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Thread: Saoirse's Primal Journal page 14

  1. #131
    Saoirse's Avatar
    Saoirse is offline Senior Member
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    okay, moving my vent here because i don't want to wreck a thread that might be helpful to others...

    i don't think my husband understands this. he's at work 9 hours a day (and sometimes weekends), and when he comes home he's usually talking on the phone to this friend of his from California (yes i know the friend, and i know that he's talking to him, and i know he's not having an affair). then he'll hang out with us upstairs for a while as we eat dinner, then he goes right back downstairs to work or play a computer game with his friend and the friend's girlfriend. then he comes up to put the kids to bed, and then goes right back downstairs, same story. i get it that he needs alone time, and i try to be respectful of that. meanwhile, i'm bored and lonely, but unable to go out and have fun because of my responsibilities at home. i've explained this all to him, very little meaningful response.


    last night, i went to bed without saying goodnight. he was still playing computer games. when he came to bed, he asked me if i was upset with him. i explained the situation again (very upset this time, rather than my usual calm demeanor) and i told him that he can expect an empty house this summer because i will be out with the kids most of the time. if he'd prefer to take his "alone time" on a computer with some dude halfway across the country, i don't want him to spend time with me just because i feel upset. and i mean it, i'd rather not sink to that level of having company out of pity or a sense of duty. i know he loves me, but he takes me for granted. i'm always here, always willing to give him my attention. this is why i want to find something out of the house to do that's fun. because this way, either he'll gain a better appreciation for a scarce commodity, or he'll continue to do what he's already doing but at least i won't be stuck alone, twiddling my thumbs.

    and why can't he listen to me when i talk to him, instead of waiting to care until i'm so upset that i become emotional?? i PREFER heading problems off before they snowball. do i have to prove that i'm upset by crying and making a scene?? ugh..
    Last edited by Saoirse; 02-21-2011 at 09:26 AM.

  2. #132
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    Hrmmm. This may be simplistic of me, but would it help if he had a way to play on the computer and yet also be physically near you? I know it helps us that I have my iPad now -- I can snuggle up with Optimus or hang out in the playroom with the kids and I'm still much more available that way. I can hold up my end of a conversation, pause to show him funny stuff I find online, etc.

    It probably also helps that our computer is in the main living space. It's not the same as vanishing into a basement or man-cave or whatever.

    I'm sympathetic. No, you shouldn't be obliged to make a big demo of how upset you are before an issue gets attention. But hopefully it helped/worked? Did he seem to get it at all?
    "Trust me, you will soon enter a magical land full of delicious steakflowers, with butterbacons fluttering around over the extremely rompable grass and hillsides."

  3. #133
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    Hrmmm. This may be simplistic of me, but would it help if he had a way to play on the computer and yet also be physically near you? I know it helps us that I have my iPad now -- I can snuggle up with Optimus or hang out in the playroom with the kids and I'm still much more available that way. I can hold up my end of a conversation, pause to show him funny stuff I find online, etc.

    It probably also helps that our computer is in the main living space. It's not the same as vanishing into a basement or man-cave or whatever.

    I'm sympathetic. No, you shouldn't be obliged to make a big demo of how upset you are before an issue gets attention. But hopefully it helped/worked? Did he seem to get it at all?
    he actually has conversations with these people as he's playing. i don't think there's much room in that equation for me unless i want to sit downstairs with him and watch him (no thanks). there's no way he would be willing to bring his computer upstairs. my laptop is in the living room for the same reason you cite.

    he got it, but i doubt it's going to change much. we've been married for almost 8 years, and really this is his personality. when we were first together, it wasn't an issue for me because i had lots of other things that i was doing. but, leaving the house with 3 kids in the middle of winter is becoming a daunting task, and the baby has recently developed a severe aversion to his carseat. i literally have to push on his pelvis to get him to sit in it long enough so i can put the straps on (besides the screaming, i'm worried i'm going to hurt him). because i'm essentially required to be home more, my methods of socialization are severely limited. i was never this needy until i had kids. he'll make an effort for a little while to spend more time with me, but i'm pretty sure he'll go back to taking me for granted in a few weeks, because i've seen it before. he's waiting on me now.

