Primal Journal - Owly page 15

[Owly]

Yeah, Crossfit is definitely expensive. I found it was worth it for me to learn to lift--I think I would have had trouble working up the nerve to do it solo--but at this point, I'm doing well solo (well, with my partner as a training buddy) and enjoying the freedom to focus on the stuff I want to work on instead of following the prescribed programming (even though the programming at my gym was really good). I'm finding my lifting is really improving now that it's my central focus and I'm not trying to save something in the tank for the metcon or recovering from Grace.

However, despite my gym having bumper plates and platforms, I'm not doing the big O-lifts right now. Cleans, yes, but not full snatches or clean and jerks. I will probably come back to them, but I'm sort of enjoying the kind of strong feeling that comes with hauling a heavy deadlift off the floor and feel like I really want to spend time on those core lifts for now.

I sort of get a laugh out of the difference between me and the guys I know who lift. Most of them have benched quite a bit and do really well at them, whereas the bench is probably my weakest lift at the moment (although it's improving rapidly). However, I rock the squats for form and the weight is going up nicely, while the two guys who are just joining us have never really squatted ever. I'm also nerdy about lifting and like to go out and find articles to read and videos to watch. Rippetoe has some good squat form vids on YouTube--they might be worth you checking them out.

Can you afford to get a trainer to work with you on lifts for a couple of sessions? You could work most of the time on your own but have a couple of learning sessions with someone who can help with form and stuff. You could probably do that cheaper than a CF membership. You could also see if the new box in your town offers an on-ramp course of some type and just take that. It tends to be cheaper than regular membership, and the whole point is to teach you the movements. You might consider just doing that without joining on an ongoing basis.

[Owly]

Today's workout: 500m row, back squats (week 3 of 531), leg curls 5x10@75 lbs (accessory exercise), 40 pushups.

Today's paleo track record: kind of a fail. Piece of leftover birthday cake, too many CheeCha Puffs (gluten free potato things). Oh well. The rest of my food was pretty on track. The cake was finished off by my partner's poker buddies tonight, and the CheeCha Puffs are now gone so I'm rid of them. Tomorrow is another day.

[Owly]

Last workout of 531 week 3 today. Week 4 is the deload week, very well timed considering Mark's post. The weights are laughable but I think it will feel good, even though it means that for my overhead press I will be using the fixed barbells because you can't put negative weights on the bar easily!

Sometimes being a woman lifting with a group of guys can be humbling. They warm up with my max working set on stuff like OH press. I need to remember that all 3 of them outweigh me by more than half my bodyweight. On upper body stuff especially, there's a big difference between a 150lb woman and a 235lb man.

Getting back to dairy-free paleo is tricky. I will do something like pour a coffee at work and put cream in it without thinking, or I ordered a greek saks the other night not thinking about the feta. However, even with those slips I find some of the puffiness I'd been noticing is going away. Dairy definitely needs to go back in the sometimes food column, rather than being a daily thing. I've kept my whey protein in for now, though. Otherwise I just don't make my protein amount for the day. My smoothie is something I can just drink at my desk in the morning without fuss. The issue seems to be more the lactose and maybe the casein, so quality whey seems to be ok.

[Owly]

Deload week makes me feel like a dork. The weights are super low and I feel like people must think I'm ridiculous. I know, you're not supposed to worry about what other people think, but a lot of dudes already pay a lot of attention to the woman in the squat rack, and my heavy lifts feel like a way to prove I belong there. If I'm clearly squatting more than I weigh, then I've got some gym cred. Doing chinups helps too.

We're starting to make friends with some of the gym folks, though, and I was laughing with a couple of the guys about deload week and how silly it feels. One of them was joking that a person should come in and pretend to be a clueless noob and then rope in some sucker to teach you form, and then do it perfectly to mess with his head. Sort of a gym version of pool sharking? Actually, talking to them about deloading was a way that I felt like I earned some belonging because it made it clear that I am planning and programming and know my shit.

Anyhow, I want a t-shirt that says "It's deload week" or something.

I've joined the Panda's Month of Resolve list to make me buckle down on the eating. Far too much dairy was creeping in and it was making me definitely bloaty (it doesn't help that my partner is doing GOMAD to put weight back on after he got so sick this summer). Too many gluten-free cookies and cakes sneaking in too. Just because it's celiac friendly doesn't mean it's *good* for me, just less bad, y'know?

