mother of God....my mind is blown...I know you are asking yourself why the sandwich is mad. He's such a nice guy who has done so much for all of us at some point in our lives, how could he be mad at us? If it wasn't for him, we'd never have survived grade school. If it wasn't for the sandwich, construction workers everywhere would die of starvation. How could something so magnificent turn against us? Well, you assholes replaced him with some shitty cabbage and lettuce and wrapped your crap up in a green shroud of misery and tastelessness that completely defies everything sandwich has tried to give us.
How can we redeem ourselves? By making a goddamn sandwich, and here's how.
It's the staff of life... you best respect or step off, bitch.
A square or round glass container roughly the size of bread with a flat bottom.
1/4th cup flax meal or almond meal (they are both delicious)
2 tbsp fat (coconut oil or butter)
1 tsp baking powder
100% of your respect for the sandwich!
Mix all of that together very well and then pour it in your container. Microwave it for 1 minute 20 seconds. Congratulations, you just made some bread. Now pop it out of the container and onto a plate and let it cool off and firm up a bit.
Guess what retard, this isn't a deconstructed sandwich topped with foi gras foam and molecular gastronomy bullshit, so you are gonna need another piece of bread. Do what you just did again.
Put something between the bread. I don't care what you put between there, but it's not a sandwich unless it has something meaty inside. I chose a grilled chicken breast, spinach, spicy mustard, and some onion. If you make this without meat I hope you die.
"WAIT A SECOND RIVVIN!" I know, I hear can you yelling that in your head. You want to know how I have such delicious crispy chips sitting next to that beautiful beast of bread and breast (chicken, that is).
Stupid Simple Chips
It's all that and a bag of chips. The 90's called, they want their tagline back.
Some Parmesan (a block of the good stuff, don't use pre-shredded kraft krap)
Slice the Parmesan thin and put it on a plate. Microwave the slices for 1 minute. Give them a minute to harden. Chips are made.
It is my fervent desire that you have learned to respect that which is known as the sandwich by my frivolous use of profanity and unnecessary verbiage. If you use some already prepared meat, this thing can be thrown together in 5 minutes or less. You can flavor the bread with spices, you can switch to almond meal if you want something different, and there are literally a million different sandwich combinations out there.
Rivvin. The King of Bachelor Cooking.