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Thread: The Bedrock Journal - ( Pebbles67) page 474

  1. #4731
    demuralist's Avatar
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    I did not mean to bring on a rant, although I definitely think it has merit (both the content and emotion). and man do I feel your frustration having read the paper and really having no way to give your counter point. (Although you could do your own creative writing assignment and ask him to edit it).

    My thought process is more along the lines that I felt like you hold a bit of guilt (for lack of a better word) for that situation with your mom. I was actually thinking more that if you said something like..."thank you for your sacrifices to save my mom's life, your help was invaluable" and end it there. Whether he ever admits to you or himself, that you made huge contributions, but to just move on. You cannot make that past you suddenly a thin, energetic, sex machine, superwoman. And then you forgive yourself (if that is the right way to say it) for those things you just listed and say hey the best you can do is what you are doing right now. And he needs to buck up and take responsibility for his part (or not, but that is his problem) and get on with it.

    This is where you are right now, the past is unchangeable, the best you can do is learn from it, but in my opinion most of the details should be left behind.

    So he stepped on toes at one hospital, there have to be other docs, hospitals, urgent care centers in the area. (is he not working now?).

    I am looking from the outside, with very little information, so I could be way off base here, and of course I am no trained therapist, you should feel free to let me know that I am way off or it is none of my business or whatever. I just know that there was a period of time when I was very ill for about 6 weeks got better for 2 then ill again for 4, and DH had to take care of the kids and do his regular work and take care of the house and take care of me. And the guilt I felt for those 3 months was huge, and it lingered for a long time. Now I admit my DH never threw it back at me, but it ate me up for a long time. And that is sort of where I was coming from.

  2. #4732
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    Sabotage - I am not sure if he is subconsciously (or consciously)trying to get me to fail or if he just doesn't understand that a little bit of wheat or sugar can set me off, especially in an emotional circumstance.

    The crazy thing is that (I think) my husband really loves me. He knows he could not do better, and we have built a good life.

    I know he feels like crap about himself. Although he has always been impatient and demanding, this angry, volatile man has only been around for about 6 years, corresponding to his own health deterioration.

  3. #4733
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    I don't think it is uncommon for people who are around someone who is successfully taking charge of their health to feel threatened, especially when they are not doing it for themselves, and therefore turn to sabotage (consciously or subconsciously). And in his case he has a lot of reasons to feel threatened right now and to feel less than confident himself.

  4. #4734
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    That story sounds really hurtful, and I have to wonder at his motives in having you read it. I guess this is where forgiveness is so important in a marriage.

    Useless does NOT encompass working, taking care of the kids, the house, the husband, the money. Just because he wanted more, does not mean your efforts were worthless. It just means he wanted more. Well, tough cookies, we don't always get what we want. This sounds very much like he has a problem, and is trying to make it your fault. We need to support our spouses with their problems, but not to the extent of taking the blame. That wouldn't help them, anyway.

    It is good that you can get these things out in a safe place. Don't give it up, even if you edit everything away later. Keeping it inside just begs for food to keep it company, and we all know how that makes us feel.

    Are you doing something fun today, just for you?

  5. #4735
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    Glad that we are here and can provide a safe place for you to vent. It's important to get things out so that they don't implode. Always willing to listen. Wish I had more thoughtful and profound things to say. Instead, just know that I'm always here for you and to support you in whatever fashion you need.

  6. #4736
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mud Flinger View Post
    Your binge could be considered a carb refeed and actually help you if you keep on track today. Also, notice how your other symptoms are feeling today, which may be hard considering you are still so mad/ hurt. Track your energy levels and other symptoms throughout the day. Use this slip up to test whether increased carbs effect your symptoms and it will become something useful.

    I have noticed that your hubby often offers you ways to go astray when you have date nights. A few pages ago you posted that he offered your a favorite ice cream after a fun night out. I wonder if he is trying to sabotage you and then be able to say you failed. You know the whole crabs in a bucket thing is very real for most of society (except here where we all want to throw you out of the bucket so that you can help rescue the rest of us)!
    I have noticed this trend too and wonder about it. He may not realize he is doing it or it may be part of his insecurity.

    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    It sounds like there is a lot that he is willfully not taking responsibility for, and trying to take the spotlight where he can. I have to admit, P, his version of what happened versus yours is kind of scary. It's not fair for him to hold your problems against you. It's okay to be angry at the unfairness, too. I hope you can find more ways to get this off your chest & get some help dealing with it. You may not be able to change him, but you can change yourself. Maybe there is something you can do to make it easier on yourself. You have to remember this his expressions do not really have any bearing on you.

