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    Primal Journal (Bunnyfoot)

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    Day 4:

    The chocolate chips are staring at me from the cupboard, I can hear it.

    Today has been the hardest day so far, the other half finally joined me on my journey but both of our cravings are feeding off of each other right now. We kept our bellies full of good food and water, but something is missing. Something our bodies don't need but our brains are screaming for. This is rough, I have been off gluten for 6 months, I thought ditching the processed junk would be a walk in the park. Guess not, we must have been filling the gluten gap with more garbage than we thought. I can only expect it to get worse before it get's better.

    No heartburn today, this is day 3 off the Nexium.
    Allergies seem to be rebounding still. My eyes are burning and my sinuses are swollen making my ears hurt. This is expected when quitting allergy meds cold turkey.
    Still don't feel comfortable enough to step down the ADD meds more. I am so dyslexic and spacey when I skip that stuff. I think cutting it down by half overnight was a good start, I will work on this more. I am hoping to not have to refill my prescription if I can get that far, otherwise it's another 90 days to kill the next one.

    Still not getting outside very much, only to run to the car when the pager goes off or going to and from work. I hate the cold, and usually hibernate all winter. I need to find more activities to do inside when the world is frozen. The thing I hate the most about winter is getting into a cold car, the thing I hate second about winter is having to go outside to start my car so I don't have to get into a cold car on the way to work. I try to take the dog out once in a while to let him run on the lake, but the third thing I hate about winter is defrosting my legs after coming inside. Ahhhhhhh! The burn!
    Maybe I should think about things I like about winter:

    ...

    Maybe I will get back to you on that one.

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    Day 6

    My vice has become fizzy water...I love the tickling bubbly feeling I get when drinking it. I don't keep it around the house, but it hangs out at work like some bad kid in a back alley. I suppose there are worse things...like swimming in a vat of chocolate pudding.

    Broke out the cast iron yesterday and made a quiche with chopped beef, habanero garlic and mustard greens. Turned out okay.
    Found out that I still had habanero oil on my hands while I was taking a shower later on.

    Today I threw a whole chicken into the crockpot before I left for work, stuffed the cavity with fresh herbs and threw some veggies into the pot. Caved and threw a potato in there for my honey, I think a potato every few weeks (or even once a week) isn't going to kill him (or me). Since when did they stop throwing the gizzards in with the chicken? I could have used those now!

    I need to find some recipes, I was very disappointed that the Barnes and Noble in my area doesn't carry any of Marks books in store. I hate having to wait for books and no I am not going to get a Kindle or a Nook, I don't trust them. When you purchase an e-book on those things, you just rent it - they can take it back when ever they want to. Besides, what happens if you can't charge the thing. I like books, I like the feel of the pages in between my fingers as I read, I like the smell of a library. And frankly...I don't care if my living room is lined with bookshelves, it helps with insulation.

    No heartburn still!
    My sinuses are still pushing out my ears and I am dizzy from it - but hopefully that will calm down soon. I just want to reach for the Benedryl, but since I kicked it - I actually dream at night and it feels wonderful.

    Back to work.

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    Day 9

    We indulged last night.
    I made my honey's birthday dinner: bacon wrapped pork with a mustard/maple sauce, baby carrots and tons of leafy greens (I am not supposed to have all that sugar).

    But what is a birthday without cake, right?
    The cake was made with almond flour, blood oranges, eggs and maple syrup. Then I topped it with a maple syrup and butter glaze.
    I am kind of glad it wasn't totally awesome, then I might leave the rest of it alone. The cake was really nice and moist (more reminiscent of cake than any GF cake I have made so far, I think the trick to almond flour is to use eggs that are room temp - it seems to work better) - if I make something similar again though, I am not going to use the peel, it makes it quite bitter. If I find a different glaze (maybe make a sweet orange glaze by boiling the fruit/juice down), this thing could really rock. Also, I bet this would be good with any type of citrus fruit...maybe go with limes to get a summery key-lime dessert.
    I am definitely only going to make a few cupcakes next time though. I wonder if the batter can be frozen...?

    So, that was my first binge since I started...it wasn't even a binge, I just felt completely lame eating even one piece of cake because I haven't allowed my self to bake since day 1. I want to stay as close to natural as I can in an effort to fix my tummy. Today I am absolutely ravenous (and have one hell of a headache) all of that Maple syrup really did me in (good thing my stash is nearly gone...I am tempted to tap all the sugar maples in the back yard though).

    No more baking experiments!


    It's really odd how all of this works. The days when I eat tons of fruit or the maple syrup, are worse for cravings then the days I just stick to meat and veggies.

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    Day 12

    I had a complete mental breakdown this week. I think I am missing something here. I haven't had a bout of depression that bad in a very long time. Here is my current vitamin list:

    Good Multivitamin
    Fish oil 2x day
    Probiotics
    Vitamin D3 1000 mg
    Vitamin C 1000 mg
    Vitamin B6 500 mg (helps with adrenal fatigue)


    Yesterday I spoke with a nutritionist and we added the following to my vitamin regimen:

    Vitamin B complex
    HCL
    5-HTP

    The 5-HTP makes me feel jittery for a while, the same thing happened with Melatonin except that the Melatonin kept me awake ALL night long, but I actually when to sleep after a while when I took the 5-HTP. I am having trouble finding anyone that can give me information regarding those to having the opposite effect they are supposed to. My pharmacist thought I was nuts when I asked him about the melatonin and I got "it's rare" from the nutritionist. OK..."it's rare"...is not a sufficient answer, it doesn't help me understand WHY this happens. I will ask my chiropractor and see if he knows anything about it.

