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Thread: Respawn. Now with humor (maybe)! page

  1. #1
    ampespidi's Avatar
    ampespidi is offline Senior Member
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    Respawn. Now with humor (maybe)!

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    Over the weekend I had paella at a fancy-ish restaurant. I decided to treat my night roommate (boyfriend) to a "nice" meal, seeing as how for the next 5 weeks I'll be working through hellish hours and I'll have two collective days off, one of which is still TBD. I told him to "look pretty" and that "sugar mama" would take care of everything. I ate a roll of bread. It was decent - if I'm going to willingly eat gluten (once, perhaps twice a year), it'd better be worth it, dammit. It kind of was...not. Cystic acne breakout and bloating that continues. Oh wait, it's not bloating right now so much as it is fat. I decided to take one of the delectable looking prawns by my hands (I'm classy) and rip the thing out of its tail shell with my teeth. I simultaneously sprayed shellfish juice and sauce all over the linen napkin, on my dress and in my eye while somehow lodging (stabbing?) part of the shell into my finger and bled a little. You can't take me anywhere.

    My habits have changed over the past few years - there's no doubt about that. I really don't eat gluten (the above was a rare occurrence and reminds me that I'm basically an idiot that will never learn). I no longer drink soda, but I AM addicted to sparkling mineral water. Give me some Gerolsteiner, Mountain Valley, Perrier, San Pellegrino - heck, even Trader Joe's and I'm a happy camper. Drinking regular, flat, BORING water is like forcing myself to drink clam juice. Unless it's hot. It's hot a lot lately. Hey, that rhymes! I'm kind of a camel when it comes to water. I don't get *really* thirsty all that often. I'm a desk jockey, after all. Forcing myself to drink fluids is the WORST. What else have I changed...I no longer subsist on pasta. When I go out to eat, I'm acutely aware of when I'm paying $15 for $2 worth of vegetables and grain. If I'm going to overpay, give me the money food. Protein, baby. And not TVP, tofu, quinoa, peas, and a few nuts masquerading as "high protein." When will people learn?! I don't binge on candy (usually) anymore. I do consume a lot of dark chocolate. And wine. Sometimes bourbon.

    Being on the wagon is a good thing. Wagons take you places. Though now it should probably be cars. Electric cars? I've fallen off the electric car. Hey, sometimes you just want to stay in one place for a while. Sometimes the electric car runs out of juice and there just aren't any stations nearby to recharge. It's where I've felt I've been. Stuck in some weird universe where I don't eat complete crap anymore, but where I gained weight back. Seems pretty cruel. I love eating fat. I really do. I love eating protein. I really do. But, I love me some carbs. I really do. Potatoes and white rice in particular. And plantains! Yes, those lovely plantains. These are not evil things. I wish I really could subsist on the LFHC diet. But I can't. I feel way worse than on a HFLC diet. Damn the delicious combinations of HFHC!

    I get burned out. I've been reading labels since I was in kindergarten. I've HAD to for allergies before people gave a shit about allergies. These kids today have it easy! Allergic to peanuts? No worries, the school has banned them. Allergic to artificial food coloring and raised in an age where it's in everything? Tough shit, my friend. It's fine. No, really. It's just, after having read SO MUCH and done a lot of experimentation on myself and not exactly getting to where I want to go...I get demotivated. Can I just not think about every piece of food I put in my mouth? Pretty sure it didn't used to be that way. You were just concerned with getting ANY food in your mouth not so very long ago - putting food on the table. That's probably worse in a lot of ways. Information overload comes with its own set of problems, though. My habits have changed, yes. For the better, yes. But...I'm still fat and frustrated. I know it's a lifestyle thing. I know it's an emotional thing. I know it's a mental block. The lifestyle shows no signs of changing. It is easy to tell someone to just "change careers" - the reality of that is accruing more debt, taking a huge huge paycut, possibly going back to school (debt!) and starting from the bottom yet again. I picked this stupid path, but I'm too far in to call it quits. It might kill me, but honestly, starting over might kill me faster. I don't have the wherewithal. Doctors that tell me I need a new job...they can suck it. Next time I hear it I'm going to say, "Are you going to pay my bills then?" I just hate platitudes.

    Generally, I can figure things out for myself, and experience has shown me that I figure it out in a way that works for me. People mean well, but boy do they just completely miss the mark with my life and my personality. Staying "positive" does not work for me. It actually makes me angry as I view it as lying to myself. I like to know where I stand, even if it's neck deep in shit. That way I can prepare for the worst and then hope for the best. Formulate a plan. I still turn to food when I'm bored. I genuinely get hungrier when I'm bored. Sometimes when you're between jobs (yay freelancing - and trust me it's better than a steady job in this business) and you're short on cash...food just comes up more often. Between jobs I'm usually exhausted. Probably a mental thing after so many years, but if I have a chunk of time off...here's how it goes. First month. I'm sleeping. A lot. All the time, really. I can't get enough sleep. I do maybe one thing a day and suddenly it's 9pm. Second month. I take care of the things I had no time to take care of while I was working. Also, I sleep. A lot. Third month. I'm finally feeling rested now. I feel like going out and doing things! Being outdoors! Dating! Seeing my friends! Learning new things! Oh wait...about a week into month three is when I get a call for a job that I really just need to take. So I get a week of fun and life before I'm back to the grindstone. It's like this every time. I've seen the patterns. Once I had four months off. I traveled for a month, slept for a month, did chores for a month and had fun for a month. That's been the best run I've ever had in my entire life and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. Like...I think about my life and I determine that once I had four good months and the rest has been pretty shitty. And...it's not really an exaggeration. I disappoint myself with my life. Oh well.

