Falling off the wagon, climing back on, being angry with CW for "helping" me become addicted to all sorts of substances and mood swings like never before.
I think that is the best summary I can give of last week.
This week I am down 1 pound (woop woop) and I haven't got a stomach ache for once.
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, almonds, some broccoli and carrot mash from last night.
WO: Weights unless the gym is crazy busy, then it will be sprints.
Lunch: IF (possibly probably)
Dinner: Early dinner tonight!
I'm going to see Biffy Clyro tonight so I have got something to keep me motivated to do work this morning. Woke up with the sun shining in my eyes, I've studied for 3h so far and now I'm hitting the PR books before my trip to the gym and buying something for my sister's 6th birthday.
Last week was not a good one for me. I was really un-motivated and I found it hard focusing on anything for more than 2 seconds. I didn't go to the gym (which is the reason why I didn't feel motivated if you ask me) and I did eat ok but I didn't plan well enough to do as well as I know I can do.
This week I'm participating in the Survival Week, that will give me the kick up the backside I need and also get me thinking about things again.
Uni is getting stressful and I'm not coping very well, which is also related with me not doing exercise.
So, today I am going to the gym, wandering around town for a little (its so beautiful outside today), buying food for this week and then I'll be studying.
It's time for me to really commit now. Christmas is so close and I cannot put my body though an "ordinary" christmas... The sugar hangover would last weeks.
Well hello everyone,
As you can tell, I've been here before and I've been gone for a while. I came back for a short while but it was before I was ready.
I am going to give you a little catch up.
So. By the time I left here in November 2009 things went down hill. In February things got rough and in March of 2010 I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with severe to moderate depression. The previous summer had caught up with me, the homelessness, sickness of my dad, the place I worked at filing for bankrupcy (my dream job, of course) and being "forced" back to uni. I was in my final year and things weren't going my way. Every little task was a struggle and in March it all came crashing down. I started taking anti-depressants. It was scary and amazing, they left me feeling high and detatched from the world. I could forget and ignore everything else. I locked myself in my room, watched copious amounts of Doctor Who and forgot all about eating and working out. At the same time my two best friends stopped talking to me, when I needed them the most. I was in the middle of writing my dissertation and biggest essays of my university career. I started seeing a therapist again, going for walks every evening. I spent all hours at the library with Hula-Hoops and Cadbury as my main intake of "food" for almost 2 months.
Somehow I handed in my essays and dissertation and graduated with pretty good grades in July 2010. I came home to Sweden in mid-June and was more or less instantly contacted by the best festival I know of and asked to come and work. I did, and then I went to a second festival, and for the first time in my adult life I loved being in Sweden. The people were so much like me, knew where I was coming from and I ended up staying.
In September I started seeing a therapist and I was living at home, sharing rooms with my little sister. It was hard. Everyone was back at school or work and I just couldn't get a job. Last week of October I moved into a flat of my own and since November I've been employed, first as an English sub-teacher at my old college/high school and since April at my favourite festival agan! On September 3rd I met a really lovely boy and he changed it all, along with him came a heap of friends and if it hadn't been for him and his roommate I would have moved back to England. One thing lead to another and Friday just gone we celebrated our 6 month anniversary and I will be moving in with him in a little house of our own in a months time. So I know how the littlest things can change everything.
I've been off the meds since November and my dear bf has been an amazing support through it all. But now my old ghosts are making themselves known. My eating is turning emotional, my workouts non-existing and the feelings I have about myself are mean and awful. I cannot eat sugar and like who I am. That's that. I am addicted and I need for it to stop. I need only to read/think back and I know it's true. So here I am, and I am going to try as hard as I can. With the help and support from my bf, I can do this. He loves me and wants all the best for me, now it's time for me to catch up on that.
About me: I'm still 5'5 (165) but I have no clue what I weigh, I would guess around 150lb (70kg). I'd love to weigh around 60kg but the scales have never been good for me so that's not what I'm focusing on.
Food: I have started eating meat again, bacon, steaks every now and then, but I'm still mainly a poultry kind of person. I'm better at eating proper dinners but along with the meat and a bf with high metabolism came pasta and bread which I had almost completely stopped eating. I eat biscuits, a sliver of cake or chocolate/sweets as good as daily and my mood and energy suffers greatly because of it. When I'm bored or emotional all I can think of is food.
Energy, Sleep & Play: I'm tired more or less all the time, I only feel energised after physical activity (which is basically not happening atm). I am a worried sleeper, which I haven't been before. I wake up in the middle of the night and need the toilet (new!). I can't seem to get enough sleep.
Moving: I cycle to work every day, that adds up to ca 6km/weekday, so at least I'm getting some movement in most days. I love swimming, going to the gym, walking, yoga, but something is saying stop, something is holding me back. I'm holding me back.
Me being me: I'm all in or nothing. I can't take it slow, I can't do it little by little, thus I end up taking too much on and then feeling horrible about failing. Little by little is how I must do it. I don't like being me very much right now, my mood is worse than for a long time and I can't help but suspect it having to do with my increased sugar/carb-intake.
Why am I here?
I want to be able to go swimming outdoors in the summer without being terrified, I haven't been for over 5 years and it makes me endlessly sad. I want to feel hot, as hot as my bf says I am. I want to sleep better. I want to be full of energy. I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to love good food again. I want my thighs to slim down so I can wear skirts and shorts without tights (now they rub and end up bleeding when it's hot outside, and then the wounds start to smell). I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to make concious decisions about my body and life. I want to be me, the real me.
I am terrified of letting go, of all the things that hold me back, but I want to so badly. I am my own worst enemy, it's time for me to make friends with myself and start treating myself with the love and respect I deserve.
Today is day 3 of being a Primal girl once again, and I must say that I'm doing fairly well.
I spent most of Monday feeling absolutely rubbish. I cooked and did everything I needed to but felt ill and headachey all day. The smell of food made me feel sick and I could hardly eat. It was more or less the same yesterday but it was getting slowly better. Today I've almost felt ok. Breakfast was still a little bit of a struggle and right now I'm hungry for the first time in a few days.
I think part of my problem has been that I haven't been eating enough, which is easier said then done when the thought of food makes you want to barf. I went and had thai for lunch with my bf and it was so yummy. And even though there was rice on my plate I didn't touch it, the rest of the food was so delicious wasting my buds on some rice just wasn't worth it.
I still haven't actuallt told my bf what I'm doing or how I'm eating, which makes me feel a little bad but I've talked about the bad impacts of non-veg carbs have on me and I actively chose not to have pasta with our dinner last night (I went for broccoli-mash).
I'm not awfully strict in the way I'm eating right now. I've had some strawberries today and raspberries most days (as they were the only things that didn't make me feel sick) and I'm still eating dairy (cream in the sauce last night, and frying the meat in butter). I'm not going to be too harsh on myself as I think that has been part of why it's never really clicked for me before. And if I'm too strict I tend to go crazy and end up self-sabotaging as I've taken things out and left none in.
Work btw, is the best thing you could ever imagine. I work for a huge music festival and it's less then 3 weeks until we kick off this years edition. Having my dream-job is really so much more inspiring than being an English sub-teacher with unsupportive headmasters.
Also, we have a pink hula-hoop with weights in it that everyone has a go at now and then. That's the kind of workplace everyone should have.