Primal Journal - ElaineC page

[ElaineC]

I chronically suck at journals. I don't deny it. This time, I keep hitting so many exciting things though, that I just want to shout it out to the world! I have to put it down, I have a need to see it written to believe its happening. So here we go, first order of business is a copy of my story, posted on a different section of the forums.

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I can't even remember how I wound up getting Mark's Daily Apple in my inbox. Not even remotely. I kept thinking of removing myself, I never read it, but for some reason I didn't. Then, I started reading it, and Mark's incredible candor, humour and honesty had me hooked. That, and I liked what he had to say. I mean really liked.

You see, I've always been a carnivore. I love my steak. Roast lamb, count me in. Salmon on the bbq, just call and give me 5, I'll be over. I love veggies. I'm not a big bread eater.

However, over the years I've forced myself to eat "the correct way", because I'm overweight. I'd struggle with diet after diet, and even when working on a farm, throwing over 200 bales of hay every day at 60lbs each, walking on average 10+ miles a day, I was still overweight. I dutifully did what nutritionists said, what my Dr said, and still gained weight. I cut calories, I went whole grain, I even taped the food pyramid to my fridge and followed it like a religion. I learned to loath "the look", which was inevitably followed by the words "We can't help you if you don't write everything down". When I swore up and down I did, I got the "sympathetic look" - "oh you poor dear, you're just hiding it from yourself, I'm only here to help..."

When I quit working outdoors, my lifestyle went from having an extremely physical job, to essentially a desk job. My rear end exploded. I gained, and gained, and gained. It didn't matter how closely I tracked things, how carefully I counted calories, I felt awful and I looked awful. I still carry the terrible results with me, and I am not happy!

A couple of years ago, I finally decided that even though I'm overweight and packing a wide load, I was going to do the things that made me happy anyways. I became more active, bought myself a 2000lb draft horse and got back into riding, began shoeing horses on the side again. I became stronger, and started walking more. Junk food disappeared from my diet bit by bit, until I was eating very healthily by dietary standards. Still, my weight stayed the same. Frustration set in when my health began to steadily break down, until I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia as well as Chronic Myofacial Pain. Translation - I hurt. Alot.

I ate healthy foods. I bought local. I only ate meat from places that I knew how it was raised. I cut out every little thing I could think of, and it helped, a little, for a while. I ate less meat, more whole grain bread. I learned to like oatmeal. I continued to get worse and worse. Finally, this past summer, I was put on some heavy duty drugs, the main side effect being weight gain. I still call it my miracle drug, it allowed me to move again, and begin battling all this horrible excess weight.

I started researching online again, and drawn by Mark's style and wit, came to the Daily Apple. The lights went on, and I thought finally! I have permission to eat the way I want, the way I like, the way that I've always said I should but was told was bad, wrong, unhealthy! I had already ordered a side of beef, split with 2 other people, from a friend of mine who raises cattle. I found out another friend had home grown eggs, her son got chickens. Over the last 2 weeks, I've cut out grain, sugar, pasta, all the stuff I'm really not that fond off anyways.

This week I really, really have had some great moments. Yesterday, for the first time in I kid you not 10 years or more, I shot hoops with a co-worker for over an hour. My arms are killing me, and I'm just thrilled. I love basketball, even though I'm horrible at it, and not only did I play, I kept it up for an hour or more, without being winded! Yes I feel pain, but its good pain, not awful FM/CMP pain!! And when we quit, I was winded but within a half hour felt good enough I could have picked it up again if we'd had the time. This has been an impossibility for me for *years*.

Tonight, another big, huge, amazing, wonderful event. Its been a couple of weeks since I rode, the weather has been miserable and cold, and I've been too busy getting ready for the holidays for more than a quick pat and a nose-kiss of my trusty beast. The first sign was when I put on my riding boots - my foot slipped right in. No tightness, no puffiness to kind of jam in there (ew, gross I know, but it is what it is), they just slipped on and laced up, I had no swelling or water retention in my feet at the end of the day.

The second sign was I swung a leg over easily, no stiffness, no pain. I swear, I had to check my stirrup length to check that no one had shortened one as a joke. Normally I get caught half way over, have to wriggle a bit because I'm stiff and sore and my FM makes life difficult and painful. Not this time. It felt good!

The third and most wonderful sign of all that this is what I need, what will I believe will ultimately save my life, happened when my butt hit the saddle. I had room. Really, I stood up and sat back down. I had room!! I *have* room!!!

I don't know how much weight I've lost. I don't know how many inches I've lost. I look in the mirror and thats all I need to know - I have a long journey ahead of me. A comedian once said a mirror is much more functional than a bathroom scale, you can see if you're fat or not, and you can fix your hair too, and I tend to agree with him. I do know, that I'm finally on a path with hope.

