Wow, thank you northernmonkeygirl. I had never looked at it like that. I wish I had readyour post first thing this mornign as I have had an absolute shocker of a day.
Okay stand by your beds and get your ears on (or should I say eyes ready). I will tell you my stuffed up thinking first and then rattle off the long and very undistinguished list of food that I have put down my throat.
Reason (more like excuse). Firstly totally gutted would be an utter understatement, I am really trying not to swear but I was that upset that I managed to sob myself to sleep - pitiful. This meant that I was tired and lacking in salts, so to speak. Then I manage to make some real bad decisions. I decided to 'punish' myself for one reason or another, so I opted for just an apple for breakfast after doing an 1hr walk with the dog (usual 6kms). My plan was to then follow it up with an apple for lunch and a salad for dinner. I figured if I ate 250 calories today then that would make me a good person. Yep I know stuffed up thinking. Then the morning meeting with those damned nutritionalists. These guys need to be taken out back and shot. Chocolates, toffees, sweeties you name it and it was waved under my nose. So I ate another apple and another and another to kill of the urge, but it didn't work as now my mind was thinking 'you pig you have eatten four apples' so the next thing I realised I was doing was tucking into the sweeties. Come lunch time I thought I could salvage it but no a lunch time meeting at a bistro had me stuffedup. So I opted for a chicken curry and just ate the chicken out of it. Back to the office and now I was utterly peeved with myself and spiralling into the self hate whirlpool. Come dinner time I was able to claw some dignity back and had a prawn salad with 2 rashers of bacon and a boiled egg. This was satisfyingly good, but then the husband tempted me with a cornetto and a jam sandwich later on. Yep stuffed up good and proper. I have to say this is way harder than I had ever expected. Why do i struggle with this, it is so simple. Do I need to sew my gob closed or something. Even now I am food hunting. This has to stop, am I happy with my current weight = oh hell no, am I happy with my current dress size = of hell no, am I happy with my body composition = oh hell no. Is eatting like this making any positive steps towards my goals = oh hell no. so habit is to be dropped. That is what it is, a habit. My eatting habits equate to smoking, I need to give this pooh up.'
What didn't help and hurt me so much was that yesterday I walked into to a pyschic and the forst thing she sad to me was that I was pregnant, so much so that she was insistant that I take the test and phone her today. Hmmmm I won't ask her for the lottery numbers. I felt like I had disappointed every one, my husband and my mum. This is silly but it was how I felt. I managed to sit down and discuss this thinking with the bog lad and he explained that a family is like the lottery, if it happens then that is great, life changingly perfect. If not then that is okay we will still be happy and not lose sleep over it. Silly I know but today I feel like such a helpless little girl. I want to hide in a corner until everything is okay and then come out again. I don't want to see people that I know as I don't want them to be dissappointed in me for putting on weight. Such non productive thinking. May be i need a new wardrobe to take my mind off of the clothes I can't wear.
Tomorrow is a new day. Lets see what can be achieved.