    My job has finally changed. I went through a transitional year (stressful in a different way than the previous year) where I was trying to break away from reality television and get into scripted/episodic. Guess what, bitches. I did it. Now I'm just trying to stay IN it. The job isn't so bad anymore. I don't completely hate going to work. Except the traffic. The TRAFFIC. I am not good at dealing. I live 16 miles from work right now. I am spending 2-3 hours in the car with the commute every day. I'm listening to audio books. I'm trying to make it better. It's not. My back takes the brunt. I have the most ergonomic station I've ever had because they actually care. But sitting in that car for that long basically negates everything. Just finally invested in an inversion table. Arrives this week. I'm excited. Or as excited as you can be about an inversion table. That's probably on the same level as "I'm excited that I get to sleep a full eight hours" for new parents. That kind of excitement. Not like the day where I jumped 40 stories in the middle of a canyon in the morning and then tumbled 12,000 feet that afternoon kind of excitement.

    Let's recap the constant pain I'm in - herniated discs in low back. I am repeatedly told by varying "authorities" I have a high pain tolerance. This is based on me refusing surgery, and their refusal to give me drugs twice a year when things get bad. They've got an MRI in front of them and still think I'm pill chasing. Lovely to be treated like a drug addict, let me tell you. I've got muscle strain in my neck from a car accident in which I was a passenger and it was not our fault. Insurance companies suck, by the way. I've got horrible TMJD. I'm constantly tense (yes, I've tried many many many things). IBS. Insanely sensitive skin. Clothes that are tight (guess whose fault THAT is - that's right...the dryer's...right?). I'm taking care of a couple of these things...the rest are an ongoing battle. I'm basically 80, but I'm 29. I've been having issues since I was 14. I can commiserate with old people quite well, and now that my peers are starting to have some of the same issues and turning to surgery ASAP instead of making lifestyle changes (god I hate those!)...well...I don't have a ton of sympathy, since they had/have none for me.

    Well, I know that diet is playing a part in some of these flare ups. Time to find my motivation. My best motivation is chronic/constant pain. Let's see how stubborn I am this time. 12+ hour work days? Traffic? No time to sleep properly (did I ever, really)? Can I make more long term changes? Let's find out. Let's get crafty. But can I take a five hour nap first?
    Last edited by ampespidi; 03-25-2015 at 01:37 PM.
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

  2. #2
    ampespidi's Avatar
    ampespidi is offline Senior Member
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    Deadlines.

    When handed to me by others, I do whatever it takes to get. that. shit. done. When I give them to myself...well, things just don't really go as "planned." When I initially moved into television, I gave myself a year to get into scripted/episodic television. Some people luck into it. Most people are just friends and relatives. It wound up taking me 2.5 years. Or thereabouts. And that was just to transition. I still have to concern myself with new jobs pretty often.

    So why in the hell did I expect myself to meet a deadline on something I'd never actually done before? I think when it comes to weight loss, we're all just so eager to see it happen, we become obsessed with it. We're constantly monitoring it. When we gain weight, we (I) deny it. We ignore it. It's harder to see that it actually crept up than just whooshed in overnight. Though, sometimes it really has happened that way...

    I gave myself a year to reach a goal weight. A weight I had never been at my entire adult life - a weight that I only came remotely close to in starving myself (with a dose of CW) years ago. And I was still skinny fat. I had given myself a year to lose the fat (based on my astounding calculations, right?!). Sigh. What the hell was I thinking. Instead, I made it to a point where I was more comfortable in my own skin. I stayed there for a while, just "hanging out." Not worrying too much. But then...it slowly started coming back. Starch is a hard beast to kick. It gives me a satisfied feeling that protein/fat/veg never does. Sugar is even worse. The stuff is far more addictive than I gave it credit for. Being stressed out over the past year probably didn't help. I didn't want to think about my food so much. Well, consequences.

    I question whether or not I'll ever reach my goals. I figure to lose the amount of body fat I need to lose, it'd put me around 145 lbs. Maybe a little less. Okay. There's a goal. I won't really care what I weigh if my body fat is down. It was just a number to put ahead of me. I've obviously set myself back many months. I am realizing my pitfalls and how much emotion plays a role. My willpower has been so low. I can accomplish many goals, and for some reason...being not fat (or chubby, or whatever) is something I haven't figured out. I've done the research. I know why I should pick things over others. But still...I make bad choices. There are some deep seated issues!