I had to write this out, partially to sum it up, partially to wrap my head around it, partially to just put that joyous feeling, that hope and celebration, out there on the 'net. Small novel, yes. Healing process, check.

Grok On!

Elaine

[ElaineC]

I am amazed. I feel lighter. I feel unfettered, unrestricted. I have no idea what drives human beings to need permission to do something that comes naturally, why we cave to others when we know deep within ourselves what is right. I have an intense joy in knowing that finally, I can eat the way I want to. The way I've always gravitated to.

Since I was a teen, I've naturally gravitated to eating twice a day. I like to eat around 10am, and again around 6pm, maybe 7pm if I'm busy. Somewhere in there I'll have a snack, something small, but more often than not I won't.

For years, I've fought this. I've made myself eat breakfast, even though I feel like I'm going to puke. I worked at jamming those 3 meals and 2 or 3 snacks in a day. I counted calories, I tracked and monitored. My weight exploded, and just wouldn't come off. FitDay told me I should be losing, and losing alot. Nothing moved, nothing changed, I just felt frustrated and sick.

The last week, since deciding its time to make "the change", has been wonderful! I eat breakfast when I want, and I eat leftover chunk o' meat. If thats all I want, thats all I eat. If I want some pickles with that, or some fruit, or some carrots or berries, its all good. If I skip lunch, or if I don't eat till 10, its all ok. Dinner is veggies, and meat. I love both. I can eat cauliflower every day, I will maul a broccoli with butter on it. Whole roast onions are wonderful. I know these things, because I've always loved these things. I know how to cook meat, handle it, store it, where to buy it in large quantities, because thats what comes naturally to me.

Having someone give me that permission to not force myself to eat, and if hungry to eat, is amazing. To know its ok to not eat bread, that I don't have to cook rice when really all I want is fried up ground beef with mushrooms, onions and a white sauce thrown in. I would force, *force* myself to make rice to go with that. Not that I hate rice, I just didn't want to eat it.

I love berries. Those frozen berry mixes at the supermarket? I'm there. I'd force myself to make oatmeal, so I'd have the excuse to eat berries. Now, those berries are along side high fat cottage cheese, or with bacon and eggs. Again, I don't mind oatmeal, I have nothing against it, but I was only using it as a medium to eat what I really wanted to. To eat things that aren't even unhealthy! How crazy is that?

Breakfast this morning was left over roast beef from last night. Lunch was the same, with a pear and some baby carrots. I don't feel deprived, and I don't feel like I'm eating the same thing over and over, because I'm eating something I like. People can eat a bagel for breakfast for years, or the same cereal, and not feel restricted because they like it. Well, now I feel free to do the same.

Its liberating.

[ElaineC]

The day after swinging a leg up on Ben, my trusty beast, and finding extra room in my saddle, I caved. I had to get on the scale. I just had to, because I couldn't believe in such a short time, there had been that change. Trust me, a saddle horn in the gut is not pleasant, and I have clearance now - amazing! So, into FitDay the weight went, and I thought my god, if thats the weight now, what did I weigh 2 weeks ago?

So here I am, 5 days later, and I did it again. Bad me. I know I can become a slave to the scale very easily, I have to be careful. I'm down another 8lbs. Not even a faking it, fudging the numbers a little, stepping this way or leaning that way to make it move 8 lbs. A good, solid, yep its gone number.

Thank god I read the post about "its just water weight", because that was what I instinctively thought. Oh, its just water weight. It will come back.

I can throw away the fact that I have more energy in a heartbeat. I can ignore the fact that for the first time in years, I can move and use my muscles without pain and agony brought on by my Fibromyalgia (thanks Pfizer, those drugs are amazing, but I hope that one day I won't need them). I can actually throw away all those good things, belittle them, make them nothing with the words "Its just water weight".

Its mental insanity.

So I focus on my muscles having some tension in them. I focus on my boots, that lace up tighter, that have more left over lace at the end. I tell myself, its still weight loss, and it will keep happening. Eat food. Move. Processed, package crap is not food, and I don't want it or need it. Enjoy that chunk of roast, savour those left over veggies.

I am not a slave to the scale.

[Analog6]

Hi Elaine, it's great isn't it? I don't know why we need 'permission' either, must be all those didactic teachers when we were kids, or our parents telling us to 'do as you're told'.

You history sounds like classic gluten intolerance to me (read my initial post in my journal). Until 5 years ago, when I did Atkins low carb for the first time, I'd suffered 52 years of migraines, itchy skin, bloating, discomfort after meals (the medical fraternity insisted this was because I was eating too much fat, it turned out to be gluten), tiredness, joint pains . . . Since giving up bread and gluten grains in Sept 2005 I've never been better. But I did fall of the weight loss wagon end due to overindulgence in potatoes, chocolate and wine.

