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Thread: The Bedrock Journal - ( Pebbles67) page 403

  1. #4021
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    Pebbles67 is online now Senior Member
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    He believes that he is doing what is best. There is usually nothing to videotape. Just hurtful, negative words. Things like if you don't _______then you will never have/do/be _________.
    You can't handle college and if you flunk out, we won't support you.

    Last night Billy begged me to help him figure out how to get things done without getting paralyzed with inaction. He has the "mountain-mole hill" syndrome. Everything looks too hard, so he does nothing. He is currently failing 2 classes. We are going to sit down with his planner(again) and try to make some daily plans which will get him through the rest of his senior year.

    He will go to community college or a state school, but even so, he will still get a quality education. I truly believe that he will do well and I for one plan to support him no matter what.

  2. #4022
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    Last night Billy begged me to help him figure out how to get things done without getting paralyzed with inaction. He has the "mountain-mole hill" syndrome. Everything looks too hard, so he does nothing. He is currently failing 2 classes. We are going to sit down with his planner(again) and try to make some daily plans which will get him through the rest of his senior year.

    He will go to community college or a state school, but even so, he will still get a quality education. I truly believe that he will do well and I for one plan to support him no matter what.
    You rule as a mom. Baby steps for Billy will get him through this. Being "on my own" in college, living in the dorms, helped me immensely. It can be very uplifting to realize that you can support yourself/survive on your own when in a position to do so (sometimes, because you have to). Some people do not thrive in these situations, but if he is speaking positively about post-high school times, I think he'll do well.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
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  3. #4023
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    Thank You NW. I think that once he is done with HS, his life will change in a huge way. I really want him to be away for school. Being away from my parents totally changed my life.

  4. #4024
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    Paula- My dd is ADHD but the main issue is her anxiety. It tends to be quite debilitating at times. She sees a counselor every 2 weeks. He helps her with so many issues and situations (even dealing with me I am sure).
    Karin


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  5. #4025
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    To answer Tomi's question, My MIL is Critical, Demanding and Controlling. Husband also has a short fuse and is slow to forgive like his Dad. (Funny thing, I love them both, but I did not grow up with them.) My husband was the son that did not go to college. He got his Associates and RN at age 50. He is not really a bad guy. I think being the "failure" in his family for so long was incredibly painful. He never learned to be merciful about other people's faults. He thinks the hard line approach works.

    Here is an excerpt from an email he sent me this morning...

    "I'm just done with his lying and blowing off responsibility, he is
    either going to end up in the military or living on his own or with
    room mates and not getting anywhere in life, it scares me and the
    problem is that I can't get my own life going because I'm so consumed
    over him."

    Funny Thing...My husband spent time in the Navy after HS.

  6. #4026
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    Paula, I have the mountain/molehill syndrome too. I find that it helps me to think of it in small pieces. For example, I CAN fold and put away five things. Gee, I can fold and put away five more. I don't know why I though I had to get everything folded before I could put it away. I use this approach with other things successfully as well.
    Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.

  7. #4027
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    The Army (or whatever military branch is preferred) is not such a bad approach anyway. Boyfriend enrolled because he didn't see his life going anywhere. He started taking classes while he was still in. It helped him clean up a bit, despite being a college-like experience in some ways (partying, drinking, etc.). He got to interact with a lot more adults and see what his life could be like if he kept not taking care of himself. He followed orders because that is what you were supposed to do and learned a lot about respect. I think being friends with people from all kinds of situations and all ages gives a lot of perspective. You don't get quite the same experience in college, but it helps to branch out anyway.
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    Mrs. FW often gets the mountain-molehill thing. I try to just patiently walk her through going one step at a time and getting as much done as she can, and once she gets going she's fine. But it's that initial anxiety.

    Tell your husband to stop being a dick. All right, maybe more artfully. Don't accuse him of being negative, because that will just make him defensive and he'll just say he's doing what's right for Billy. But maybe use that old sales technique of feel, felt, found. I understand that you feel Billy is not doing [this, this, and this] and that it will hurt his chances for [success at college, etc.]. And there are millions of other parents who felt the same way whose kids were able to [turn it around, buckle down], and do you know why? Because they found that positive words and encouragement work better than self-fulfiling negative predictions. Because they found that asking questions and listening before passing judgment sometimes reveals hidden problems. Because threats don't work, incentives do. Kind of oversimplifying, but you get the idea.

    You have to let hubby know that you understand how he feels but that there's a better way, and others have found it. Husbands often feel like a discussion is a confrontation, and that if you see things differently that you are accusing or criticizing. It's the whole male ego thing. We're supposed to be the fixers, so we tend to become field generals. Fine in war, not in real life situations.

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    Interesting posts while I was typing. Just to add: if hubby feels like a failure because of what you've said, then that male ego defensiveness is dialed up to the max a lot of the time.

  10. #4030
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    OMG, you're husband reminds me of my mother. Crap. I'm so sorry for you and the boys. I'm praying that something good comes out of this for Billy so he isn't as screwed up as I am. We know I still have issues from my mother like that to this day. When you quoted that email from your husband, it sent chills up my spine. I can still hear things like that from my mom in my head. Sad thing is that because of this, I still like a failure to this day.
    Georgette

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