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    The foolishness that is my life...

    Primal Fuel
    Welcome to the foolishness that is my life. I could go into major detail about what has brought me to this point, but then I might cry and go hide under my bed again, so brief introduction and I will share more as I get braver (braver? more brave? Eh, who cares).

    Some basics stats: female, mid 30’s, 5’6’’ about 100 pounds on a good day. Issues with gluten and grains (gut), egg whites (inflammation), most forms of sugar (ie honey ok, but fruit is not) (mood), issues dairy (gut and acne), and extremely sensitive to soy (major inflammation).

    For full disclosure, I do not follow the primal blueprint. I learned that I need to follow my own plan for best gut/inflammation control….but I do find this site extremely helpful.

    I know some of you are still stuck on my weight. Actually doing better these days now that I am not trying to force myself into a mold….was barely hanging on to 95lbs for a while. Started two years ago with a divorce and an obsession. Still recovering from both. Post-traumatic stress is a real thing. These are the things that I may need to warm up to (there is crying and hiding potential here)

    Goals: regaining my strength…internal and external.

    Food: Had 8oz of grass fed beef liver and 8 egg yolks for breakfast. It was divine. Planning on fish for dinner. I do not eat lunch, never hungry during the day.

    Mood today: tired, had a horrible dream about losing my little dog. I have a slightly unhealthy dependence on this little dog. He saved my mind (more to come on that…) Never did get back to sleep.

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    Well I guess since I teased more info I better give it…. Even though I would prefer to be a chicken shit and just not share at all. I used to be brave. I used to care. I am trying to get it together …so here is a part of my story….much apologize for how disjointed this journal is lol

    Was with my husband for 13 years total. Lived together for four year before getting married. There was no proposal, no engagement ring. It was a business decision. He needed surgery and had not insurance and we got married to put him on mine. Great reason, right? But let’s be real, if we were not ready to get married, we needed to split. 4 years is long enough to know if you are compatible or not.

    One surgery turned into a total of 9 over a two year period. Both shoulders, both testicles, back, neck, you name it, it went wrong with him. And at the end of it I had a husband that was addicted to pain killers (oxys), did not work and preferred to spend his time smoking pot and playing video games. Mind you, nothing physical that kept him from working at this point, he just refused. Always had an excuse. I would put my foot down and he would “look” or go and get a job and quit two days later because the boss was a jerk or the work sucked. He always had a story, and was quiet the manipulative person. I did not realize how bad (good?) he was. At the end of the discussion, somehow I was the one that felt I was not doing enough. He had a way of making me feel so small, insignificant, and unlovable without ever insulting me….still not sure how….he was that good at it.

    I ended up working a second job managing a horsing boarding stable to be able to pay the bills. Would work at the barn from 5am-7am, then go to my reg 8-5 job, then back to the barn from 6-9pm. He would drain the bank account supporting his habits. When I limited the amount of money in the shared account to try to keep us afloat, he took out credit cards in my name (without my knowledge) and maxed them out. Then he would take the money that he was supposed to go to Walmart with and use it to buy food stamps and drugs. Just enough food stamps to buy a few things so it looks like he went shopping.

    It took 7 years of this foolishness before I woke up all the way. I was the frog put in the water and let it slowly warm to a boil. One day I came home and he was at the door accusing me of cheating. He did this often. Like every day. If I was not with him I much be sleeping with someone else. Drug paranoia I guess. But this time was somehow the straw on the camel. I stared at him and I swear I really SAW him for the first time. What he was. What he was doing to me. I said nothing. I walked into the bedroom, grabbed 7 socks (not pairs, individual socks) a pair of jeans, scooped up my little chihuahua and walked out the door.

  3. #3
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    FOOD

    This is a whole forum dedicated to food and primal living so I should participate in that aspect as well. I love food….it does not love me.