On 5 dec last I restarted my Atkins, and a few days later found MDA via a low carb site in NZ. I've lost 11kgs (as at last Sunday) and this week my scales broke, so like you I'll just go by the old tape measure and my clothes.

I've always been a big carnivore too and having the freedom, or if you like 'licence' to eat as much as I want is bliss. I used to ride all my life up to my mid 40s when I got too large for the Arabians I was breeding. I'm sure I could hear them groaning if they saw me coming with a saddle. And it just hurt too much. I can't afford another horse at the moment, but who knows, down the road a bit the opportunity may arise.

It's nice to enjoy life and meals again.

[ElaineC]

Analog6 - emblazoned on my tack trunk, courtesy of my best friend is a sign that says "Ride a draft, it makes your ass look smaller" Whenever I'm at the barn and someone new is there, and I get "the look", remembering pls that I'm just over 6' tall, female and overweight, I grin. Then after I scramble up courtesy of my draft size mounting block, I'll holler at at least one of the guys "Hey, does Ben make my ass look smaller??" LOL Its become almost a custom! Oddly enough, even when I offer no one else will get up on my 17.2hh, 2000lb Belgian.

I arrived at my parents last night, grandkids are ripping all over high as kites because Santa is coming. Their parents (My bro and his wife) are on their way, and its bedlam. In the middle of it all my mother says "Hey, have you lost weight?" You could have knocked me over with a feather, I saw them all of 3 weeks ago. So I say yep, I sure have, and when she asked how I said flat out "I stopped eating grains". I waited for the criticism, or some kind of "thats not healthy" comment, but none came. All she said was "yeah, if I eat alot of bread thats when I gain too". Z...O...M...G... Did we just have a bonding moment? Did we just agree, let alone agree on something regarding nutrition!?!? Best Christmas comment EVER!!!

Even though I slept on a couch last night, I feel good. I slept well! Its a surprise, and quite frankly I'm putting it all down to diet changes. So far, I'm managing to keep carbs to a minimum, and I'm not getting the awful carb binge urges. I can have a chocolate, and stop at that one. I can say no. My Dad's cashew stash is not safe from me though, muahaha!! Having a breakfast of scrambled eggs and smoked salmon was outstanding. I cannot wait to dig into that turkey either!

[ElaineC]

Home again, home again, jiggity jog - I am glad to be back home! I found it absolutely fascinating that the day I ate junk food in the morning, I had cravings for it that night. I haven't had cravings like that in days, but all I wanted was junk food. Not real food at all. So now I'm back home, comfy and looking forwards to eating right without temptations around. I was especially pleased that the half spaghetti squash I have in the fridge looks good, so thats dinner tonight with some nice beef n mushroom n tomato n garlic sauce on top. With extra for breakfast. I'm still very pleased that I don't hate spaghetti squash, I really did expect to. I'm also amazed at how much just one squash produces! And I don't feel all weird just making a big pot of ground beef, mushrooms, onions, garlic, tomatos etc and just showing down on that. Give it time though, I'll get there!

So far I'm resisting the urge to weigh myself, I am trying to go on flat out faith that this is the way to go, though a small part of me is convinced I gained 20lbs in the last 3 days! The mind games I play with myself are appalling when I step back, yet I will still fall into that trap. The last few days have proven to me though, that knocking out those dietary elements are the way to go for me. I feel ok still, but just ok. I'm not tired, but I don't have that energy either. Time for a good, solid dinner, and a good nights sleep in my own bed!

[ElaineC]

My insanely long reply to a question re. Fibromyalgia - it saves me typing it out again if I want to reference it! I also have CMP, so double whammy there.

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I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 2 1/2 years ago. I went through over 2 years of testing to get that diagnosis. I lived for years in pain before that, the long search for "the answer" began when I could no longer function with the amount of pain I was in.

Imagine the skin soreness of the flu, every day. The feeling of muscle exhaustion after a hard workout, by just getting out of bed. The weight of clothing hurt. Showering hurt. I wish I was exaggerating, but this is my every, single day, and worse.

Things that have made a difference that aren't prescription:
a strong calcium/magnesium supplement - I call these my energy pills. The results are amazing! My muscles don't have that exhausted feeling any more, I can do a few things before hitting that awful muscle tiredness. I take 4-6 caplets a day, each caplet contains 333mg calcium and 167mg magnesium. I keep these in my car, as well as on my desk

Vitamin B complex - another life changer. These bring my energy up, and keep me going. I try to take only one a day, but often wind up taking one in the morning, and one at night.

MSM - helps tremendously with soreness, especially contact soreness. 2000mg a day

Vit D - not sure what its specifically helping me out with, I just know I feel better, and healthier! I take at least 2,000 iu/day, and I know lots of people here take more

With these 4 supplements, I started to get my life back. I'd still have some serious fibro crashes, but they were shorter. I could actually function and feel ok. I was still sleeping 10-11 hours per night, and sleeping most of Saturday and sometimes half of Sunday, in order to function at work.

