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Thread: LuJo's Journal - Got to get this right this time! page

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    LuJo's Journal - Got to get this right this time!

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    This journal has been started and deleted many times by me. Sometimes I have nothing to say and sometimes I say too much. I finally sit here this morning determined to post whatever this ends up looking like. My health and sanity depend on me not wasting any more time. Sure I could start eating primal without a journal, and I have many times. I just can't seem to make it stick. Despite all the benefits, despite how good I feel when doing it right. I always seem to fall back into a pit of despair and donuts. The other day Robb Wolf retweeted someone else's tweet about an article they were reading over breakfast. It was a research paper about acellular carbohydrates and its effects on obesity etc. After having to look up a few terms for clarification, darn scientists and their big words, I had this sensation come over me of "What the hell am I doing?'. I have read and read and read all sorts of materials. I know what I need to do. Why is it taking me so long to even get started? So today is the day I am starting. Step one is to write this journal and tell the universe what I am doing.

    A little about my history. I am about 130-150 pounds overweight. There I said it. The big ugly truth. A few years back I lost over 100 pounds doing a meal replacement diet. It worked wonders for the weight loss but I always had this nagging fear that I wasn't really learning anything. How can you learn not to eat brownie's for breakfast if you are eating medifast brownie's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? As I suspected as soon as I started allowing regular food back into my life I put all the weight back on. Sure I have been up and down a few times since then but the steady trend has been going up and I am right now back where I started at 285 pounds.

    Last year I did a whole 30 for Lent. It was wonderful. I felt awesome, better than I had in years even when I had lost all that weight before. My energy was up and life was good. I was losing weight but after that first strict month it slowed down. I was okay with that because life was good. Then I went on vacation and everything fell apart. Things started good but by the end it was not great. For example on the 12 hour car ride to vacation we had nuts, fruit, and grass fed beef sticks for car snacks. By the time we headed home a week later, after a week of eating whatever other people served us, our snacks looked very different. Fritos, candy, and we even stopped for ice cream at a gas station. I kept telling myself it would be okay, that we would get right back on the horse once we were home. We did have several false starts. I don't even know at this point how many times I started over again and again and again.

    At some point I just stopped trying. Now here I am staring down the approach of that same vacation and I realize it has been almost a year of shameful eating. And I do mean shame. Food no longer brings me joy, I don't love it. I hate it and I hate myself for eating it. Some days it feels like I am punishing myself for being fat by eating foods I know are making me sicker. Well no more, dammit! Enough being angry at myself. If I am ever going to move past this I need to forgive and move on. Today is that day.

    So I ended up over sharing a bit. I was afraid of that when I started which is why I have started and deleted this post so many times in the past. Not today though. Enough is enough.

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    Would you believe I walked into my kitchen this morning to find pancakes for breakfast?! Pancakes! The good news is I did not eat them. There was also some sausage and some leftover beets and onions so I ate that with some cantaloupe. I packed myself a lunch of leftover GF pasta with meatballs in a tomato sauce, a small side salad with olive oil and vinegar for dressing and a pear. I debated whether to bring the GF pasta but I was packing lunch from leftovers and decided to finish it off. I won't buy more for a while. My family has asked if we can still have GF pasta occasionally and I said sure but no more than once a week. I am now seriously doubting my decision. perhaps I will just eat the meatballs and skip the GF pasta.

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    Just when I get settled at the office this morning the school calls. My 13 year old got in trouble and is being suspended for the day. Just great. So I go pick him up, do the parent conference with the VP and the school police officer. He is so grounded. Right now I left him with my uncle so I could go back to work. This kid is always in trouble. I have tried so many different types of discipline and now it is in the courts hands. If he doesn't get his act together I fear for his future. He is one of the biggest stresses in my life. A child who always makes the wrong choice is so hard. I basically cry myself to sleep once a week over this kid. I love him so much and he is giving me an ulcer. The reason I mention this here is because normally a morning like this would send me straight to the drive thru for deep fried punishment/forgiveness since I can't seem to be the right kind of parent for this child. Today though I shut down that line of thought and now I am eating my salad. I feel better for not giving in to my usual negative reaction.

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    The second half of my day went well at work. I saved the pear I brought for lunch and ate it a couple hours later. By the time I got home supper was ready but I wasn't hungry yet. Just relaxed and talked with the family for a bit before eating. It was a yummy chicken stew with tons of big chunks of carrot. I love carrots. I packed some leftovers for lunch tomorrow and I am good to go. My son who got in so much trouble earlier had swept and mopped the downstairs floors for me and he really did a good job. It's so nice when he doesn't fight me about everything. After dinner we watched last nights American Idol. After this post I might poke around on here a bit more then it is off to bed for me. So far I feel pretty good.

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    Why is it taking me so long to even get started? So today is the day I am starting. Step one is to write this journal and tell the universe what I am doing.
    You are underway! Just keep going now that you've started. My pet theme is don't skimp on exercise. With all the weight you have to shed, you probably can't do much at one time without running out of gas. That's ok, just be sure you are doing something. I'm a big fan of getting out the door and walking. You can start easy and gradually build up your time/distance/speed.

