Good vibes for your journey.
My original journal here was titled Finding My Inner Siren, but I decided it's time for a new journal since I'm starting a new chapter in my life.
I'm no longer focused on weight loss since I've lost what I needed and am maintaining at a weight that I like. This won't be about fitness because I'm not working on that right now either. This journal is about the emotional changes and growth that I'm experiencing as a result of some bad and good life choices.
I'm currently working with a therapist and she is constantly asking me what it would look and feel like for me to bring my whole self into something. What does being your whole self even mean to me? And why haven't I been able to be my whole self up to this point? My inability to answer these questions at 30 years old proved to me that I have no idea who I am. I've been so worried about everything else that I've never taken the time to get to know myself. I don't know anything about my own values or boundaries. I've decided this isn't acceptable and my goal is to fix that.
I know from experience that figuring out who you are as a whole person is not a quick process. It takes time to get to know a person and so shall it take time to get to know who I really am underneath it all.
So here begins my journey.
Last edited by ErinF; 07-17-2014 at 03:02 PM.
Good vibes for your journey.
Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.
I'm so tired all the time. I suppose it's from the depression I'm living with right now. Depression is fucking stupid, that's the only thing I can say. I hate being tired all the time, I am sick of feeling sad every second of the day. I'm an upbeat, energetic, spontaneous, and fun person. At least I used to be. Now I just want to sleep, and cry. I cry a lot. Depression didn't sneak up on me and grab ahold, no, I let it in. I opened up the door and created an environment that welcomed it with open arms. I guess this is the part where I do some explaining.
I was weak, bored, and afraid to be an adult and say no. I let another man come between my husband and I. It was wrong and it ruined the marriage I had spent the last 10 years building. It wasn't a perfect marriage and it wasn't 100% my fault that things fell apart, but it was MY choice to go to this man and my lack of self control, lack of respect, and childish decision that let him in. Now I'm trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my life while trying to help my husband heal from the wounds I inflicted on him. I feel ashamed and sick. I asked my husband why he never chased me, his response was that I used to be worth chasing. God that hurt. At first I was mad, but maybe he's right? I mean my dad made it his fucking goal to tell me how worthless I was every chance he got.
My husband and I are working with therapists to fix this mess, both together and separate. I love my therapist, she's the first real person I've ever met. I wish I had the money to see her weekly, but every other week I feel a small piece of me coming back. Things are going well for my husband and I, but he tells me he has a hard time feeling anything for me now, that scares the hell out of me. Have I damaged him so far beyond repair that I've lost him completely? That's what we're working on right now. He needs to figure out if he even wants me still.
Anyway, back to me being tired. I know it has to do with my job, I'm a bartender and for 3 nights of the week I'm getting home around 2:30 am. I have to wake up at 9:00 to take care of my kids so I'm really lacking sleep. I'm so tired that I have no appetite, I ate 700 calories yesterday. Most days I don't eat over 900. I'm lacking energy because of that alone and in turn I can't find the motivation to exercise nor would it be good for me since I'm not eating enough. It's like I'm stuck in this cycle and it sucks. I'm not sure how to get out of this cycle, but I need to do something. =|
I feel for you, having been somewhere similar myself. Its hard, it hurts, and you feel so powerless while the other person makes all the decisions about your future together. Time machines would be great hey?
We got through it, although my error was a bit different than yours.
My advice, try and find the simple pleasures in life. Nature is a great place to start. Outdoor walks wih the kids, collecting flowers, planting a garden, patting animals. Re-connecting to the world through the completely non-judgemental inhabitants. They will always love you and welcome you, and be there to show you their beauty.
Stand in an empty field, close your eyes and feel the sun on your face, listen to the wind, smell the plants. Just be with yourself. There is only one you. It sounds airy fairy but try it. Its amazing.
The fact that your husband is working to sort things out sounds promsinig, but you know it will be a hard road that will never be forgotten. Neither of you are the same as before. Accept it and move on, in due time.
Thats what life is, lots of hard shitty bits and lots of small good bits.
I wish you the best
I used to be really shy and reserved, closed off and cold to people. I suffered from mild social anxiety and was very VERY introverted. About 16 months ago I decided to grow up and stop trying to be what everyone else's idea of me was. The thing that pushed me out of my shell was actually cosplay. I know, über nerdy, right?