I've been away without these supplements for a few days, and I feel much worse for it.

I started on the prescription drug Lyrica in October, and it was a life changer for me. Yes, the side effects are nasty for the first little while, and I gained about 20 lbs on it within a month, but I'm thinking it was water retention. I have my life back because of this drug, I can move!! I can actually move, and use my body, and things work, and the only pain I feel is normal workout pain, normal joint pain. It isn't a pain killer, it just quietens the nervous system so I'm not as reactive to stimulus. I'm still very noise sensitive and light sensitive, but its workable. I sleep much, much better, and when I wake up, I'm awake. No more hours of battling through fog to actually be awake. When I go to bed, I fall asleep within half an hour, instead of longer, and I sleep deeply.

In 2 weeks of going primal, I got my energy back. Residual joint pain started going away. I am still very, very wary of repetitive motions, things that will cause my muscles to contract and not relax, because I also have CMP. I am still very cautious physically, but am regaining range of motion and suffering only the normal pain that goes along with that - its "good" pain. I want to work out, and the exercises Mark outlines gives me a way to work out without fearing I'm going to damage myself. If I restrict myself to the same motion more than 3 or 4 times in a row, I'll be in trouble, so cycling or anything on a machine is out. As long as I vary things by just a little, I am ok, so whole body movement works very well. I'm also losing the weight I gained since going on Lyrica, as well as all the weight I've gained over the years I've been in pain.

Other things I do - I minimalize chemicals in my house. I'm fortunate that I have my own well, so my water is fresh, clean and pure. I stick to as "clean" a food as I can, fresh meats and veggies, minimal processing, so going primal was not all that big of a step for me. All my clothes go through an extra rinse in the wash, to minimalize any residue. Same with the dishes in the dish washer. Don't get me wrong, my house often looks like a bomb hit it with 2 dogs and a cat here too, but chemical agents are kept to as minimal as possible. I use good old soap and water, and vinegar for cleaning. My favorite cleaner is made from oranges, very concentrated, and does a great job.

I changed my shower head to one that is high volume, low pressure. Its the size of a plate, and is overhead, its fantastic! I can take a shower without feeling like my skin is being ripped off. I also changed to using pure glycerine soap. Nothing with perfumes or anything funky in it, or at least as little as possible. It helped with the skin soreness quite alot, and I am no longer afraid to take a shower. It sounds silly, but the pain can be incredible.

Is going Primal specifically helping my Fibromyalgia? I honestly don't know. It is, however, helping me with a myriad of other issues that go along with Fibro, and I believe 100% that I'm onto the right track, and doing what I need to do to finally get healthy. I feel better, I have energy, I want to do things and am even able to do some of those things without triggering exhaustion. It certainly isn't making things worse, only better.

[ElaineC]

Woke up this morning feeling groggy, sore and achy. And not hungry, then suddenly starving. I'm glad I took stuff out of the freezer, some feta cheese and eggs held me till the pork was done. Can't complain about that for breakfast and lunch! I'm looking forwards to seeing how long it takes for me to feel good again, even though I didn't cheat all that much in the last few days while away. Being back on my vits has already helped as well.

Dinner is going to be yummy, I have a pile of mushrooms that need eating up, so they'll fry up nicely with some onions and ground beef. Toss in some tomato sauce, and it'll use up the last of the spag. squash in the fridge too. Then out to see The Noble Beast, I think this is almost a record for not going to spoil him up. Might swing a leg over, might not, we'll see how we both feel.

[ElaineC]

I hate it when my mind plays games. I really do. Dinner as planned, very yummy, and I still feel like crap all over. I didn't get anything done today that I meant to, or wanted to. I'm back to that wailing, pathetic "oh woe is me, I'll be fat forever and this won't work" bullshit, and its so, so hard to break out of it. I find it amazing how from one week to the next, I can go from smart and positive and doing ok, to feeling horrible and nasty and hopeless. Sometimes, it feels like the switch happens in the blink of an eye.

I'm determined to make this work though. I'm just plugging through, and hoping tomorrow is a better day. Wailing, weepy depression takes tremendous energy to sustain, which with Fibro is not something I have a ton of to start with. I just have to stay focused on the end goal, and put one foot in front of the other, even if its just by a toe, in the right direction.

[ElaineC]

This morning, better. Woke up less groggy, but still groggy. Less sore, but still sore. Small steps in the right direction. Breakfast was kiwi fruit, and leftovers from last night's dinner. I'm trying to get the house tidied up, I do something for 10 minutes then have to stop, but on the up side I only stop for a little and restart again. Fibro sux. So does being overweight. I just keep reading success stories and more info and hope this is the way that will work for me, because it sure feels natural and goes along with what I'd prefer to do.