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Thread: The Bedrock Journal - ( Pebbles67) page 667

  1. #6661
    Sabine's Avatar
    Sabine is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    Made some bad choices that led to others.
    Sorry about that. Hope today goes better.

  2. #6662
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    Four Noble Truths TMI for very personal information...
    I am not a Buddhist, but I believe all religions have wisdom to share. The four noble truths of Buddhism say that
    Life is (full of) suffering.
    Suffering is caused by desire for and attachment to transient things.
    Suffering can be ended by attaining dispassion.
    The path to end suffering is through gradual self improvement.

    I am all tied up with desires in many areas of my life which I may expand upon another time. Today I want to talk about weight because of the suffering it has caused. I have been obese most of my life. It was noted in my school medical records at age 9. I remember wanting to be normal sized from the time I was a young teen. Even so, I just kept getting bigger and sicker in body and mind. The constant effort to be thin with it's inevitable failures, wears on a person's psyche. Many poor life decisions were based on the negative self image I built up over the years. By the time I was a young adult, I believed that I was undesirable because of my fat. I looked to others to boost my self worth. I was promiscuous, to give you a clinical term though in my mind, I heard "slut". I wanted to be loved, but the mental anguish caused by my behavior only made things worse. And then I got pregnant. I was 22, had recently graduated college and was wondering what to do next. I felt that having a baby would ruin my future, so I chose to have an abortion. I was raised as a born again Christian, so you can imagine how quickly the self talk turned to "murdering slut". I was so depressed after that, that I might have chosen to kill myself. My secrets were too deep and dark. If I ever told anyone, they would hate me, like I hated myself. My mother knew something was wrong, but she didn't know what. She sent me to a month long in patient addiction program that she had attended for food issues. She saved my life. In group therapy, I was able to tell others my story. They didn't hate me, they cried with me. I was also able to tell my Mom. We were so close and hiding my pain from her was terrible. She just accepted it with no judgement. Miss you, Mom.
    Within 3 months, I lost 50 lbs. I met Bill and we fell in love, but that is another story.
    I have continued to struggle with my weight and the desire to be thin through getting a master's degree, marriage, having three kids and a career in teaching. By 2010, I had reached 280 lbs. That desire has continued to cause suffering. I have trouble letting go of failures and I still torture myself with memories of things I have done.

    I believe that Paleo is the way of eating that will free my body and mind from the unnatural connection to food. I hope to get to a point where the "desire" is not about weight, but health and that I can just be. I'm so tired of the mental struggle.
    The Buddhists believe that conquering desires takes many lifetimes. I am hoping to speed the process a bit, since I believe I only have one. My father lived his whole life with an inner sense of failure. He could not see all the things he had done through the forest of his self doubt. I have the same tendencies, but the difference is that I can see the amazing person I am in spite of my issues and I have a path out of the forest.

  3. #6663
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    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
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    [[hugs]]
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  4. #6664
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    Big hugs from me too!!!

  5. #6665
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    Finally, no more company or family obligations for a few weeks. We can get started on home repairs etc.

    I am looking forward to the start of the "Building Incredible Willpower" online course tomorrow.

    I still haven't made it back to Paleo eating. Too many dinners out etc.

    Hope I didn't freak anyone out yesterday, just wanted to put down thoughts about why this health thing is so hard for me. It is about much more than food.

  6. #6666
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    Yesterday's entry was beautiful, P. Thank you for sharing. I have no doubt you will make progress through your journey.

    Excited to hear how your Willpower class goes!

    Interesting aside. My DH is a direct descendant of Buddha. We aren't Buddhists, but lots of good stuff there.

  7. #6667
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    Well, showing my ignorance here, but I thought "Buddha" was actually the Buddhists name for God. I had no idea that he was a real person. I need to do some reading.

    P, love following the journey.

  8. #6668
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    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! You are an amazing person and we are lucky to have you here.

    Siddhartha Gautauma was indeed a real person. He lived roughly 500 BCE.
    My Primal Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread53052.html

    "Freedom from fear" could be said to sum up the whole philosophy of human rights. - Dag Hammarskjold

  9. #6669
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    I'm with demuralist. Had no idea Buddha was a real person, although he seemed very wise. Lol

  10. #6670
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    This weekend I re-read "Make Shift Happen" by Dean Dwyer in preparation for taking the online course with him.

    It always surprises me how I have to be in the right space to hear something in order for it to make an impact. I loved the book the first time I read it. It is about making powerful change in your life by taking small steps. The first time I read it, I was deep in mourning for my Mom and couldn't handle the idea of making the mental shifts necessary to beat my food (and other) issues once and for all. I also was not ready to hear that there wasn't a miracle cure...that I would have to put systems in place to solve my problems and then work those systems...forever.

    I now realize that left to their own devices, without control systems, my body and mind will do what is easiest and most pleasurable, not necessarily what is best for health and well being. That brings me back to the Buddhist journey of self improvement.

    It is not just me, however. I believe all humans need to have a plan and a purpose for their lives. Yes, some of us are more damaged than others, but even the most perfect of us could use some work. Heck, the Dalai Lama has said that even he has not reached enlightenment.

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