  4. #134
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    I guess just schedule stuff he's obliged to do, then. "Wednesday at 5 you are going with me and the kids to visit Barbara / walk laps in the indoor mall and talk / you're babysitting kids so I can walk laps with Barbara"
    "Trust me, you will soon enter a magical land full of delicious steakflowers, with butterbacons fluttering around over the extremely rompable grass and hillsides."

  5. #135
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    Saoirse, I really can understand where you're coming from, and to that I can only add this: Men are takers. They take and take and take until there is nothing more to take. You seem to have reached this state.

    You need to tell him what you want, and take it. You want more time with your hubby? Take it. Don't wait for him to give it to you. Make it hard for him to refuse you. He won't get it otherwise.

    Example: Kids and I are going to the mall for shopping, and YOU are coming with us because I need your help!

    Don't ask, don't beg. Tell him. Sure, he might raise some complaints, then if he can't be arsed. Tell him to stay at home and watch the kids while you get YOUR time alone with friends or whatever.

    This guy has some good points of the matter:

    Sometimes you need to be told the truth in order to be able to see it.

    My journal

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  6. #136
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    Exactly -- give him an inviolable schedule to follow. You might want to ask in the sense of "Which would be better for X, Thursday or Friday?" but either way it has to happen as a given. You two are partners, so he basically _has_ to be in the habit of participating in your life together.
    "Trust me, you will soon enter a magical land full of delicious steakflowers, with butterbacons fluttering around over the extremely rompable grass and hillsides."

  7. #137
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    interesting idea guys. i doubt he'd take that well. i know that if he told me what i was doing, i would probably laugh in his face and walk away. i'm going to have think about this for a while.

    fwiw, this issue of me not getting out has been going on for quite some time (ahem, since having kids). two weeks ago, he finally did agree to watch the kids for a 2 hour block while i went out to do whatever each sunday, but i missed last sunday due to a snow storm. i also talked to him about us using some of the tax return to buy climbing gear, and he was receptive to that. i think he doesn't like hanging out with me because our shared activities can get kind of boring (watching movies and playing card games can only go so far). so i guess there is a little hope. i know when the kids are older we'll be able to have more fun together. we haven't played paintball in quite some time!

  8. #138
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    I doubt he would take it well to just make it a demand like that. But really, he ought to agree in theory (with discussion) to the idea that he has to participate at least a certain amount -- whether that's going somewhere with you, babysitting while you do your own thing, or whatever. It's not fair for him to have his evenings free for endless gaming while you do all the child care.

    Once you get him to agree to that (and he really REALLY ought to, I mean, what argument could he possibly make?) then you set up the plan where you two arrange X evenings a week, Y hours per weekend, or whatever. Then it becomes just a question of which days he won't be going on Teamspeak-enabled raid instances, heheh.
    "Trust me, you will soon enter a magical land full of delicious steakflowers, with butterbacons fluttering around over the extremely rompable grass and hillsides."

  9. #139
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saoirse View Post
    i know that if he told me what i was doing, i would probably laugh in his face and walk away.
    P.S.: That actually IS what he's doing, through the assumption that he should have unlimited free time to game in the evenings. He is, functionally speaking, delegating everything that needs to be done during those hours to you -- AND not accompanying or assisting you with it -- AND not ensuring that you get free time of your own.

    Similarly, there's the assumption that not socializing with you is the default state.

    It just doesn't feel like he's telling you what to do because you're used to it and because it hasn't been explicitly stated.

    (Hope I'm not adding to your discontent by pointing this out... it's just my take on it based on what you've said. But perhaps some of these ideas will help you make your point to him...)
    Last edited by Jenny; 02-22-2011 at 08:48 AM.
    "Trust me, you will soon enter a magical land full of delicious steakflowers, with butterbacons fluttering around over the extremely rompable grass and hillsides."

  10. #140
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    I haven't been keeping up in your journal. It sounds like you're a gaming widow, just from reading this page. My sympathies. The only thing that cured my dh from that was being too busy to game. (School, fulltime job, another hobby...)

    I just came here to tell you I like your new avatar. You're beautiful!

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