[Owly]

I am starting to feel heartbroken by the number of women around here who seem to really, really hate their bodies. I have a history with an eating disorder and some major body image issues, and I wish I could go back and tell my younger self how beautiful she was and how amazing her body is and will continue to be.

I feel sad when I read that people who sound completely healthy and normal sigh that they can't possibly wear skinny jeans, or a bikini, or a short skirt, or whatever. How perfect do we demand our bodies become before we simply enjoy them? I don't have stick legs--my thighs measure 24" around at their widest point, my calves 15". I have a prominent squatter booty and have a hard time getting pants that fit both my legs/butt and my waist. But you know what? I only get one body in this life, and while I can work to make it the best, strongest, healthiest version of my body, I can't trade it in for a willowy ectomorph figure, so I'll embrace my strong shoulders and thick thighs, and dammit, I'm going to wear a bikini if I damn well feel like it.

I'm not saying I'm madly in love with my cellulite, but I don't think hating it is going to fix anything.

[marcadav]

I am starting to feel heartbroken by the number of women around here who seem to really, really hate their bodies. I have a history with an eating disorder and some major body image issues, and I wish I could go back and tell my younger self how beautiful she was and how amazing her body is and will continue to be.

I feel sad when I read that people who sound completely healthy and normal sigh that they can't possibly wear skinny jeans, or a bikini, or a short skirt, or whatever. How perfect do we demand our bodies become before we simply enjoy them? I don't have stick legs--my thighs measure 24" around at their widest point, my calves 15". I have a prominent squatter booty and have a hard time getting pants that fit both my legs/butt and my waist. But you know what? I only get one body in this life, and while I can work to make it the best, strongest, healthiest version of my body, I can't trade it in for a willowy ectomorph figure, so I'll embrace my strong shoulders and thick thighs, and dammit, I'm going to wear a bikini if I damn well feel like it.

I'm not saying I'm madly in love with my cellulite, but I don't think hating it is going to fix anything.

I totally agree. I too, thought I was fat/ugly/unworthy when I was younger. Now, I would never want to weigh what I weighed in college--107 lb, 5'6".

In addition, as someone with cerebral palsy and all that entails-- contractures at the wrist, very little use of one hand, negative flexibility in my ankle, calves and arms that quite different in size-- I want to scream when I hear, "my thighs are fat, I'll do anything to be thin and muscular."

My body is not "normal" by any standard. It has however served me well for almost 56 years. I given birth to 3 children, including a set of twins. I am healthier and more fit than many people I know. The list of positives that make up my life is endless.

Is there room for improvement? Absolutely yes, in ALL aspects of my life. I am simply not going to stress/obsess over the elusive/impossible "perfect body". I am going to focus on choices I can make on a daily basis that enhance my health and overall well being.

My body is what it is and will be what it will be. I am SO much more than the "shell" I inhabit.

[Owly]

Marcadav, that's awesome. I'm glad you can view your body with love and caring and make choices that centre on wellness instead of thinness.

[Owly]

Okay, going to say it here rather than elsewhere:

What the fuck does "the last 10 pounds" mean anyhow?

Is it the last 10 pounds before someone hits a healthy BMI?
Is it the last 10 pounds before you get to the weight you were in high school"
Maybe the last 10 before you hit 18 on a BMI chart?
The last 10 before that impossible weight some magazine told you all women should be?
The last 10 pounds of fat that keeps you menstruating?
Or maybe the last 10 pounds of essential body fat that's keeping you alive?

I have no goddamn clue. I feel like I lost my last 10 already (shifts in body comp aside), but I'm sure in some people's eyes around here my thighs are unacceptable and my 150 pounds makes me a whale.

The "last 10 pounds club" sounds to me like the "I will never be happy with my body no matter what the weight club" a lot of the time. Maybe not everyone who says they're at the last 10 is part of that group, but I feel like there are some people who can't be satisfied with anything ever, and it makes me unbelievably sad and frustrated.

[paleo-bunny]

I hear what you're saying. You sound seriously ripped to me, Owly. Grok on!

[Owly]

Ripped...LMAO! Maybe not so much ripped or shredded or whatever, but looking fit and strong and working on loving this body.