Sweet, lovely, stressed the fuck out Pebbles! I thought of you often and wondered how my fellow amazon is doing.
The best teaching and mantra my therapist gave me was "Everyone is responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions."
I think you take shit on that isn't yours and your hubs helps you by handing you his entire wardrobe. That is how he handles the world, he is lacking skill sets to do otherwise, but he can gain them. Seems to me the main cop out is "I know you are going to leave me, so I am going to treat you like shit until you do." That shit is emotional manipulation and bullying.
I am a recovering asshole like your man. Do him a favor and hold him to a higher standard. His behavior is unacceptable and is killing him too. My hubs looks me in the face and says "I understand you wanted it to be this way, but you can't control and stifle me, and it isn't fair to be hateful towards me to vent your anxiety." I don't always like it, but I am becoming a more emotionally stable, free, and intimate with others. I don't have to prickle to run people off so that I can say to myself, see, you aren't good enough, everyone leaves me. That shit is ultimately a child's reaction to the world and does not allow me to experience myself and others fully and happily. I am happier now that my hubs calls me on it with love and compassion and allows me to live a better life with less fit throwing when I don't get my way.
P.S. I got myself this ebook, Losing Control Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us And How to Let It Go (Volume 1): Daniel A. Miller: 9780982893005: Amazon.com: Books.
I am and I would bet your man is anxious and scared and that is what makes him a task master, control freak who blames everyone else for all his problems. You and your boys are hearing a 10% leak of his inner ass kicking. Compassion and love are about boundaries. It's like a child, you teach them the boundaries of how they treat you and what they can get away with. You are strong enough to help your family with compassionate frankness and communicating clearly the boundaries. I am here if you ever need to ask a control freak what the hell is going through his mind. Love love to you. Keep taking those deep belly breaths and believing in the power of your love!