    It seems like maybe he resents you for getting yourself together now. Maybe he wants to, but he is too depressed (guessing?). I have experienced that from myself and from friends, over the course of my attempts at recovery. [edit] After reading Mud Flinger's post, maybe that is why he is (consciously or not) seemingly trying to sabotage your attempts.
    .
    In the end, you live in New York. There is more than one hospital and I can not help but wonder how its YOUR fault he stepped on toes. He has outed himself at EVERY HOSPITAL?? Sounds like he is limiting himself in his quest for a job. This is not something to blame you for. This sounds like choice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    Sabotage - I am not sure if he is subconsciously (or consciously)trying to get me to fail or if he just doesn't understand that a little bit of wheat or sugar can set me off, especially in an emotional circumstance.

    The crazy thing is that (I think) my husband really loves me. He knows he could not do better, and we have built a good life.

    I know he feels like crap about himself. Although he has always been impatient and demanding, this angry, volatile man has only been around for about 6 years, corresponding to his own health deterioration.
    In the end, you can recognize how he determines his self worth but you can not change that. Only he can. I can not help but be affronted at how you are being treated. This may sound harsh and yes, I do not know know about marriage as I am not married however I have had BF's act the same way. They are told to just man-up. Maybe thats why I am still single *snort*

    Paula be good to yourself today!! HUGSSZ!
    Karin


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  7. #4737
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    Sabine - Luckily, the story only encompasses the two weeks around my Mother's illness. He does not mention the lack of satisfaction etc. lol. I'm not sure someone else reading the story would get such a negative vibe.

    Karin - He is 53 and when hospitals see that on his resume plus lack of hospital nursing experience, they balk. He finally admitted that his age was a factor in his not getting a hospital job. He tried for hospital jobs just after graduation in 2010. He had one lined up, but it fell through. Couldn't find others. He applies for any hospital jobs that come up in our area.
    Last edited by Pebbles67; 02-11-2013 at 10:16 AM.

  8. #4738
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    Paula, what about the nursing shortage? I know he wants to be an ER nurse, but maybe just getting in the door would be a first step. Its better than continuing part time, yes?
    Karin


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  9. #4739
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sabine View Post
    This is rough. I'm sorry your streak ended, but still very impressed that you made it through your period with no binges. That's a great victory.

    A husband-binge, that's harder to guard against. I don't know what I would do in a situation like yours, but I know what I want to do to your husband, that's for sure. Grrr. It does not sound like he was using his nice-human behavior last night. We're often told we have to be responsible for our own emotions and behavior, but it can be hard to manage when someone is attacking us like that. (yes, attacks. I count five : saying he should go alone, food sabotage, expectation of 'obedience', abandonment, mis-placed affection to control).

    Perhaps a binge was the only form of self-defense possible last night, but I hope it gets better/easier today. Thinking of you, Pebbles.
    I think maybe this binge was your subconscious way of regaining control over the situation at hand? You had to have felt helpless with him giving you instructions, choosing the dinner, and then leaving you abandoned at the party...


    Quote Originally Posted by canio6 View Post
    However, I would let him know in no-uncertain terms that you are his wife, the mother of his children, and for much of your marriage the reason he has food to eat and a roof over his head. Given all of that you expect to be respected, treated well, and given your due - your due being that he is proud of what you have done not nursing some grudge like a 3 year old.

    F*cking asshat husbands making us all look bad.
    ^this

    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    vent truncated
    I'm glad you got that out and I'm sorry he is being so... I can't even think of the word I want to use here... about the situation and how he worded it. He is obviously trying to make himself look like a prince for taking care of your mom, but he left out some vital information that would completely change the frame of the story. I'm sorry he's being like that.


    Quote Originally Posted by demuralist View Post
    I did not mean to bring on a rant, although I definitely think it has merit (both the content and emotion). and man do I feel your frustration having read the paper and really having no way to give your counter point. (Although you could do your own creative writing assignment and ask him to edit it).
    ^this!!! I LOVE THIS!


    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    Karin - He is 53 and when hospitals see that on his resume plus lack of hospital nursing experience, they balk. He finally admitted that his age was a factor in his not getting a hospital job. He tried for hospital jobs just after graduation in 2010. He had one lined up, but it fell through. Couldn't find others. He applies for any hospital jobs that come up in our area.
    Why does he even put his age on his resume? My age is not on mine... They don't get that info until I'm in the interview, in which case they can only GUESS my age, and won't get the official age until I fill out the payroll information. It's none of their business how old I am and age has nothing to do with how well I would work for them, or how long... He needs to take his age off his resume. It does NOT speak to his abilities to do the job so it should not be considered - in fact, one could say it's age discrimination if they use that as a deciding factor.

    In Iowa, it is illegal for a potential employer to ask about age, family situation, marital status, or age of children, what happens if there is a family emergency (who will leave work), etc as that tends to change their impression of candidates and is a form of discrimination. Surely NY has something similar as I view NY to be way more progressive than Iowa.
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  10. #4740
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    Jen is right, there are some things an employer can not ask. I bet they can not ask age. There would be a discrimination case if they did!
    Karin


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