    Based on other seemingly impossible goals I've set for myself...one thing stands out - I never give myself enough time. It happens, but it takes a while. Okay. No more deadlines. I still have goals. Right now it's - don't gain any more. Try to start going in reverse again. No numbers for now. Just focus on how your clothes are feeling and draping. I just want to feel good in my clothes again right now. The scale can weight (get it? eh? EH?).
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

  3. #3
    ampespidi's Avatar
    ampespidi is offline Senior Member
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    Sugar.

    The demonic, legal, perfectly acceptable addiction. No social repercussions (aside from just getting fat, I guess - but it's eating fat that caused all that...so they say) or sugar-rehab...hey, it's used for energy, I'm sure. Right? Sugar is hard for me to kick. Reducing starches can be tough for me at times, but if I'm able to make it a week, it gets infinitely easier. But the cocaine of the food world? It's an uphill battle. All. The. Time.

    There's no guzzling of soda. There's no eating cupcakes or cotton candy. It's the honey in my tea, the lure of the dark chocolate peanut butter cup...seemingly innocuous upon first glance. "Moderation!" they all cry. Frankly, this is one time I want the world to bend to me (a trend I've noticed that most people expect all the time always). I don't want the temptation around - EVER. If it's not around, I can't eat it. I don't REALLY have a problem with honey in some of my tea - but it's the inevitable cravings that it triggers. The peanut butter cups just sit at the office. Beckoning. I have 90% chocolate sitting RIGHT HERE, and I still choose poorly. It's the rush. The feeling that in this moment....it'll be okay. That lasts a nanosecond before I realize what I've done. It's like I blackout and don't even know what I just did.

    Stupid sugar. Please leave my world. Or stick to things that taste like suffering - Raisinets and Milk Duds. No one will eat those, but I can still offer them to my worst enemies.
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

  4. #4
    ampespidi's Avatar
    ampespidi is offline Senior Member
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    Stress.

    As most of us here know, some stress is a good thing. Chronic stress is a bad, bad, bad thing. I've gained weight. I've eaten with wanton abandon. While being about 50/50 Primal, I've just eaten too much sugar and too many overall calories.

    I am a stress eater. Work stress in particular seems to just make me reach for food. Working 60-100 hrs/week takes its toll. Eating after 8 takes its toll. I am not sure when, if ever, I will be able to truly understand that I am NOT A PERSON WHO CAN EAT ANYTHING and remain at a healthy weight. Primal has taught me many things, but I guess what I haven't truly learned is how to combat and finally conquer stress and boredom eating. Well, considering I've been wearing stretchy dresses and yoga pants exclusively, I finally stepped on the scale, got scared, and have started to really crack down on things.

    The problem is I'm hungry, and I have to psychologically battle it, because I don't think the hunger is justified - I think it's because I'm unemployed again and as a result I have limited options as to what I can do right now. More to the point, I'm completely demotivated (this always happens after I finish a job - for about a month), so I just want to lounge around, sleep and eat. Well. I am restricting my caloric intake and my carb intake - looking back at 2013 (my big year for weight loss), this is how I accomplished it. I couldn't merely eat until I was full - I really did have to restrict things a LOT. And it was still slow going loss. I guess this is just the way my body is. And it's disappointing that in finding Primal/Paleo (which I am truly grateful for), it's still a much more complicated journey than I ever wanted it to be. I believe in Primal/Paleo, really I do, I think it's best for overall health, but obviously my fat ass needs a lot more fine tuning. I don't think I can eat carbs and good fats together, as it triggers binge eating for me. Giving up sugar is paramount to my success. Rice may have to be reserved only before big workouts, and in a low fat day only. Hello, sushi! But not right now. Right now I need to really restrict things and go low carb, and pretty low calorie. I need to dump any water I've been retaining, eat out as little as possible and WATCH MY DAMN PORTIONS. It's a little CW, but in my n=1, I think caloric intake/expenditure controls the majority of absolute weight. However, I feel this formula falls VERY short once you get within about 20 lbs of your "ideal" weight. I believe macronutrient ratios control body composition - however it may be for you. LFHC, HFLC, MFLC...etc, etc, etc.

    Fortunately, I have a nice boyfriend who is pretty understanding. I haven't told him of me wanting to lose weight specifically, mostly because that sounds like a very cliche thing to complain about. I've only expressed wanting to eat "clean" - and he has expressed the same thing...so when we eat together I really just need to watch my portions and try not to eat after 8 anymore. Work was dictating that schedule, but this is my chance to reset the clock. For both $$ reasons and goal reasons (that I'm keeping to myself aside from this site), I am going to start rescheduling what I do when I hang out with friends. I have a dinner with a friend that I need to reschedule anyway, so I'm going to suggest we go for coffee instead. I want to stay away from milk (even whole milk), so no more lattes for right now. I'll do tea, since I really can't do black coffee. It'll save me the $$, and I can control my diet better this way.

