This thread reminds me to do kegels...so I do them while reading the posts.
Also, with that same BF, one time we were playing around in his room and I was about to orgasm (for the first time with someone else, with *him* doing the manual work of it) when his mom walked up the stairs and almost walked in on us. (Um, I did NOT climax then...) I've had trouble orgasming with him (and everyone else) ever since, and to this day need to take the control into my own hands, even when my hubby is very involved...
Hmmm...I'm continually trying to work through my own issues on all this stuff, and these are peices to my mental/emotional puzzle that I've not really thought much about before. Sorry to go off on such a tangent here! I am happy to say that my husband is SUPER supportive and we both do whatever it takes to make the other experience the most pleasure possible, so that is a wonderful thing. Anyway, thanks for letting me continue to work through my issues aloud here. It's totally theraputic for me!
Last edited by FairyRae; 05-28-2011 at 06:26 AM.
This thread reminds me to do kegels...so I do them while reading the posts.
Thanks for the links emily! I'm totally interested!
Here is a cool link on tantric breathing and sex (reminds me of Mrs. Toons' posts) from one of the sites mentioned: http://www.umaatantra.com/tantra_art...breathing.html Seems like a fun way to really live my yoga, and put my pranayama practice to use in other areas than my mat...
ETA: Ooo--this link is better! http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/02/18/...hing-exercise/ I've got lots of googling and experimenting to do!
Last edited by FairyRae; 02-05-2011 at 07:59 PM.
Rae, it is great to read your account of your sex history, thank you for sharing! Yes, there are men and women out there who say and do things to their parters that are very wounding. Often the partner does not even realize what they have said or done has had such a profound effect. Other people actually set out to inflict feelings of shame/worthlessness onto their lovers. Those people are very ill and have issues of their own to resolve. The memories you have shared can absolutely contribute to your level of sexual satisfaction today!
There are some great videos on youtube to demonstrate the tapping process. It may look or feel a bit silly to be bouncing your fingers against yourself, but don't let that keep you from trying it. You may start out with a phrase like "Even though I was embarrassed by my boyfriend, I deeply love and accept myself" or "even though ejaculation is uncomfortable for me, I deeply love and accept myself" or "even though I can only give myself orgasms . . ." and go from there. You will get the idea!
For many years, the only way I could orgasm was with a strong vibrator. I actually learned how to masturbate with a back massager (that I found under my mom's bed), and later with a detachable showerhead. For the first few years of our relationship (before we were married) I let my husband think he was giving me orgasms. I eventually came clean. He was hurt, but happy to know that I was being honest. He is an incredibly tender and caring person, and always wanted to help me. My block was feeling like I was taking too long, that I couldn't get off without a vibe, and that he was going to be annoyed. These thoughts would get stuck in my head while he and I were making love, and I would end up just trying too hard and give up. Finally, after we were married, and living in a house together, I just let go and got swept away in the physical sensations, instead of getting caught up in my head. Boom!!! I had a great orgasm, from my own hands! Now, I have them regularly, but what never fails is oral sex from my very talented husband
I'm really glad to have shared some information that you can enjoy. Tantra is a very beautiful and healing practice. Here is a nice video demonstrating some of the things you can do with your partner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dBg5A7FxtA Tantra is about using the energy generated by sex, to open and enliven your energy centers. Some of you may pish posh the idea of chakras, but tell me, have you ever had butterflies in your stomach? What about an aching heart? Have you ever had a pelvic reaction to seeing someone in pain, where your genitals clench? What about feeling choked up, or having a knot in your throat? Those feelings are associated with your energy centers. I could go on but I don't want to hijack the thread TOO much, unless y'all have any other questions. Honestly I'm no expert, but I've learned a lot from my amazing mother.
This is my favorite thread on MDA now, I just looooove sex!