    Your son sounds like a major stress generator. I have no great ideas for you, we struggled unsuccessfully with one of our 4 in a similar fashion.

    He's old enough and hopefully bright enough to have some appreciation for what he's doing and what kind of problems he may be generating for himself as he moves forward, particularly if he's getting into legal trouble. Perhaps an older male family figure can talk to him. Or perhaps you can find an older teen/early 20's guy who can give him some first hand "been there/done that" experiences? If you are a church goer, explore what resources they may have available for helping him, you may be surprised what they have available.
    The Buck stops here. I am responsible for my past and my future. So for today: I choose to be happy. I will seek wisdom. I will be a servant to others. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.

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    Thanks for the encouragement Rig D. My son is behaving much better today but that is normal for him to completely blow out then regret his actions. Today I am calling a therapist we have used before with some success.

    So I jumped in yesterday with no pre-planning. That meant no shopping and getting by with what's left in the fridge till this weekend. Lunch today will be leftovers from last night but breakfast this morning was interesting. My mother who lives with us usually gets up and makes breakfast while I am getting me and the kids ready for work. It is a huge help and time-saver for me but it can be a problem because I grow dependent. Every once in a while she just doesn't do it. Today was one of those days. Because I had done no advance prep for this that means there are no breakfast muffins in the freezer, no sweet potato hash to throw an egg on, no boiled eggs, and no Larabars in the cupboard. So there I was running late as usual with nothing to eat for myself or my kids. For the kids it is not the end of the world. If they get to school on time they can eat breakfast there. Not the best choice but they won't starve in a pinch. So really I just needed to feed myself. With nothing grab and go in sight I stopped at a dollar store on the way to the office and grabbed a bag of nuts and jerky. Not great. Tomorrow I will do my weekly shopping and get some higher quality emergency food. Today I am just happy to not be eating pop-tarts.

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    Sounds like you are on the right track! I know that it's really tough without the proper pre-planning, but the nuts and jerky were a good choice in a pinch =)

    I'll be following along!

    Sent from my VS985 4G using Marks Daily Apple Forum mobile app
    "Locked up inside you like the calm beneath castles is a cavern of treasures that no one has been to....let's go digging" ~ Maynard James Keenan

    I am Angela, Southern Fried Primal... http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106998.html

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    Sounds like a great start, lujo! I agree that nuts and jerky were a darn good choice in a pinch! There were a lot of worse choices there for sure. Also, kudos for not going down the fast food fried punishment! good job! I will second getting out for even a 10 minute walk if you can during your day (maybe at break at work?). It really helps me keep focused and on track to move during the day, and it doesn't have to be much: down the hall and back, around the block, whatever works.

    I'll try to follow along and cheer you on, cause you can do this

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    Thanks for the encouragement folks. I was able to get to the store today and I picked up some packs of salami to have on hand and some Larabars. I will boil some eggs too tonight. This morning my daughter is making her first communion along with my niece and nephew. Both of my sisters had babies about six month's after Sara was born so all three of them are in the same class and this will be one of many group milestones. Afterwards we are having a big party at my house. Lots of prep to handle last minute this morning. We are doing a Mexican theme for food. Plenty of good choices there so I am not worrying about that. Just stressing over the prep though and getting everyone to church on time.

    Yesterday I ate a few things I probably shouldn't but did my best and that's all I can do. Had dinner at my sisters house. It was a birthday party for my nephew so the usual junk was about. I did eat a nice homemade coleslaw and potato salad. Hot dogs or brats were the main course. I ate the hot dogs because the brats were a bit undercooked for my taste. Undercooked sausage is one thing I cannot eat.

    I need to get back to the store for some more supplies for the week later today or tomorrow. Yesterday I mostly bought stuff for the party. No room in the fridge for every day stuff until the party is over. I mentioned the salami packs I bought. At my store there is the fancy meat and cheese section by the deli. Well they always have this spot off to the side where they have stuff that is marked down. Who doesn't love discount fancy cheese? Well in addition to the fancy salamis, I scored some Kerry Gold butter this week with garlic and herbs seasoning. Oh man, I threw a stick of that in a pan at breakfast with a bunch of vegetables. Talk about delicious, and with the markdown it came out to less than $5 for a pound of KG butter. Loved it.

    I have finished my first cup of coffee for the day and it is time to get started. I have vegetables to chop before church today.

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    What a weekend. The party after the first communion yesterday lasted longer than expected. It was lots of fun. Going in to it I was worried because I knew I was drinking wine and was a little worried I would make poor food choices. I did pretty good though. No cake which is a miracle because my aunt makes cakes that are to die for. Actually I was so busy I almost forgot to eat. I had a small plate with everyone else but it was after most of the people left that I finally made myself a full plate to eat. We had tacos which is always a hit. I made myself a big taco salad. Even the appetizers were chips with salsa and guacamole. For the main course we had either shredded pork or ground beef with lots of toppings. We as usual ended up putting away almost as much food as was eaten. We always make way too much. It was great fun though and the kids had a blast. It is taking me a bit of effort to get out of bed this morning. Now it is time to wake the kids.

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