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Thread: The Bedrock Journal - ( Pebbles67) page 474

  1. #4731
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I will not rake your husband over the coals, much as I may want to and he may deserve it. I will note that you are worth more than he seems to think, far more. You are everything a strong man wants in a woman, even with the baggage, because what grown ass woman doesn't have baggage? It would appear that he is insecure, both because he feels threatened by you and because he never grew a tough outer hide.
    As to that binge, I can see your reasoning. I can also say shit happens. While this is nominally a reset of your binge free days, I would frame it more as "I've had [x] binge free days since [date you started LCHF.]" That seems like it would be more encouraging.
    Last edited by naiadknight; 02-11-2013 at 05:03 AM.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
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  2. #4732
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    Agreed with NK on the counting. The truth is, yeah, you did binge, but in the scheme of your EMF protocol, you are still doing extremely well.

    I hope your day off is restful and recuperative. You deserve it! You have been dealing with plenty of crap and handling it marvelously, from what I have read. It is okay to fail sometimes, and you've already recognized the failure, so you are good to move on!
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  3. #4733
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    Chris, I do see what you mean. That may have sounded like a little bit of childishness on my part. Here is where those feelings are coming from.

    Bill is in a creative writing class. He recently wrote a memoir of my mother's near death before her diagnosis. It is about how he saved her life and thereby ruined his chances to work for that hospital system. In the memoir, I am portrayed as a woman who is helpless and leaves him to take of everything. He asked me to read and edit it.

    The truth (from my standpoint) is that... I had a husband who was studying to be a nurse and had some medical knowledge. My Mom went into crisis on a school day when she was already in the hospital. I noticed her distress when I stopped by to see her on my lunch. My husband just happened to be there in the ER with our older son who had strep throat. I asked him to check on my Mom and take care of things while I went back to school for 2 periods (1.5 hrs). I had not signed out and had no plans ready, so I could not just call in for the rest of the day. I was carrying our family financially.
    Yes, I left him with a sick child and dealing with a worsening situation with my Mom. But I was unaware that things were that bad. I came back right after school and took our son home. Bill stayed to take care of Mom.

    Yes, at that point I weighed in the 270's, I had a hard time working all day and then coming home and keeping house etc. Yes, I had come through a period of post partum depression in 2004. Yeah, the sex wasn't all that great. Yes, I was often emotional and really did not know how to deal with my Mom's situation. Yes, He was in nursing school and it was hard. Yes he did save her life, several times and in saving her life, he stepped on some toes and never got a job at that hospital.

    BUT He acts as if I stood around wringing my hands for 4 years. When I say to him, "Remember that I was the one who took one day off a week to take Mom to all her chemo appts after her diagnosis" He says, "Yeah, because I had had enough."
    What? So you forced me to take care of my Mother? I cry Bullshit.

    You see, He still wants to judge me on that fat woman...Who, as useless as she was, took care of the kids, the bills and the house and supported his ass through Nursing School and is still supporting his ass even though he has a degree. I understand that the job market sucks. I wouldn't even care that he only works part time if we could survive on that money and if he wasn't such a prick most of the time.

    Damn, I was so proud of my self for not ranting about my husband in so long...Ah this is my f-ing life, and sometimes I really wish it were different.

  4. #4734
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    Your binge could be considered a carb refeed and actually help you if you keep on track today. Also, notice how your other symptoms are feeling today, which may be hard considering you are still so mad/ hurt. Track your energy levels and other symptoms throughout the day. Use this slip up to test whether increased carbs effect your symptoms and it will become something useful.

    I have noticed that your hubby often offers you ways to go astray when you have date nights. A few pages ago you posted that he offered your a favorite ice cream after a fun night out. I wonder if he is trying to sabotage you and then be able to say you failed. You know the whole crabs in a bucket thing is very real for most of society (except here where we all want to throw you out of the bucket so that you can help rescue the rest of us)!

  5. #4735
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    It sounds like there is a lot that he is willfully not taking responsibility for, and trying to take the spotlight where he can. I have to admit, P, his version of what happened versus yours is kind of scary. It's not fair for him to hold your problems against you. It's okay to be angry at the unfairness, too. I hope you can find more ways to get this off your chest & get some help dealing with it. You may not be able to change him, but you can change yourself. Maybe there is something you can do to make it easier on yourself. You have to remember this his expressions do not really have any bearing on you.

