around their neck that lists out all the issues that others have had to discover the hard way. The people who have dated this person previously could leave comments/warnings for future folks.

Peoples' signs would say things like:
Has anger issues.
Has commitment issues and will string you along for 8 years.
Is a lousy lay.
Is a pathological liar.
Is batshit crazy and will boil your cat in a pot of water, like she did to mine.
Cries after sex, every time.

On rare occasion, someone's sign would say:
Is a really great person; we just wanted different things from life. We continue to be friends.

This would save us ALL so much time and bother. Way too much duplication of effort going on in the dating arena.

[Patrick]

This would save us ALL so much time and bother. Way too much duplication of effort going on in the dating arena.

Fuckin'-A. Your sign ideas had me laughing, TL! Batshit crazy and cries after sex were great! Those kinda remind me of a guy I know who has the word "Suicidal" tattooed across his forehead in Gothic font.

[Coconut Girl]

I've always said that single people need to come with a sign around their neck that lists out all the issues that others have had to discover the hard way. The people who have dated this person previously could leave comments/warnings for future folks.

OMG, LOVE THIS!!! i can't resist...

Will call the cops on you when you take his keys and gets himself arrested for public intoxication instead.
Sexually confused.
A.D.D.
Believes s/he is Jesus, reborn.
Never offers to pay for dinner even though s/he earns WAY more than you.

(all of the above are true stories--three of the above were my ex)

[Aila]

Hi Patrick,

I was popping in here to say that I saw your post (in someone else's journal, as I recall) about the Contemplation of the Wave, via Thich Nhat Hanh. When I first heard that many years ago, it was the turning point for me in my understanding of death. So it was cool to see you make mention of it here. I have a similar experience as yours at funerals, and actually at any events that involve endings...everyone else is crying, almost like you're "supposed to," whereas I am usually just feeling happy to have had whatever the experience was. People think it's strange...

ANYhow, then I ready your query and the responses above, and have to say that a) I have more than a little knowledge on the subject (but I'll save you the entire thesis), b) Coconut Girl speaks great truths, and c) every single one of us wants to be loved and to be happy; when we are drawn to others, we are aware of what attracts us in our consciousness, but our unconscious is also at work, seeking the exactly right people or traits to help us resolve any old issues and come to internal balance and peace. Hang with me, here...

Those primal urges , combined with our masterful unconscious, help us fall in love. We say things like "I'm so alive when I'm with you!" and "You complete me!" When the neurochemical dope wears off, we wake up and say things like "You've changed" and "How did I miss those clues that you're such a jerk?"

So, say you feel like "why do I always end up with the alcoholic/controlling bitch/emotionally distant dude?" And your friends ask, "why do you put up with that?" And you berate yourself for making the same bad choice, again. Well, what is happening is that you are trying to heal from that, to learn, perhaps once and for all, that a) their issue is theirs, not yours; and b) you deserve to be safe/stand up for yourself/ask for what you need/etc etc. We end up "putting up with it" for a long time, often (and in my experience, both men and women do this), because we're still trying to learn whatever the lesson is in that relationship.

(BTW, I'm using "you" as a neutral pronoun there, not as you, Patrick, but "you" meaning "all of us.") We all do this. It's how it works, and once we get this, amazing transformations can happen in couples. I see it regularly. And of course, sometimes, both partners aren't ready or willing to look at themselves and figure out what's really going on. Or it's unsafe to do the work with a certain partner. Sometimes it is better to end a relationship. But even then, there was a lesson (sometimes a few) to be gleaned.

Ha! Meant this to be a shortish post! Well, that's my .02, FWIW.

[geostump]

I'm with Geo, my Sis-ta (again, another example of what we have in common-Geo!).

But in addition to the negative experiences relationships deliver....there are some extremely positive experiences delivered as well. And these "positives" may be fewer in number than the negatives....but they are MUCH greater in terms of impact on a person's life. In fact, they are addictive. You get a few of them with a partner...and it TRULY strengthens your relationship such that you can put up with some of the petty bull shit that used to drive you insane about your partner. You have a new respect for them and they for you. You are able to look beyond the petty failings and bad habits to see the good person you love. You two share experiences...and thus, you "build a life" together. I know it sounds gay and cliche (and the single folks out there are probably laughing their ass off at me!). But its true. You make a life together built on trust and mutual respect. You apologize for your shortcomings....because EVERYONE has them. You have them, she has them. She has them, he has them. Etc. And if a couple is going to make a relationship work...they are going to have to take the good with the bad. There is no one or the other. They come as a package deal. The couples that have it the best though are the one's who figure out how to make their relationship stronger from the bad. The good is great and it is the cement that "binds" a relationship. But the bad is impetus for change that makes the relationship grow and change. A good couple grows and changes in their relationship together.

One other thing I think I have learned that is EXTREMELY important...at least to me and my relationships...you need to be friends. Its all fine and dandy being lovers and what not. And that has its place. But when the romance diminishes over time...you are left with the friend you fell in love with in the first place. If you weren't friends first....you'll have nothing at that point.

I've seen that in my 1st failed marriage. Other than my two oldest daughters...my ex-wife and I have nothing in common. I cant even remember why I fell in love with her in the first place nowadays.

My wife now is my best friend in the world. I can and do tell her anything.

(Except how to get her to go Primal... DAMMIT! Head strong woman!)

Thanks Nacho! My brotha from another motha!!!

Reading your post made me cry and laugh at the same time. I agree with you 110%. My husband and I are constantly laughing at each other. Found that if you can't laugh at yourself and each other, you might as well shut the shop down. We were married in 1997 and there were 5 other couples married within a year before and after us. Guess who is still married? Yep you guessed it, us. Most everyone who knows us says we just click. We get along great together and we understand that you need your time apart. Even the best marriages have their rough spots and we've made it through them.

[Patrick]

Ah, g'morning! Okay, sleep issue resolved. It was indeed the fucking computer. I went to bed last night and curled up with Peace Is Every Step (think that'll be my going-to-bed book from now on) and slept deeply, except for a really fucking crazy/frightening dream. Despite that little interruption at 3:30am, I woke up naturally and comfortably at 6:35am. Yay! So I think the cause of my sleep dysfunction was indeed the blue light from my monitor.

To celebrate, here's an awesome song for you folks.

I was popping in here to say that I saw your post (in someone else's journal, as I recall) about the Contemplation of the Wave, via Thich Nhat Hanh. When I first heard that many years ago, it was the turning point for me in my understanding of death. So it was cool to see you make mention of it here.

Welcome, Aila! Yeah, I don't get weird looks, but I definitely find myself half-smiling when at the funerals of people I knew well. If I didn't know them well, I'm pretty neutral.

We end up "putting up with it" for a long time, often (and in my experience, both men and women do this), because we're still trying to learn whatever the lesson is in that relationship.

Very true, I suppose. I dealt with a lot of stuff at the age of 17, so I guess I jumped a few major hurdles early on. Perhaps I ought to be more lenient of others' learning curves... Then again, like Unamused Mouse said, I'm unwilling to put up with shit ("Fuck. That."). Sadly, my time, especially my emotional investment, is worth more than most people deserve. If that sounds haughty or arrogant, so be it, but that doesn't stop it from being true. And it's true for everyone, not only me. I just happen to know it.