thanks for being here for me guys. it's amazing to me to think of the stupid ways we isolate ourselves from others, the categories we put ourselves in which prevent us from feeling comfortable with being around other people (or maybe it's just me). ya know, like the guys i wouldn't mind hanging out with but don't because i don't want to give them the wrong impression or make someone jealous. today i had childcare for a few hours, and spent some of that time alone crying. when i did manage to go out to run errands, i saw several people whom i know are cool, genuine people: at the greenhouse, the cooperative, hell even picking up the kids from the babysitter. i felt like shit but of course when asked all i could say was "i'm good, how are you?" any one of these people would've given me a hug if i had asked, so why do i insist on "being fine" when i know i'm not? because it's appropriate, that's why. and part of me thinks it's ridiculous.
the stuff in my head goes a little deeper than what i've said, but saying it out loud would be like opening a pandora's box. doesn't negate what we've talked about, just that that's kind of the tip of the iceberg.
i decided that today i'm going to eat whatever i want because i don't want to deal with it. tomorrow i'll go back to the meat/veg plan. i bought a flourless something or other covered in chocolate at the hoity-toity deli and just ate it. sugar high! (this is going to end well) i had planned to mow the lawn while the kids were gone, but it rained the whole time. the yard looks awful.
cori, this is still like crack: