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  1. #431
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    Primal Fuel
    LOL, Only you guys would compliment me on my bingeing prowess.

    Well, We met with Mom's oncologist yesterday. I could tell it was very hard for him to tell her that he had exhausted all options. He has given her almost 4 years of good quality life and calls her his miracle. They would not have given her weeks when first diagnosed. He is calling Hospice for us today.

    She asked if she would gain any strength back since they have stopped chemo. He said hopefully, but it will only be temporary until the cancer starts to win again.
    She asked if she would ever see him again. He said Call me anytime. I will come visit you if you want. I want you to sing to me again. (We sang to him a couple of weeks ago.)
    God, I just wanted to cry. I'm very tearful today. It is a good thing we are doing a half day of training. I only have to teach 2/5 classes.

    My husband and Mom are not getting along well. He has to take her to most of her appointments, because I work school hrs. He is an RN and should have patience and understanding about her situation, but that is not the case. He gets frustrated and angry and often says incredibly mean things to her. Granted, she behaves badly when with him as well, but she is the one dying. I feel torn and I want to tell him to grow the F up. He has an anger problem, but you'd think he could exercise some control in this case. Doesn't he realize that I will remember his behavior toward my mother long after she is gone and that it could really negatively effect our marriage? I look ahead to the years after our kids are gone and think about how trapped I will feel living out my life with a man with no mercy. What if I get cancer? Will he blame me because I was fat for most of my life? Whenever I try to talk to him about his behavior, things I have done get thrown back at me, so he never hears me. (No, I am not miss perfect either) I was thinking of writing him a letter to express my feelings on the anger issue, but I don't know how that will go over. Staying silent won't do either as I feel things festering inside me. Sorry to be so negative. My husband is not a bad guy most of the time. I hate to lay this all out here, but sadly I sometimes feel closer to you all than any IRL friends.

    OK time to wipe the tears off my face. Students arrive in 10 minutes.
    Last edited by Pebbles67; 10-08-2011 at 07:15 PM.

  2. #432
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    I know that I have seen cases like this in which the person being mean (your husband) is sort of angry with the person sick for getting sick. Not sure I can explain this fully or well, but I remember being angry with my grandmother when I found out she was terminal, luckily I was not mean to her (well one short instance for which I apologized profusely and which really forced me to understand what I was feeling). You might let him know that more than how you will remember this, will also be how he will remember this. There will be no ability for him to make it up and it will eat at him.

    My heart breaks for you, I am lucky enough to have both parents still and cannot imagine the pain when I come to your situation. You are on my mind.
    Chris
    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
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  3. #433
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    Doesn't he realize that I will remember his behavior toward my mother long after she is gone and that it could really negatively effect our marriage? I look ahead to the years after our kids are gone and think about how trapped I will feel living out my life with a man with no mercy. What if I get cancer? Will he blame me because I was fat for most of my life?
    *hugs*

    have you told him what you typed above?

  4. #434
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    My mom had a lot of anger towards my dad when he was sick with MS and she was his primary caretaker. In some cases, I honestly think the anger comes with the territory. After dad died, I sort of became mom's caretaker even though she wasn't ill and I was angry with her over this. I think a lot of that has to do with the stress the caretaker feels. Praying for you guys.
    Georgette

  5. #435
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    I ended up having a talk with my husband instead of writing the letter. It seemed to go okay, but then he went to work and was stewing over it all night. He came home exhausted in the morning, cruising for a fight. He said that I don't appreciate him and if we are going to divorce, then we should do it now while we are still young.

    I told him that I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a person who can't control his temper. Last night I said "It scares me to think about when the kids are gone and its just us" then I said the cancer thing quoted above. I never mentioned divorce.

    This back lash reaction made me mad so I reminded him of three years ago when he would repeatedly compare me to other women he knew. According to him, I was unsupportive, over emotional and incapable of performing my "job" as a wife and Mom. He told me at that time that he didn't want to live with a person who was obese and getting sicker. He didn't want to live with me when I was becoming my mother. I of course believed he was about to leave me. I was over weight and overstressed, but I had supported him financially through nursing school for 4 years. During that time I had gone through and gotten over post partum depression after our last son, continued to be an effective teacher, took care of the kids while he studied, kept things going in the home. Granted, the house wasn't clean, we didn't have sex much and I was probably bitchy. We did not like each other much by the time he earned his RN. I am mostly over this, but when he got mad at me for expressing my feelings about a problem he has, I felt it was a good analogy.

    We spent the last 2 and a half years rebuilding our relationship and things have been better. When I almost died last year, we realized that we did not want to be apart. But, some things said cannot be unsaid. His excitement over my new healthier self will always be colored by his behavior towards me when I was fat and he couldn't see all the things that I was doing to support him. He only saw the fat...I have always been the great person I am no matter my size. I think that he feels the same way about my statement to him that his "behavior sometimes borders on verbal abuse". I think his anger issue is a serious problem that has gotten worse in recent years, but it does not negate who he is. He is a great guy who has done so much for my Mom including fighting with his own colleagues when he felt that they were not giving her quality care. She would have died four years ago if not for his efforts.

    All of us have faults. We just have to be willing to try and fix them. I understand how hard it is to make a huge change. I did my best to put forth my feelings last night with the minimum of hurt involved. Hopefully he can move past it even if he will always remember it.
    Last edited by Pebbles67; 10-08-2011 at 04:01 PM.

  6. #436
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    Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through that with your husband. Not so sure what to say except that you have support here.
    Georgette

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    Paula, so very sorry that you have this added, totally unnecessary stress. We do all have our faults and all marriages go through some type of stress and hopefully end up coming out stronger (usually after a bit of time and a lot of work). You guys should plan to take a week or weekend somewhere alone. Sometime in the future. Part of the healing could occur just in the process of planning to do something with each other for each other.

    I second what Georgette says, we are here to support you.
    Chris
    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
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    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

    My "Program": doing my version of a 5:2 -2 day fast diet with real food every day

  8. #438
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    .I have always been the great person I am no matter my size.
    I love this. I hope you and your husband can work through this. Chris's idea has a lot of merit
    Karin


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  9. #439
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    Thanks ladies, I appreciate the support.

    Yes I think a lot of our problem is situational. We're tired. He's off for the next two days with me and the kids. He slept most of today, but i invited him out to lunch tomorrow. He says the week was hard and it ended badly (meaning our conversation). As usual, it will be up to me to mend the fences. I am not however going to apologize for telling the truth.

  10. #440
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    My Mom died early this morning.

    Yesterday, she was very sleepy. She kept asking if there was a lady in her room with her. I imagine that it was her angel.

    I had my husband help put her to bed. While I was in the bathroom cleaning up, she thanked my husband and they made peace. He and I had done the same earlier in the day. After we got her into bed, she asked me to stay until she went to sleep. At 1am she pushed her lifeline button. By the time we got the call and went downstairs, she was gone. I am grateful that God gave me such a wonderful mother and that her time of extreme illness was short.

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