    I have a bunch of frozen paleo meals that I am starting to go through. They are portioned out 5oz protein, 7oz veggies, and are between 300-500 cals per meal. Carbs I have to estimate myself, but it helps with portion. I'm cutting back on my fats - I'm trying to use only a true TBSP of butter when I cook a meal, or just 1 TBSP of primal mayo and so on. Though I think fat is good, it still is calorically dense.

    Primal still has never gotten me as low as CW did - and honestly, I'm not sure my body composition was very different. I'm not really sure what that means. My stomach has been paunchy even at my lowest ever weight (which I believe was 150 back in 2006), so while I have a ways to go AGAIN (way to throw any and all work and credibility down the f*cking toilet) to get back to even 170, I'm truly wondering what my magic formula is to get that flat belly I've never had and always wanted. If anyone out there really knows (women specific), boy I'd love to know! Currently reading Paleo Weight Loss for Women to see if there's any insight.

    Okay, this little piggy is done ranting...I guess.
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

  5. #5
    lujo238's Avatar
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    I can certainly relate to a lot of what you are dealing with here. Deadlines can be self defeating. Asking yourself to lose a certain number of pounds by a certain date is very difficult to pull off as we almost always ask for too much. An easier way to approach these goals is to keep them do or don't specific and not attaching a result to your expectations. For example you could go gluten/sugar free for one month. The goals are specific but the results are fluid. Also saying I will walk for 10 minutes of my lunch every day this month is a good one. At the end of the month you'll feel better even if you only managed to do it 80% of the time. Sugar is a really really hard thing to give up. It is something that I struggle with all the time.

    One thought I have had while reading your journal is I wonder how you would like a whole 30. It is strict which gives it lots of structure. It is simple which makes it easy to decide what to eat. Can I eat this cookie? Uh no. Simple. Also there is no weighing or measuring but it gives good samples of portion sizes to help you keep things in control. After the first week or so it really does get much easier.

    Not sure what to say about the fats as they always helped me but just keep trying to figure out what works for you. Different people do better on different combinations. I always did really well with a higher carb breakfast so I often eat potatoes at breakfast.

    Boredom is a big problem for emotional eaters. There are times I wish for someone local I could talk to, go for a walk with, heck I would even consider therapy. That is one reason I am logged on here several times a day. If I have 5 minutes to think about it I am likely to make a bad choice. Weekends are hardest because I am not near my computer most of the day.

    I really wish you best of luck and hope you figure out what works for you.

  6. #6
    ampespidi's Avatar
    ampespidi is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks, lujo! Appreciate the support. I do like the idea of the month long goal. I did a completely sugar free month once upon a time (though I went to extremes and excluded all fruit). I made it, and that's when I really saw the loss accelerate. I'm gluten free 99% of the time (unless I unknowingly ingest it) - it has just not become at all worth it for the terrible cystic acne and gastric distress it causes me. Sugar is tough, and I'm reducing it as much as possible right now - I've allowed for 3 squares of 90% dark for this week. I think perhaps after next weekend I can start a sugar-free month.

    I have a baby elliptical machine (feet only), so if I'm watching Netflix or reading, I'm trying to at least sit and pedal, and then I'll carefully stand on it with support and do that for 5-10 minutes. It keeps some sort of movement going in an otherwise sedentary day. Perhaps I can set a goal like going to a park and walking for 30-60 minutes on any day where I don't have too much to do.

    I tried a Whole 30 back last September and made it about half way through. For whatever reason completely eliminating dairy made my hormones go crazy. I was having giant mood swings and felt terrible. Could have been the interaction with birth control, but also I didn't see any changes, even in the 15 days. Perhaps I'll give it another go at some point, but I know it also made me crazy with checking to see if every tiny thing had xanthan gum in it. It made me a little food crazy.

    Fats do help me, but I seem to be pretty calorically sensitive. Upping my physical activity will help with that for sure, but...baby steps! Boredom is a huge issue for me - it's odd because even if I am busy doing things...I'll still want food. This is, of course, far worse when I'm working, but right now I've just taken to not buying any more "snack" foods. Nut butters are kryptonite, as is cheese. I think giving up dairy again might be worth a go - just not butter. I love me my fatty, calorically dense foods, clearly! Eventually I'll reincorporate carrots and guacamole - but right now the carbs would interfere with my starting goals. I'm not going to put a deadline on things...I'm glad to be re-motivated, albeit clueless as to how to really make this stick and get the health and body I've always wanted. They go hand in hand, so I think it's a fair goal.

    I should come on here more often! I hope your journey goes more smoothly than my own! Grok on.
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

  7. #7
    ampespidi's Avatar
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    Exercise.

