Maybe you need to be honest with him about he hurts you. If he doesn't know the full impact of his actions he has not reason to change.
I respect you so much for holding your marriage together. Whatever the reason - we live in a time where marriage is disposable for any and all reasons. You love each other - that's reason enough to stay together.
Read post #2626
I'm doing this because I'm worth it - because I'm worthy - because I love myself.
Goals: Healthy mind, healthy body, happy soul.
I have tried to explain,several times, how his behavior makes the boys and I feel. He reacts by saying, "ok if I'm such an a-hole then, I'll just stay out of your way." He goes into a pout for days and gives us all the cold shoulder. It is better to just deal with his temper when it happens.
I'm one of your biggest "lurking" fans and have been reading your journal since I joined MDA. I really admire your honesty and the way you just don't give up on anything--your acting, your diet and health, your family, your teaching. The list goes on and on, and your friends here all really acknowledge that. So please take this as an outside "baseline" observation and not a critique in any way :-) I'm finally speaking up now after more than a year because I am troubled by the pattern of emotional abuse that your husband deals out to you and your boys on a pretty regular basis. I cannot accept that your 9 year old will be "better off" in the long term in such a situation, Asperger's / Autism or no. If anything, wouldn't he be more tuned in to the emotional tension than a non-autistic child?
Yet you are loyal to a fault, and always trying to give husband a pass / excuse. What I've put in the quote above is simply unkind childish manipulation. He knows it will work and it does, over and over. That's the elephant in the room and we know you know it is there. If your son is nine, are you going to allow yourself and your kids to keep putting up with this for nine more years? As Sabine just said, people don't change, especially when they don't have to.
I am really rooting for you and hope you forgive my bluntness. It just made me so mad to see him pull that BS yet again. He doesn't know what an amazing woman he really has. You, Paula, deserve to be loved as you love others
Even after we separated I tried,. We dated, went to individual counseling, communication workshops, marriage counseling, journaled back and forth because I "was too fast with verbal responses".
In the end, my ex had a secret that came out. It was something I couldn't live with or work through and I was done.
It was when he knew for sure there was no going back that he started doing everything he could to, in his words, annihilate me. Now to my face, he promised and still promises to do right by me. What he tells our children and his actions, on the other hand, betray his words.
It was hard being single mother of 3 and dealing with the fall out of what was revealed. His contempt and selfishness was and is hard on all of us. However, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
I say all of this to let you know I understand and don't take ending a marriage lightly. I do think you still need to express, even if only in writing, what his behavior does to you.
I also think boundaries would be good. When he gets mean/mad/whatever,I would say something like ,I don't deserve to be spoken to/treated in that manner and then walk off. If you wont take his offloading of negative feelings he may find a different way to deal with those feelings.
Ok, well I have been trying to stay out of this because I am not sure how helpful it is, but am pulled into it by my inability to mind my own business....
I will say that to some extent I am the other person, or I was. I am a Scorpio (whatever that means), more importantly when DH and I were first together I would have been seen as similar to your husband. I had a temper, was controlling, and was manipulative, and was a screamer. Now I doubt I was quite as extreme as your husband, but who knows.
In the end, the way I changed over the next couple of years was due to how DH handled the situation. He was always calm and level, he would never jump into the frey or raise his voice. He would state his case and allow me to state mine and then that was it, discussion was over. He would either say we have had this discussion already or just walk away. Between that and taking the Love and Logic course (which I actually took to be a better parent, but helped in so many ways). I calmed down, and let go.
My point, people can change, but you can't change them. You can only change the way you react to them, and hopefully that will help them to change themselves.
So, I would evaluate my own behavior and see if I can spot a trend regarding how I react to his poor behavior. In the end, I think that Marcadev's last sentence says it all...."I also think boundaries would be good. When he gets mean/mad/whatever,I would say something like ,I don't deserve to be spoken to/treated in that manner and then walk off. If you wont take his offloading of negative feelings he may find a different way to deal with those feelings."
and now, I step away again...hugs
Thank You all for your advice and support.
The thing is, you guys don't know me. I am part of this equation and not innocent of bad behavior by any means. I think our personality traits do not gel well. What that means to our future? I don't know.
So on a totally different subject...Is Billy getting used to his new "non-high schooler" status? Is he getting excited for his party?
Man, I didn't get any graduation money for high school. I did get enough to build a new computer after college though :-) it's been three years and that beast still beats most people's systems.
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Journal on depression/anxiety
Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).