The Bedrock Journal - ( Pebbles67) page 326

[Pebbles67]

Well, I had a clean day until about 11:30 last night. I actually went to bed at 10, but at some point there was drama and I woke up to my husband and middle son yelling. Basically, my husband woke up and found the front door open. My 14 yr old had let the dog out but had not closed the door all the way. The dog let himself back in and one of the cats ran out. We live in the woods where fat house cats make yummy meals. My husband meanly told my son that if the cat died, it was his fault. He went back to bed. I got up to make sure my son was OK. He caught the cat, but was upset that his Dad was mad at him. I comforted him and got him to go to bed. I stayed up and binged for an hour, then fell asleep on the couch. I am already eating badly today.

I don't want to give you guys the wrong impression of my husband, but sometimes when he is angry, he can be a real shit.

Yesterday he informed me that he was sorry to be so depressed and useless and then in the same breath reminded me that part of the reason he is not getting to follow his dream to be an emergency room nurse is because he had taken time off to take care of my Mother and had alienated some people in the local hospital by demanding top notch care for my Mom. (Before her diagnosis, they had almost killed her with incompetency. He was working there at the time as a tech and got so angry he threatened to go after the licenses of the Dr.s and nurses. He also insulted a Nun whom they had sent to calm him down.)

Over our 22 years together, he has blamed me several times for things not going well for him. Everything from don't be pushy like my Mom and first wife to I failed out of an LPN program because of your post partum depression, to you were not supportive enough when I was in RN school (but all his female classmates were) and now this. He has been a part time worker for most of our marriage, which has been great for our kids, but has put us in a bad financial position. I never nagged him to get more work and when he decided at 45 to become a nurse, I supported him. I have supported this family financially with a 20 yr teaching career and it looks likely that I will provide for our retirement years as well.

Yes, at times, my own food addiction issues have made it impossible to work, take care of the house and kids, and take care of him emotionally and physically as well. I guess that was when I was not supportive enough. Granted, I am not always a dreamboat to live with either.

Yesterday, my gut reaction to his statement about his "Dreams" was the thought "FU, why don't you just leave me then. I've had enough and I have other prospects." Gratefully, I did not say it. I just left on a shopping trip with my middle son. Sometimes, my husband makes it very hard for me to ignore the attentions of other men. "Danger, Danger Will Robinson" Maybe, that is part of the reason that I am eating, to make myself unlovable so I don't do something stupid. It is also a way of giving my husband the finger and having control of this situation.

Geez, I may have to delete this one later. It's Bad. Sorry.

[Sabine]

No, it is good to get it out.

Don't worry that we will think the worst of your husband. Everyone is a jerk sometimes. But they're also good guys most of the time. That's why it has to be for 'better or worse': there's always SOME worse.

That said: grrr. FU indeed! You are a paragon for NOT saying it.

[Sabine]

Also... isn't it aggravating that he can blame you for not being supportive, etc, but if you told him that your binge eating was because of him, he would probably think you were crazy, and tell you you need to be responsible for yourself..

[Pebbles67]

True. Thanks Sabine.

[Pebbles67]

Yesterday evening I made an effort to love on my husband a little. He had been physically and verbally pushing me away all weekend. He was only in the mood late at night and I just didn't have the energy due to TOM.

I gave him a foot rub and sat with him and watched a show about FDR. Then we had a little snuggle time (sorry, TMI) and then watched Homeland together.

He seems to be in a better mood today even though he did not sleep at all last night. He said he couldn't stop "thinking".

Today, we meet with our son's counselor for the debrief. Hopefully, he will say that he only needs to see Billy 1x/month. We've paid $600 to the counselor in the last 2 weeks. We just can't afford it.

Trying to eat well today.

[namelesswonder]

Ouch! Does insurance not cover that kind of thing (meaning, child therapy...or however you would classify that)? I wonder if his school would have a counselling option. I know mine did, though I didn't particularly like the counselors.

[Pebbles67]

I think we will get reimbursed a percentage.

[Pebbles67]

I loathe Philip Glass. The repetitive nature of his music makes my inner Aspergian want to scream.

[Pebbles67]

Last night, My husband and I fought on the way to see our son's counselor. He said something really nasty. (Why do men do that?). If I said half the shit to him that he says to me, we would be over. For him it was done after the blow up, but my anger and hurt stayed with me. He also put Philip Glass on really loud in the car because he knows how much I hate it.

We had a nice reprieve talking with the counselor. It was clear that Billy had talked about his Dad's temper. The counselor handled it beautifully. He thinks that Billy has a lot of suppressed anger towards his Dad and was able to suggest some ways that Bill could help Billy.

Afterwards, We went to dinner as planned. He was being cute and teasing and I was still feeling upset. Then he wanted sex. So I put out because it was easier than explaining how I was feeling and being the "unforgiving one". I was a damn good actress last night.

Sorry for spewing this crap here. Unlike my husband, I am not willing to say this stuff to his face because It would really hurt him. Maybe things will get better once TOM is over or maybe not.

[demuralist]

I have found that once said things linger, so I usually don't say them. If they continue to bother me, I will pick an appropriate time to broach the subject. Of course if you remember anything about my history you know that I have a very hard time picking the appropriate time!

I would say, that it is time for him to grow up and take responsibility for his own successes and failures. He blames you because he doesn't want to do that. But part of being an adult is taking responsibility.

When my son was having some issues, one of the pediatricians in the group had a child psych degree and she saw him, insurance covered it. She got to the crux of the problem very quickly and we all dealt with it and it was over.

Question, when he is being ugly, do you respond in kind? ie, raise your voice and argue back? I tended to spout off early in our marriage then get over it but it would linger with DH, then he started to just let me spew. Once done he would say something like, 'I didn't know you felt that way' in a very calm voice. It always ended the argument and I didn't feel like he had cut me off, although at first it did irritate me that he wouldn't argue back. It slowly taught me to be more mature/civil and now we just don't argue, or raise our voices. We disagree mind you, but it is a conversation now. Much more helpful. The only thing this doesn't work for is when it is in regards to sex. I have not figured out yet how to get him to talk about that.