    Okay. Admittedly, this is probably the key to unlocking what I want. When I lost weight in a somewhat CW fashion years ago (though I think I was eating maybe 500 calories a day, which even CW doesn't advocate) - I was hitting the elliptical and doing 30-60 minutes on that per day. I did a few weight machines, but nothing crazy. That, in combination with my ultra low calorie diet is probably what got me down to my lowest adult (albeit flabby) weight - 150. Since that time, I graduated college where I did way more walking and biking, in addition to dancing and fencing. After moving to Los Angeles and embarking on my "career" in the "biz" I was still getting physical exercise being a PA. Running around, lifting things...and then...as soon as I was promoted to more of a sitting job, things slid downhill FAST.

    Now, my starvation diet was bad. No doubt about that. My post-starvation diet in college wasn't great (a decent amount of alcohol and eating out). My Los Angeles diet was downright terrible. And still, I was able to stay skinny-fat by moving. Once I stopped moving, the diet caught up to me. What does this tell me? Not that it negates all the effects of a bad diet, but it really is a key that I've been...refusing (?) to acknowledge. Maybe refusing is the wrong term. My constant exhaustion makes me tired a lot. Even when I was "working out" every day, I never felt invigorated from a workout. I never found more energy. So, it is tough for me to "work out." I hate gyms, and all the ones near me are disgusting and expensive. What's a girl to do...

    As Lujo had suggested...little goals. I downloaded a free pedometer on my iphone (when I am ever really without that thing?), and after a not great day I took a walk. I'm still in treatment for neck strain from a car accident in which I was a passenger and was not our fault, and the insurance company tried to close my claim with 3 hours notice and then had the gall to tell me I should be "healed" by now without medical attention. Nice. I told them I'll trust a medical doctor over an insurance company regarding a NECK INJURY. They claim they won't reimburse me fully now, so sounds like it's time to hire a lawyer to write a strongly worded letter when I am done with treatment. Then my landlord was arguing about my water pressure - of which there isn't much in the shower and plenty in the sink, and not in the kitchen...and suddenly it must be my newer shower head. Okay. No. He'll replace the old shower head to see if it works better, but I may be stuck with crappy water pressure.

    Anyway, I drove to nearby lake and took a nice long walk (about an hour) and got over 6000 steps in today. That's a lot for someone like me, who is technically a desk jockey and on a great day gets 4000 steps. Small goals. I set a goal to get 6000 four times a week and 10000 steps once a week. I feel like it's doable. I think even pedaling on my baby elliptical can't hurt. It's not going to move me in the same way or burn as many calories...but it's something. It's movement. And that's the goal. Move more! Any way I can, as much as I can tolerate.

    I've done very well with eating - yesterday I made dinner for me and the boyfriend. Chicken breasts baked in a near-Primal garlic sauce. The only ingredient that was questionable was corn starch, but I took the hit for the flavor and ease. I sauteed mushrooms in butter and lemon juice with shallots until they were nice and brown and put that on top of the chicken along with scallions. Side of haricot vert tossed with 50/50 butter and some truffle butter. It is pricey, but so worth it for veggies. I use regular butter to make it go further. A delicious dinner, and filling to boot. I've been making tuna salads - a can of unsalted albacore packed in water, some Primal mayo (worth every penny), chopped olives, pico de gallo, and hot sauce. Mix together and enjoy. Pretty good meal. Eggs cooked in coconut oil or butter (making sure to measure how much fat I'm using). I'm using up the last of some cheese I have - all that's left is smoked gouda slices. It's good over eggs, but I think I'll stop buying cheese for a while unless I'm using it for a specific recipe. The boyfriend thinks he will always crave pizza and donuts forever - and maybe he's right...but maybe I can ease that by making us meatza on occasion and even "paleo" donuts. I found a couple recipes that are easy and not terrible in my opinion. Hoping that maybe making these couple treats once in a while, he'll be satisfied with those and I can encourage him not to return to old habits. It's more that I know he's proud of having lost weight in the past and basically, I'd hate for him to have to feel like he failed and start all over again. Plus, I just think it's better for us both to eat this way. We disagree about certain things, but we're mostly on the same page.

    This weekend I'm being dragged to a wedding where I have the pleasure of meeting like...50 of his relatives. There is no doubt in my mind I will be drinking at some point. Obviously I don't want to undo what I have done, so hopefully I am a lightweight and can keep it to a few glasses of wine/champagne. The food will be...who knows. We're going to the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, and based on other weddings I've been to, there's not much for me to eat. Mostly I'm concerned with either my articial food dye allergy, or my gluten intolerance - and that excludes 90% of food most people serve. Hopefully I can find some meat and vegetables and be happy with that. Perhaps I should pack a few snacks for myself just in case. Lots of traveling this weekend, as I'm also headed to see The Rolling Stones (bucket list item!) and I'm pretty stoked for it. I'll probably be walking a lot, even in between flights and car rides. We'll see how my steps measure up.