    Otherwise - feeling a bit strange lately. More stomach issues. I have to go in for allergy testing on Thursday - I am not very optimistic about skin tests though, your digestive system is way different than your skin. I suppose it's a start though.

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    Day 14

    Influenza.
    It came on quite suddenly yesterday, but there is no denying it. I have the flu. I let my body bake the hell out of it yesterday and today. I am avoiding going in to the doc so I am going to lay here sick for a while longer. I do NOT want antibiotics, those will just screw up any progress I have made with the good bacteria in my tummy. My pregnant sister also has it and just went in for the tamaflu...I am assuming it came from my older sister, she said she was on antibiotics before she started hanging around the pregnant one - I guess she didn't wait long enough before spreading around it's goodness. Went and played Buckhunter Open Season with preggo, the same day she hung out with the older sis so...that is the connection I can make.

    I haven't had the flu since I was a kid. Stopped getting the shots about the time my mom let me start making the choice for myself - it always made me feel like garbage. I wonder if my immune system is just in complete chaos with all of the changes I have been making lately.

    Today has been difficult, I have been craving all things that are carbs. I let the fiance make me juice this morning along with my cayenne eggs over easy...to my dismay there was barely any fruit in it, but he put carrots and RADISH TOPS in it! %$#*#@$ then pats my head as I tell him how un-palatable it is, even if there WERE three blueberries in it. Fed me some crockpot meat for lunch and I snuck away with a handful of strawberries this afternoon...and two Turkish figs while he was out buying bacon and an Xbox. That's another question I have, how do you go out to buy bacon then come home with 4lbs and an Xbox? It's not like there is a Microsoft drive-through (now with organic, preservative free bacon!) anywhere around here...
    Strangely being sick here in bed and listening to things blow up from the living room reminds me an awful lot of my childhood. My father used to play video games into the wee hours of the morning as I grew up. First it started with the Atari (I was too young to remember the games), then Legend of Zelda on the Nintendo, Link to the Past and Pilot Wings on SNES and finally Doom on the Playstation. From what I hear, he has motorcycle racing games he plays on the Xbox in his "man cave" now.

    Things don't seem to be getting any better in the food arena at this point. I just love food too much I think and am having a hard time mourning the loss of homemade GF cake with hand whipped buttercream frosting - and cookies...but especially my yogurt with honey and mountains of bluberries. I loved that stuff. I wish I could stop thinking about it. I may go mad some day.

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    Day 20

    I have been off the Adderall for a few days now and I am really struggling not to take it. I feel like such a dope when I don't take it, my words get all messed up while I am talking, I transpose numbers and I just screw things up in general. I am slightly depressed about it. The doctor tells me you can't become addicted to it - what a crock of crap, addiction runs deep in my family but most of us have the ability to ignore it and to avoid it. Not me apparently, I am addicted to my ADHD meds. I don't need alcohol, I don't need "illegal drugs"...I just need amphetamine salts.

    Addiction is strange, and I have no idea why the stigma on pharmaceuticals isn't bigger than it is - I mean, I wouldn't go telling everyone at work about this, but I am perfectly comfortable telling the rest of the world that I have a crippling crutch that I can barely convince my self for two days not to use.

    It hurts, my brain is screaming at me and I just want to eat so I can ignore it. My stomach is full though. I get depressed just looking at the neat little orange and clear capsules filled with candy-colored goodness. I really don't want to depend on it, but I really hate feeling like a total boob.

    The time is crawling slowly, it feels like it has been 10:30 AM for two hours - I can hear my brain snickering at me and it tells me that my meds will make the time go faster and it will make me like my work more.

    I am going to get a cup of coffee and see if that will help me.

    I need some strength here.

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    Day 22

    I noticed a change today, one that I would consider large. I feel...GOOD! I feel really good. I have steady energy and my concentration is mostly there. This is exciting! I am excited! I haven't actually said that I feel GOOD in a very long time.

    I haven't touched my Adderall since last Saturday, and I can honestly say that I am thinking about it less. I still think about it but it isn't this driving desire to snort whole unopened capsules. This is awesome. The only meds I am taking now are BC and Synthroid - holy cow this is great!

    I am listening to my body more, I have stopped grazing when I am bored at work. I still need to tough it out at home - and I need to get outside when I am bored instead of reaching for what ever I can find to munch on. I used to munch on carrots, but my allergy tests squashed that one...I am allergic to carrots - along with wheat and pistachios.

    I wonder what sorts of exercise I can do without having to go out and buy equipment. That is such a blackhole for me, I could go purchase tons of equipment, use it for a while and then get bored as hell with it fairly quickly.

    Holy crap I feel good today.

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    Hi Bunnyfoot, It seems as if you have been going through a lot lately. I'm so glad today was a good day. Have you read "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross? It is about using amino acids to help with mood issues. I am finally binge free after starting to take 5htp and l-tyrosine. 5htp also made me feel jittery at first, but then it smoothes out some. Keep up the good work!
    Paula Primal since 9/24/2010
    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
    MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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