I am proud of my performance today at the gym
I am very discontent however.
In delving into the abysses of what is causing discomfort I have been undergoing a rigorous process of self-inspection. What are those things that poke, prod and hurt me? What existentialist yearning, drive and compulsion is punching my heart, demanding attention, recognition to be heard?
By all accounts I am at my life's physical apex. I am leaner (<10% body fat; vigorous vascularity on hips, abs, chest -- 8 pack), stronger, more cardiovascularly fit, more attractive (my own, self-hating impression), highest salaried version of my self that I have ever been. I am healthier than ever. I am in a relationship with a woman I am love with. I have finally become Smiley - the prehistoric jungle cat I speak of at the beginning of this journal -- wanting to emulate; and yet at this moment I am terrified, sad, lonely, afraid, weak and emotionally miserable.
I think, that if I may be allowed to run the risk of complete presumption, that the apex of reaching Primal nirvana occurs when all things being accomplished as per healthy living recommendations, diet, body composition, blood tests, sex life, career, et al - we find ourselves looking elsewhere to improve happiness. And perhaps coming to grips with the reality that the path forward is not forever *upward*, nor really set forth or defined in the Primal Blueprint. In truth in moving forward along the trail of life necessitates navigation of twists and turns, downs and ups, stumbles, skinned knees and sprained ankles. 100% compliance, wash board abs and a hot wife will not, by their own sake, make me happy, peaceful or content.
I have decided that acknowledgement and understanding that imperfection is a core definition of who I am as an individual (personality, spirit, soul) - is required to obtain peace, happiness and love.
I am painfully discovering my own imperfections. These imperfections are not manifested in a craving for unhealthy foods, laziness, apathy, unhealthy choices or other, probably more prevalent "non-primal things". Rather I am becoming aware of character flaws and those spiritual, personality-related definitions of who I am that are flawed, imperfect or altogether broken.
This is a painful, agonizing and gut-wrenching process -- to see those horrid manifestations of myself that are ugly, pained and disgraceful. Harder also is accepting them and not trying to "fix them". In fixing them everyone else just seems broken. I am tasked right now with understanding and accepting them so that I might better understand myself and others. Perhaps this will introduce peace.
My focus is therefore in embracing many things that I have neglected through my two-a-day workouts, 50+ hour work week + commute, clean Primal/paleo diet, intermittent fasting etc:
It is altogether terrifying and much more daunting than any physical achievement I have attained thus far.