    I'm also thinking of getting some real weights for home use. Basically as much as I can lift - no dinky 5 lb ones here. Maybe at least 20 lbs. Then I can go outside, walk a lot - maybe start sprinting again, come home and do some weights and pedal on the elliptical. Trust me, this won't be overdoing it...it'll allow me to move slowly a lot throughout the day, and then I can build some muscle with those weights and bodyweight exercises. Baby steps. Small goals. I'll just try to continue my slow movement for now.
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

  8. #8
    ampespidi's Avatar
    ampespidi is offline Senior Member
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    Hormones.

    I'll be candid here. The past few months were rough for me, hormonally. I have been on Depo for a while (on and off since teenage years), and this past shot I have had tender breasts and had spotting/light flow for 6 weeks. Eek. I got my last shot during a stressful time. Well, thought about the Mirena. See, BC pills aren't a good option for me - a) I'm allergic to 90% of the pills on the market (artificial food coloring in the active pills - woot woot), b) a bad experience as a teenager with Lo/Ovral (a supposed low dose BC pill) had me violently vomiting every day...thus also rendering the pill ineffective. Couple these things with the fact that I have IBS-D which ALSO can render the pill ineffective...and my constantly fluctuating work/sleep schedule...it's just probably not the best option for me. I'd be willing to try one of the few brands I CAN try, but allowing 3 months to "adjust" just isn't feasible right now.

    Tried the ring years ago and hated it. The patch increases issues of dysmennorhea (something I have struggled with since my second ever period). Turns out OB/GYNs don't really prescribe the ring and patch anymore. Yay! I guess...well, after meeting about the Mirena, the doctor assured me we could get it all "figured out" within my next shot window. WELL. I've had to visit 4 doctors in the past month alone to get freaking answers. One abnormal pap, 2 OB/GYNs, and 2 PCPs later...I have a Mirena sitting in the first OB/GYN's office, and I just got another Depo shot instead. The first OB/GYN who said it could all get "figured" out went out of town without telling me. Considering his office is 40 min-1 hr away, I couldn't just "go" on a work day when he got back. I had second thoughts about Mirena. I like the low dosage of hormones and it being directly in the reproductive system, but I don't know if I can live with the risks of perforation. I know the risk is "small" but jesus, with my luck...it'd be me. And when it seems to go wrong, it seems to go REALLY wrong. I need more time to think it over. The doctors seem unconcerned with the abnormal pap at this point since I am not high risk and had a minor bacterial infection at the time which could cause those results. I got a negative blood pregnancy test, in addition to the many urine tests I took at home which were all negative (I thought I was losing my mind) - so I decided to get another Depo shot for now. It's the devil I know vs the devil I don't know, unfortunately. Now, I am grateful for Depo for allowing me to live normally - otherwise I'd been in extreme pain for 3 weeks out of every month.

    No one had ever suggested endometriosis or cysts...so now tomorrow I'm getting an ultrasound AND a bone density test to see how Depo is slowing killing me or is helping suppress symptoms. They don't expect to find anything with the ultrasound, and with my luck...they won't. I'm a medical oddity. I often have things that mimic other things that turn out NOT to be those things...and then eventually the problem goes away with time. I think my bone density is probably okay - I fell earlier this year and struck my elbow quite hard - no fractures. My teeth are in great shape.

    So really, my options for birth control and keeping my dysmennorhea in check are Depo, IUD or Implant (which I've heard only bad things about). Pills...maybe, but I'm in no rush to try them again. I have to think the Mirena over...though I wonder if they'll hold on to it for me or not.

    Anyway, getting the run around from doctors was especially trying and emotionally draining. Fortunately after the ultrasound and the bone density scan, I should be done for the next three months with this crap. Then I get to have another pap, and determine if I'll do Mirena after all or not. I got a menstrual calendar to keep track of any breakthrough bleeding on this shot, should I have any...if I do, I'll probably risk the Mirena. Although I am incredibly curious to see what going off of Depo will change for me, it might be my best option, since I seem to be able to live with the side effects. It might make it more difficult for me to lose weight, but not impossible. It might be doing more good than bad for me...overall I'm okay with it. But, my body may be telling me it's time to change methods.

    I'm really going to make a bigger effort to eat primally since I do need to lose weight (stress eating is just the worst), and I'm looking to also try to get a handle on my IBS-D, which never actually disappeared for me, even at my most primal. It seems to actually get better when I have the occasional piece of *gasp* bread. It gets worse with copious amounts of raw veggies. Okay...I hate taking pills - and choke too much...so I'm ordering some soluble fiber gummies (5 mg), calcium/vitamin D gummies (to help keep my bones dense), and an expensive prebiotic/probiotic...the last one I tried was awful. I'm still drinking kefir and kombucha, but I still bloat constantly and alternate between constipation and diarrhea. It's like playing Russian Roulette with my colon.