A lot of people think what I do is so strange and weird, but I don't care anymore. It brought me to life. I don't just dress up in random costumes though, it's deeper than that.
I'm part of a non profit organization called HEROIC inc. and what we do is fun and just awesome. We have charities contact us to dress up as superheroes, princesses or other disney characters and we go to charity events to promote their cause. We work regularly with big charities such as MDA and Make-A-Wish. I love dressing up as Black Widow and have kids get so excited to see their favorite comic boom character come to life.
A lot of people get into cosplay for the attention, they love the sexy cosplay because it gets them noticed, but not me. My all time favorite cosplay is my Astrid from How To Train Your Dragon. I looked like a total kid in it, but I don't care, the kids love it, and I'm there to help them forget about all the shit they've gone through. I'm there to keep them smiling and make them feel like they're important.
Heroic brought me out if my shell and taught me that people aren't scary and being part of something important helped me to feel some self confidence.
I also recently got a job as a bartender and I absolutely love it. It is by far the most fun job I've ever had. At first it was strange having men compliment me and ask me out because up until recently I've felt very unattractive and ugly, but I've found that the majority of the men that compliment me are sincere. There's always the few that want either sex or free drinks, but they learn quickly with me that I don't tolerate disrespect.
The point of all of this is to look at the positive things that I have going for me in my life. Today would have been a bad day, but I had a couple at the bar tell me how much they enjoy talking to me when they come to the bar. They said I'm very open and easy going. The woman mentioned I'm like the daughter she never had. It made me tear up a bit because so much of my life has been filled with negativity that anything like this just overwhelms me. I accepted those compliments and for the first time in my life I actually believed what they said about me.
I'm still tired and still having a hard time eating enough food every day, but things are improving. I can say I'm probably at 1200 calories now. Some days I just don't feel like eating at all and I assume its the depression causing that. Despite all of that I think most of my feeling tired all the time is coming from not exercising. I used to exercise several times a week and lately I've done it maybe once a week or every ten days when and if I remember. It's not consistent and my body is showing it. I feel gross.
Working at the bar has been a good and a bad thing for me. It's good in the way of my self esteem and self confidence. It gives me a place to go and be my whole self and not have to worry about trying to fit into anyone else's idea of who I should be. I don't have any roles to play there, it's just me. At home I'm still struggling to not shove myself back into the mold of housewife and mother. I need to remind myself on a near constant basis that I'm human, the end. I don't have to give into titles and labels. First and foremost I'm human and that's as far as I need to define myself.
I'm still trying to figure out where all of my energy is going. I'm still tired all the time. I usually wake up around 10 am in the morning and by 3:00 I'm completely exhausted and end up falling asleep. I've tried taking a multi-vitamin even though I hate them and think they're unnecessary. It helped, but it ended up giving me a headache, which they always do. My therapist said I'm in a depressed state, but I don't have depression. She thinks I'm tired from being in that state and from possibly over-sleeping and having too much stress in my life.
I'm at the point in my life where sad feels normal. I'm sad all the time, even when I'm happy I always feel its so forced. I'm not sure if I'm actually sad or if I prefer to stay in this state for some twisted reason. This feeling is very familiar to me because I spent most of my childhood feeling this way, maybe I stay here out of comfort and maybe it provides a sense of security for me? I self analyze a lot, I've done it since I was a tiny thing and my therapist thinks maybe I do too much of it. Maybe this is whats draining my energy?
I had the most annoying realization the other day, I'm happiest when I'm at work. My job rocks and that helps, but shouldn't I be happier with my family than I am at work? I mean, I'm happy that Matt and I are working on fixing the mess we made of our marriage and I'm happy when I'm home, but I actually have energy and excitement when I'm at work. Being a bartender is very demanding and I have to be everyone else's therapist, but I also get to play around a lot. I'm flirtatious and using that while I work is very freeing for me. I like to spin webs and catch people in them. I love seduction and I get to practice a lot of that while I work. People are fascinating to me and having a job that allows me to watch and interact with people on such an intimate level is so fulfilling. How can I take that feeling of excitement and energy and bring it home so I'm not just a zombie that wants to sleep all the time? Am I sleeping and feeling tired so much because I see it as an escape from my life?