Primal Journal (winencandy) page 374

[winencandy]

FWIW: When I have something I need to get out and it just doesn't happen and I know there will be consequences if I don't get resolution, I help things along by watching or listening to something that I know will trigger strong emotion. The end of "A Christmas Carol." Some animal videos. Looking at pics of loved ones who are no longer on this earth. Stuff like that. Actually it is quite therapeutic to do this periodically, kind of clean up the corners where things accumulate, the dust bunnies of the mind.

I think I might need a "trigger", but a big part of me thinks "if my own son almost dying didn't trigger it, but a sappy movie does, what kind of a mother does that make me?? This is the same part of me that wonders WHY I didn't break down sooner. I mean, usually I can cry at the tiniest thing...

Was this just "too big"???

Funny how I can "talk" about these fears/thoughts here, but I haven't talked about it to anyone at home.

Note from this respiratory therapist: Crying is hell on the airways, all sorts of swelling and whatnot. So you might think about some nice deep breathing exercises and maybe use a neti pot or other sinus cleansing method afterwards. Treat yourself to a facial.

Yeah I'm not looking forward to the physical after effects of crying.

I've been off the forums for a few weeks and just read what happened to Surfer Son! You must have been (and still be) so worried!!! I'm happy he's home safely now!

Big hugs (from across the ocean).

Thank you Candy

[Pedidoc]

I think I might need a "trigger", but a big part of me thinks "if my own son almost dying didn't trigger it, but a sappy movie does, what kind of a mother does that make me?? This is the same part of me that wonders WHY I didn't break down sooner. I mean, usually I can cry at the tiniest thing...)

I think as moms that when its something big with our kids we hold it together for so long that we need a "trigger" to make us let go. It's okay to cry over the "trigger" but we can't loose it with our kids. So no, it does NOT make you a bad mom!

[Greensprout]

I think I might need a "trigger", but a big part of me thinks "if my own son almost dying didn't trigger it, but a sappy movie does, what kind of a mother does that make me?? This is the same part of me that wonders WHY I didn't break down sooner. I mean, usually I can cry at the tiniest thing...

Was this just "too big"???

No, no, no.

Everybody else needed you to be strong, and take charge, and you stepped up. That's what moms do. And you did it well. Now that the worst is over, take the time to process it. As was already said, give yourself the time, and it will happen. You need this. Doesn't have to be a bawling, wailing event, but something to purge the held in emotions.

Funny how I can "talk" about these fears/thoughts here, but I haven't talked about it to anyone at home.

I wouldn't be surprised if your Farmer is going through the same things in his own head. Being stoic and in control cuz that's what dads are supposed to be like. If you open up to him, you may find it cathartic for the both of you. At a safe time and place, like cuddled up together alone. Scroll back up and re-read Pedidoc's prescription.

[winencandy]

ONE WEEK TOMORROW!!!!

Tuesday
I taught my Home Instruction Student this morning. How refreshing to teach someone who wants to learn! We are doing short stories and just finished "The Sniper".

I was finished at 11, so of course, I went into London to do some shopping 'cause I have a TRIP coming up!!

I bought 2 pairs of jeans, a pair of rubber shoes, (but I will probably return them), seriously looked at a better pair of Clarks waterproof shoes (not sure about the laces, on line I found these, that I might like better. Or even these, although they are not waterproof - yes, I have a shoe/boot"problem"), several kinds of nuts (I want to try the Caveman Crunch), some tea, more macadamia nut butter, some Lara Bars (for the trip), some MCT oil and digestive enzymes, some Salmon Oil for the Butterflies dry itchy skin, a between the legs memory foam pillow (for my back), some AG re:coil for my curls, umm, oh, yeah, a couple of dog toys

I think that's everything

I got home shortly after the rain started. Which changed to ice, and now it's windy with huge wet snowflakes. If I get a supply job tomorrow morning, I will decline.

Foods
Walnut Oil shot
Chai
A small wedge of double cream Brie from the grocery store and 2 cream cheese clouds (nibbled on through the afternoon)
a few pistachios, 3 Brazil nuts
sausage, hashbrowns, baked beans, fried mushrooms and 5 olives
Coconut heart

Another Sticker day!!

[winencandy]

Thank you ladies
I know you are right. It will happen. Soon. As soon as I give myself permission to.
I may need to be alone.

I mentioned last night to my Farmer that I might be ready to break down soon, to "deal" with it, and that if he was around I'd just need him to hold me. He said he's pretty much finished working through and dealing with it. (or something like that)

[Pedidoc]

I mentioned last night to my Farmer that I might be ready to break down soon, to "deal" with it, and that if he was around I'd just need him to hold me. He said he's pretty much finished working through and dealing with it. (or something like that)

Great! He's in the perfect place to hold you. MEN - they are sooooo clueless sometimes!

[winencandy]

Yes, they can be

[winencandy]

ONE WEEK FROM RIGHT NOW I WILL BE GETTING ON THE AIRPLANE!!!!!!

Wednesday
I packed this morning
Well, I practiced packing
All the "non clothing" stuff.

This afternoon I made Caveman Crunch
Before:

After:


I added pistachios and cranberries and I didn't have enough coconut, so it's a bit gooey.
ETA: I ALSO forgot the Almond meal...could really explain WHY it's gooey...
And sweet. I had about 1/2 cup. There's honey in it. Does that mean no sticker tonight???

Daughter and I went into London so she could get some things for the trip. I bought a cute summer dress The Velvet Burgundy one.

Foods
MCT oil shot (I tried it this morning)
Chai
small bowl of left over chili
about 1/2 cup of Caveman Crunch (still warm)
Wikki Hut chicken, green beans and mango (mall food)

No wine


I packed dark chocolate for Paris

[Pedidoc]

Sticker x 2!!!

[Pedidoc]

One last time and I'm not mentioned it again. You have got to let go before the trip or I'm afraid you will have a breakdown on the trip. Please listen, and deal with it.