    I've made good efforts to get my step count up each day. Probably averaging 5000 steps a day in the end...not up to my liking, but a hell of a lot better than 2000 steps a day (where I was before). I'm going for long walks in areas where it's not 100 degrees (like where I live), but I've been under so much work and emotional stress that my eating just isn't up to snuff. I've had to give up anything with calcium in my diet the past few days in preparation for the bone density scan (it might be a DEXA!) - and aside from a handful of almonds (I wasn't thinking) I have. No dairy! I'm thinking perhaps...I should give it up for a while. Really I should give up sugar first...but hey, just thinking. I want to eat butter still, but maybe saying "no cheese" would be prudent? I say this now, but lord knows I'll be eating dairy by Saturday. I'm weak willed.

    I just don't know how I'll ever get back on track fully. I feel like I'm so far gone that I'm hopeless. I have not been able to conquer the emotional/stress eating and that stress is NOT going away anytime soon, if ever. My work is my work unfortunately, and in this economy any change in careers means going into debt and living a college type lifestyle...I have no interest in that. It's just not the greatest situation, and now that I'm actually making headway in my career, I feel like I've invested too much to give it all up now. I hope that one of these days I can work normal hours and not have a 10 hour day be the minimum standard. Stress is my biggest enemy now - it sends me on a sugar/carb hunt. Hormones are the other enemy, but again...the battle continues. No babies, please. No horrific periods, please.

    I'd really like to not be fat though.
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

  9. #9
    ampespidi's Avatar
    ampespidi is offline Senior Member
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    Relief. And Water...

    Well, got through my medical exams (ultrasound - including the fun wand, and bone density scan). Probably won't hear about any "results" until next week since it's a holiday weekend. I slept lousily (is that even a word?) but I wonder if it had to do with being just uncomfortable with the room (I was at the boyfriend's place) or perhaps knowing I wouldn't get the rest I needed? Some of it was likely mental and I'm glad to be done with my exams for now. Hopefully I won't even have to go in for an appointment for "results" unless they found something I guess. Even then...there may not be anything to be done if they do.

    I had to drink 30 oz of water about 45 minutes before my ultrasound...this was uncomfortable since I was force drinking water. I'm much more of a camel when it comes to liquid consumption. I drink a fair amount of sparkling mineral water, but I think overall, probably not as much as some. Interestingly, I still haven't had to pee much and it's been a few hours. Also, I actually feel pretty decent today. I slept on my neck wrong or something the other night and it hurt to turn my head to the left yesterday, but I massaged a giant knot and it has eased up some today. Still hurts to turn, but it's getting better.

    So I have to wonder...do I feel better because my medical exams are out of the way? Or did drinking a bunch of water first thing in the morning have some sort of awesome effect? Maybe a combination of both. I might actually try drinking that amount of water in the morning for the next week and see how I feel. I anticipate I will sleep easier tonight knowing I don't have to work tomorrow and I'll be in my apartment (which I can turn into an Igloo during this hot weather). The job I'm currently working is ending today (slow day) and then I have the next week off to sort whatever it is I need to sort out...and maybe do a little self pampering. It's been a stressful month(s) and I feel run down. I want to get my hair done (much needed), my nails done (because it's nice) and get a massage (relaxation and to get these knots out). Feeling pretty makes me feel better.

    I pitched a month of doing pretty strict paleo to the boyfriend, and we decided we'll officially start next Wednesday (just because it's a holiday weekend and we both need to go shopping). Important to note it will NOT be a Whole30, because that shit made me crazy about food. I will be indulging in my unsweetened vanilla almond milk - it tastes good and I'm allowing for some sunflower lecithin for god's sake. He'll be giving up his beer, but wants to indulge in a glass of red wine once a week. I want to allow for some dark chocolate (85% or higher, no added flavorings, since those make me eat more than I would plain chocolate) up to 1/2 bar once a week. He wants to go the bodybuilding route and do 1g of protein for every lb of lean muscle mass. He'll be using a combination of egg white protein, whey and hemp protein to get his numbers up higher. He enjoys the fiber from the hemp protein as it keeps things "moving" for him. Fair enough. Aside from its biological value being very low, I see no reason to not have it if he likes what it does for him. I think we'll both be recording on MyFitnessPal for the hell of it. We decided we will NOT do dairy, except butter. No cheese, no cream...it'll be tough because I do love me some cheese, but being able to have butter will aid with the transition very much. Ghee, though delicious, it just NOT the same! No added sugar. I will allow fruit, but I'll probably limit it for myself. Small amounts of stevia is a-okay. I'm also allowing for the small amounts of sugar or sucralose in my gummy supplements. If I feel they are holding me back, I'll give them up, but the amounts are so small, I'm not sure it'll make that much of a difference. We also decided that if we want extra carbs, we'll do sweet potato once a week. I should also pitch squash instead too, as it's less carby. Definitely no grains and no seed/legume oils.

    I feel like this is a good plan that won't drive either of us nuts. We have our allowances for things - we are doing a lower carb diet, but if we feel like the wine/chocolate/sweet potato - we can do that once a week. Not sure I'll have the wine unless it's been a bad week, because I feel like alcohol (however minute) derails my fat loss efforts.