Wow this chick on youtube is great! Check out her other vids she has a lot of great info about Tantra. This one is about female ejaculation: http://www.youtube.com/user/TheLiber...25/75IfY_-O7iw
She has one about orgasmic labor and birth that is verrrry interesting! I am not having a baby, but someday when I do, I may have to bring a discreet vibe to the hospital. Having a lovely, relaxing, blissful orgasm while giving birth, sounds better than a painful, frightening, tear-inducing ordeal. Hmmm!
i orgasmed through the first 8 hours of labor, then meditated through 12 hrs, then did ecstatic screaming prostrations (no pain, just noise) for the last 2 hrs. i was restless, not in pain, and whiney for about 1-2 hrs before the prostrations part. LOL
i also was thinking -- reading Rae's posts -- about pathways. pleasure and pain pathways are laid down (i think it is partly how eft works so quickly), and those pathways may be laid down rather quickly. i think the start-stop process can cause the pathway to be created, making it harder to continue on the "normal" pathway. So, you are close to orgasm, everything is great, and *FULL STOP* everything shuts down. so, it would make sense that, if you started on the same track to get from point A to point O, but usually get FULL STOP at point M or something, then when you get to L, it's a conscious effort to try to move past M and move through FULL STOP mode, and then get M to connect to N and the O.
i don't know if i'm making sense, but it's making sense to me. this might not be "mental" but really just physical, how you learned. provides me with some insight. so thanks for sharing.
Fairy Rae, I'm totally with you on the hang-ups. My feelings about sex got messed up when I was younger for lots of reasons. It is only now that I am finding my way.
Mrs. Toon, Yeah taking too long is one of my biggest worries. He says it is fine but...
Pebbles, TRUST HIM! It used to take me at least half an hour of stimulation of various kinds, before I could have an orgasm. Now, when I am in the mood, it can take less than ten! Remember that you are doing this for YOU. It is OK to be "selfish" and take as long as you need, to do what you like. I'd suggest, stop focusing on the orgasm, and just breathe into your delicious feelings. Be sure to communicate, if he needs to move a fraction of an inch to the left or right to feel even better, just tell him!! or use your hand to put his fingers exactly where you want them to be. Believe me, he LOVES to watch you as you feel the goodness. He wants more than anything to see your face as you have a rockin' O. But this is not about him, it's about YOU. Don't be afraid to tell him "listen, I am worried that I am going to "take too long" and you will get annoyed with me. Please, just stay with me, and don't sigh or pout if this takes an hour, OK? That would hurt me too much and I want us both to feel GREAT!" or something along those lines. Then, just FORGET ABOUT HIM and focus on feeling GOOD. not pressured, not rushed, just let everything else melt away until your whole being is wrapped up in your beautiful parts and how good they feel. Once you get past that angst, and stop TRYING to get off . . . you will just get off.
It may help to wear some very relaxing and sexy essential oils, like ylang ylang, lavendar, jasmine, or rose. Take a nice bubble bath and sip some chai tea or red wine. Remember that you are a GODDESS and absolutely deserve to be treated like one! Worship yourself, instruct him to worship you like you are the living essence of feminine sexuality and power. Another night, you can do the same for him If you do all the setup, have him massage your back and neck and breasts, and you still don't have an orgasm, that is OKAY and WONDERFUL. Does that make sense?
yes, that makes sense! thanks. even tho u weren't talking to me.
I seriously <3 this thread.
MrsToon, everything you just said then highlights to me the problems that my BF and I have with sex. My BF really wants me to have fun during sex BUT he completely shuts himself away during it. He closes his eyes, he doesn't speak and he's not much of a toucher, which is weird because he's very touchy-feely outside of the bedroom. At the start of sex he just heads straight for the clitoris which as you all know can be a little uncomfortable when you're just getting started. Where I contribute to the problem is by being embarrassed to say anything about it. I have told him how it affects me when he disappears into his own head and he is aware of it, but he doesn't seem to either be able or want to do anything about it.
I'm sure part of it is the attempt to cock-block and he is very good at going the distance, however, I think I'd prefer to see him show some passion towards me and come a little earlier!
Really the only way I get off when we're having sex is to do what he does and disappear into my own head. I fantasise my way to orgasm by pretending to be somewhere else doing something or someone else.
It's a real sticking point for me in our relationship and I'm not sure we'll ever get past it. I want and need and deserve, damn it, a man who is passionate about me. If I say so myself, I'm very sexual and rather good at what I do and I get very frustrated with him. That said, I know I carry some of the blame too.
I really want to work on this with him and I guess I'm going to have to find a way that we can sort this out, because although everything else is great, I'm not willing to be in a relationship with sub-standard sex. I did that for 10 years when I was married and I ain't going there again!