    It seems like maybe he resents you for getting yourself together now. Maybe he wants to, but he is too depressed (guessing?). I have experienced that from myself and from friends, over the course of my attempts at recovery. [edit] After reading Mud Flinger's post, maybe that is why he is (consciously or not) seemingly trying to sabotage your attempts.

    Anyway, for today, relax. Take a bath! Have some tea. Work on that water consumption. Take a nap, if you need it. It does not sound like there is anything that needs immediate attention right now, so give yourself a day off.
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  6. #4736
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    Wow. Your husband and mine could have gone to the same charm school. There were years in our marriage that I questioned whether I wanted to be treated like this for the rest of my life when he treated me like that. His was not so much prepping me beforehand but tearing me down afterwards when I thought everything had gone well. It is a horrible way to live and absolutely awful on the self esteem. Just remember, it is HIM with a problem, not you. Always, always, always believe in yourself!
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  7. #4737
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    I did not mean to bring on a rant, although I definitely think it has merit (both the content and emotion). and man do I feel your frustration having read the paper and really having no way to give your counter point. (Although you could do your own creative writing assignment and ask him to edit it).

    My thought process is more along the lines that I felt like you hold a bit of guilt (for lack of a better word) for that situation with your mom. I was actually thinking more that if you said something like..."thank you for your sacrifices to save my mom's life, your help was invaluable" and end it there. Whether he ever admits to you or himself, that you made huge contributions, but to just move on. You cannot make that past you suddenly a thin, energetic, sex machine, superwoman. And then you forgive yourself (if that is the right way to say it) for those things you just listed and say hey the best you can do is what you are doing right now. And he needs to buck up and take responsibility for his part (or not, but that is his problem) and get on with it.

    This is where you are right now, the past is unchangeable, the best you can do is learn from it, but in my opinion most of the details should be left behind.

    So he stepped on toes at one hospital, there have to be other docs, hospitals, urgent care centers in the area. (is he not working now?).

    I am looking from the outside, with very little information, so I could be way off base here, and of course I am no trained therapist, you should feel free to let me know that I am way off or it is none of my business or whatever. I just know that there was a period of time when I was very ill for about 6 weeks got better for 2 then ill again for 4, and DH had to take care of the kids and do his regular work and take care of the house and take care of me. And the guilt I felt for those 3 months was huge, and it lingered for a long time. Now I admit my DH never threw it back at me, but it ate me up for a long time. And that is sort of where I was coming from.

  8. #4738
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    Sabotage - I am not sure if he is subconsciously (or consciously)trying to get me to fail or if he just doesn't understand that a little bit of wheat or sugar can set me off, especially in an emotional circumstance.

    The crazy thing is that (I think) my husband really loves me. He knows he could not do better, and we have built a good life.

    I know he feels like crap about himself. Although he has always been impatient and demanding, this angry, volatile man has only been around for about 6 years, corresponding to his own health deterioration.

  9. #4739
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    I don't think it is uncommon for people who are around someone who is successfully taking charge of their health to feel threatened, especially when they are not doing it for themselves, and therefore turn to sabotage (consciously or subconsciously). And in his case he has a lot of reasons to feel threatened right now and to feel less than confident himself.

  10. #4740
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    That story sounds really hurtful, and I have to wonder at his motives in having you read it. I guess this is where forgiveness is so important in a marriage.

    Useless does NOT encompass working, taking care of the kids, the house, the husband, the money. Just because he wanted more, does not mean your efforts were worthless. It just means he wanted more. Well, tough cookies, we don't always get what we want. This sounds very much like he has a problem, and is trying to make it your fault. We need to support our spouses with their problems, but not to the extent of taking the blame. That wouldn't help them, anyway.

    It is good that you can get these things out in a safe place. Don't give it up, even if you edit everything away later. Keeping it inside just begs for food to keep it company, and we all know how that makes us feel.

    Are you doing something fun today, just for you?

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