    Hoping that by committing to this for a month with someone by my side...I might see some cool results. I've never really given up dairy for long before, so it'll be interesting to see how it goes this time with keeping butter in the mix. I know I do great with no sugar, so no sugar or cheese/cream I HOPE will yield even better results. If it doesn't...you can bet I'm eating cheese again after that month is over. Hopefully I can get out and move around more - we'll have to drive more coastal for better temperatures, but I think it'll be worth it.

    Well...feeling better today and more optimistic.
    Last edited by ampespidi; 07-02-2015 at 01:39 PM.
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

  10. #10
    ampespidi's Avatar
    ampespidi is offline Senior Member
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    Gut Issues.

    I've completed day 5 of a 30 day (hopefully way more than that) stricter Paleo approach. I'm having such tough gut issues...TMI to follow. Gas, major bloating (how do I know? I'm losing weight and my pant's band is TIGHTER), diarrhea, constipation. Okay, so one thing I won't do again...I brewed some coffee and added 1 teaspoon of xylitol and some coconut cream (Trader Joe's brand...it does have a couple of additives) to make a "latte." Although QUITE delicious...it sent me into a fury of...erm...liquid in the bathroom of things that ought not to be liquid. Now, it could have been too much caffeine for me - I have a history of caffeine causing loose stools (and have used it to cure constipation). It could have been the xylitol - known for causing loose stools. It's why I only used 1 teaspoon. It could have been the coconut cream - I have a history of reacting quite poorly to coconut products. It could have been the perfect storm of coconut cream, xylitol and caffeine that sent me running to the bathroom, grateful that I live alone.

    I've been taking Prescript Assist Broad Spectrum probiotic, 2 daily fiber gummies by VitaFusion (5g of fiber - supposedly prebiotic in the form of polydextrose), and 1/4 - 1/2 teaspoon of magnesium supplement (Calm). I have also been taking 2 calcium + vitamin D gummies by VitaFusion, but not sure that I will continue them. The first three are almost exclusively for gut issues. I can't say that other than that latte explosion my gut has acted any differently than before. I feel bloated and constipated at times, and then there's an IBS-D flush. I feel better once it's all done, but jeez. So far these supplements aren't doing much for me. The first thing I would try to eliminate is the fiber gummies. Fiber is controversial in this community - but sometimes when I eat bread *gasp* I have a much more normal bowel movement.

    I'm doing a small amount of magnesium right now - also for muscle health. My muscles are tight and sore CONSTANTLY and prone to cramping quite easily, so that's also what it's for. The probiotic is obvious. It's supposed to be a good one - and it's a very recent development - I know some people have to "adapt" to their probiotic. I'm willing to give it time. I'm trying to focus a lot more on my gut health. All my research keeps pointing back to it. I've fortunately never had blood in my stool, so I doubt it's Crohn's - but something has been up for 15 years at least. Giving up grains did not work. It helped in other ways, but definitely didn't solve my IBS and wasn't my golden ticket to a lean body. Okay....well, now I'm doing without dairy (aside from butter). It's a process. I've found a pretty good nut "cheese" to help wean me. It's simply prepared and delicious. I can't seem to replicate it at home...which is too bad because it's expensive.

    I just got a Spiralizer and it's a lot of fun. I've only done zucchini noodles so far, but I'm excited to try a sweet potato pad thai, cucumber salad, etc. It's just more fun. No grains, no seed oils (and also avoiding them in restaurants as much as possible), no dairy (other than butter), avoiding as much added sugar as possible.

    I had some 90% dark chocolate today. I don't know...I just don't enjoy it very much, but I have it. I like my chocolate more in the 70-80% range, though I know it's not as "beneficial." I may poach or broil some apricots and peaches I bought - stone fruit is the bomb. I also got a bento box for when I go back to work. I've been looking into what to pack for myself. I'm thinking shredded chicken "tacos" - nuts, fruit, boiled eggs, sliced beef...I do have to work on planning ahead though.

    I'm really trying to figure out my gut issues - I feel like that's really the key to unlocking my true goals. I got a home blood pressure monitor (It's high when I go to the doctor - hello White Coat Syndrome but I suspected it's actually normal) and my blood pressure is consistently normal - yay for being right. However my heart rate remains pretty damn high. Easily in the 90s a lot. Got to work on that too. I'm an anxious person. My heartbeat sky rockets when my phone rings, when I wake up knowing I have to be somewhere, when I get an email. All of it. I honestly don't know how to properly combat such chronic panic.

    Anyway, the scale is moving in the right direction, but I'm still really concerned about getting a handle on my gut and bowel movements. One day at a time I guess...
    _________________________________________________
    "We really shook the Pillars of Heaven, didn't we Wang?"
    "No horsesh*t, Jack."
    "No horsesh*t."

    If something's chasing you for more than a mile, you'd better start thinking of another plan.

    Old, boring journal!http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread106774.html

    New, cool journal that actually reflects my personality!

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1605249

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