06-28-2013, 01:55 PM
When I do something "stupid" and have to go to a friend or neighbor for help, I just kindly ask them to not bring it up in front of Clint. They've witnessed his assholiness treatment of me in those situations and don't like it. Even if the girls see something happen, they don't bring it up.
06-28-2013, 02:03 PM
Well marcadav, you may be right and sometimes I am overwhelmed with the feeling that 20 years ago I married the wrong man (for me).
You all may wonder why I would stay in such a situation. Right now our son Kevin is nine. He has a severe level of Asperger's syndrome bordering on full autism. A divorce would set him back years. When my Mom died, he went through a full year of extreme anger and insecurity. Constantly asking, "Where's Nana?" And begging us not to leave to go to work or wherever. It was heart breaking. Imagine if his family broke up.
I have hope that the situation with my husband may improve as he follows his dreams to work in a hospital and regains his health. I love him and he loves me. I just don't like him very much lately. He would be extremely hurt and shocked if he ever read what I write here. I don't think he realizes just how "mean" he is, but he senses my unhappiness.
Here is the blurb he sent me under the title of "Now you can say "I told you so". I was meant to be funny and I saw it that way.
Virgo Woman and Scorpio Man
The Virgo woman will be dominated by a Scorpio man. On a date this might seem fun and frisky but in relationship things could become complicated if these signs want more from each other than sex. The Virgo woman is humble and self deprecating. She carefully plans. The Scorpio man is intense, magnetic and controlling. He controls his world by knowing and insists on knowing better than the Virgo woman. This causes problems because he inadvertently makes the Virgo woman question her own intelligence. During sex the Scorpio man will make his Virgo woman tremble with delight and fear all in the same breath. Now that she’s surrendered to his ecstasy, they both know who will be permanently in charge of things.
Last edited by Pebbles67; 06-28-2013 at 04:32 PM.
06-28-2013, 02:04 PM
Tomi, He is on the daily cream, not the injections. Last time he was tested, his levels were fine.
06-28-2013, 02:37 PM
Maybe you need to be honest with him about he hurts you. If he doesn't know the full impact of his actions he has not reason to change.
I respect you so much for holding your marriage together. Whatever the reason - we live in a time where marriage is disposable for any and all reasons. You love each other - that's reason enough to stay together.
06-28-2013, 03:55 PM
Sadly, I think this is just another way we fool ourselves into thinking there is something WE can DO, to change the situation, when it is actually up to the other person. I once gathered all my courage and told my mother how she had hurt me. Sure, she was upset- for the day. And her behavior changed- for a week. The it was back to the same-old, same-old. The only thing that was good for was to reassure me that it was NOT ME. It's her. It might be worth it for that, but that was also the begining of the end of any connection I felt for her. Now we have a distant, polite relationship. Don't know if you want that situation in a marriage that is going to go on, either.
Originally Posted by tomi
06-28-2013, 04:38 PM
I have tried to explain,several times, how his behavior makes the boys and I feel. He reacts by saying, "ok if I'm such an a-hole then, I'll just stay out of your way." He goes into a pout for days and gives us all the cold shoulder. It is better to just deal with his temper when it happens.
06-28-2013, 05:03 PM
Originally Posted by Pebbles67
I'm one of your biggest "lurking" fans and have been reading your journal since I joined MDA. I really admire your honesty and the way you just don't give up on anything--your acting, your diet and health, your family, your teaching. The list goes on and on, and your friends here all really acknowledge that. So please take this as an outside "baseline" observation and not a critique in any way :-) I'm finally speaking up now after more than a year because I am troubled by the pattern of emotional abuse that your husband deals out to you and your boys on a pretty regular basis. I cannot accept that your 9 year old will be "better off" in the long term in such a situation, Asperger's / Autism or no. If anything, wouldn't he be more tuned in to the emotional tension than a non-autistic child?
Yet you are loyal to a fault, and always trying to give husband a pass / excuse. What I've put in the quote above is simply unkind childish manipulation. He knows it will work and it does, over and over. That's the elephant in the room and we know you know it is there. If your son is nine, are you going to allow yourself and your kids to keep putting up with this for nine more years? As Sabine just said, people don't change, especially when they don't have to.
I am really rooting for you and hope you forgive my bluntness. It just made me so mad to see him pull that BS yet again. He doesn't know what an amazing woman he really has. You, Paula, deserve to be loved as you love others
06-28-2013, 05:19 PM
Paula, I know the feelings you are having. I was with (can't say married because technically we still are) a man that was wrong for me for over 20 years. It took a lot for me to reach a point where I felt a separation was the only thing I could and it might help him see my value.
Originally Posted by Pebbles67
Even after we separated I tried,. We dated, went to individual counseling, communication workshops, marriage counseling, journaled back and forth because I "was too fast with verbal responses".
In the end, my ex had a secret that came out. It was something I couldn't live with or work through and I was done.
It was when he knew for sure there was no going back that he started doing everything he could to, in his words, annihilate me. Now to my face, he promised and still promises to do right by me. What he tells our children and his actions, on the other hand, betray his words.
It was hard being single mother of 3 and dealing with the fall out of what was revealed. His contempt and selfishness was and is hard on all of us. However, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
I say all of this to let you know I understand and don't take ending a marriage lightly. I do think you still need to express, even if only in writing, what his behavior does to you.
I also think boundaries would be good. When he gets mean/mad/whatever,I would say something like ,I don't deserve to be spoken to/treated in that manner and then walk off. If you wont take his offloading of negative feelings he may find a different way to deal with those feelings.
06-29-2013, 07:15 AM
Ok, well I have been trying to stay out of this because I am not sure how helpful it is, but am pulled into it by my inability to mind my own business....
I will say that to some extent I am the other person, or I was. I am a Scorpio (whatever that means), more importantly when DH and I were first together I would have been seen as similar to your husband. I had a temper, was controlling, and was manipulative, and was a screamer. Now I doubt I was quite as extreme as your husband, but who knows.
In the end, the way I changed over the next couple of years was due to how DH handled the situation. He was always calm and level, he would never jump into the frey or raise his voice. He would state his case and allow me to state mine and then that was it, discussion was over. He would either say we have had this discussion already or just walk away. Between that and taking the Love and Logic course (which I actually took to be a better parent, but helped in so many ways). I calmed down, and let go.
My point, people can change, but you can't change them. You can only change the way you react to them, and hopefully that will help them to change themselves.
So, I would evaluate my own behavior and see if I can spot a trend regarding how I react to his poor behavior. In the end, I think that Marcadev's last sentence says it all...."I also think boundaries would be good. When he gets mean/mad/whatever,I would say something like ,I don't deserve to be spoken to/treated in that manner and then walk off. If you wont take his offloading of negative feelings he may find a different way to deal with those feelings."
and now, I step away again...hugs
06-29-2013, 08:30 AM
Thank You all for your advice and support.
The thing is, you guys don't know me. I am part of this equation and not innocent of bad behavior by any means. I think our personality traits do not gel well. What that means to our future? I don't know.
Tags for this Thread