    My husband loved food too. The fast food kind. Every day. Burger King, McDonalds, Pizza Hut. Steak and Shake. OMG at one point he was eating Steak and Shake everyday. I would cook, he would not eat my food. I am no Bobby Flay, but I know my way around the kitchen. I would literally put dinner on the table, he was take two bites, get up and go to a drive thru. Yeah, that was my life. I fought it up to the point that I was working two jobs, then I gave in and ended up eating the same way, time saver and keeping the peace at home. I did the best I could with what I ordered, but still the food quality was horrid.

    At that point I was 165lbs, horrible skin, ongoing kidney stone issues, constant stomach issues, mood swings and depression. I think the only reason I did not weight more or crash harder was the amount of exercise I was getting (was a runner and working at the barn).

    When I grabbed my little dog and left home I did not eat. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. Me too. It was a means of rebellion and control. My typical day would be an egg or two for breakfast, a bowl of chicken soup for lunch and may be an apple or banana for dinner. This would have been a good day, on bad days it was nothing at all. I was living with my parents at this point. They say the weight dropping off and were concerns but where also trying to be supportive. I put them in a very hard situation.

    Once the divorce was final and I was able to focus a little more, I did start to eat a little better (CW better anyway lol). And a funny thing happened. I realized I had all these intolerances as I had inadvertently done my own elimination diet. With a lot of experimenting and trial and error I was able to come up with a way of eating that works for my mental and digestive health. I work best with big meals and then time with my stomach empty. Eat too much, get sick. Too little, get sick. Eat then eat a couple hours later? Sick. I each 2x a day and make them big solid meals. My meat is measured in pounds I do not do well with starches, so this is a challenge, but I’m getting there.

    At this point I am holding at 100lbs. I am not skinnyfat, I am more like a piece of wire lol I work out. I walk, ride my bike, ride horses. I feel good and have a good energy level. I know that this weight is very low….but I am also trying not to be fixated on a number. I get very obsessive very quickly (with anything).

    I identify most with paleo, but really do my hold myself to anything. I am very aware that what worked before may not work later and vice versa. For instance, dairy has never worked, but picked up some lovely goat cheese that I am going to try. Would be a like way to add some more fat calories in. Fingers crossed.

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    Had a good, productive weekend.

    Saturday I was able to ride both horses on long trail rides. Then came home and mowed the lawn and straightened up around the house. Finished the day with getting some errands done. Ahhh good stuff.

    As is typical with me I did not eat prior to going riding, then after that I was in total good IF high mode and did not eat until after 4:00pm. I know, I know….not the best idea for a hard-keeper, but it is what it is. Had a good meal of grassfed 80/20 and egg yolks. Then visited with the parents a bit and went to bed.

    Sunday was eat/rest day lol Lots of beef, eggs, fish, multiple meals, separated by a nap. Now THAT is the good stuff!

    Oh and worked on my PUZZLE. I discovered recently that my neurotic OCD brain LOVES jigsaw puzzles. I can zone out on them for hours and my mind eats it up like crack. My current one is a 2000 NY new years eve city scene. Moderately difficult. Starting to go through them a bit too quickly, going to have to up the difficulty a bit on my next one.

    My test run of the goat cheese seems to have been successful. This is exciting. Going to try it again in a few days. My reactions from dairy tend to have a decent lag time so I have to be patient.

    This morning jumped out of bed with huge amount of energy. Directed it with a short body weight exercise routine. Burpies, pull ups, dips, plank, leg lifts. Doing this first thing in the am tends to get my mind and body in the right space. I have lots of old injuries to my back/neck (riding accidents) and the more I move the better I am. Sitting still too long and I “lock up”.

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    Welcome Zan!

    Thank you for your honesty. That is some very painful stuff.

    You should come visit my journal and meet some of my wonderful MDA friends. I wouldn't have gotten far on my health journey without them. Link below.

    Good Luck!
    Paula Primal since 9/24/2010
    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
    MFP username: MDAPebbles67

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    Holy cow, do we have a lot in common! From the food intolerances (which have just recently improved HUGELY - will expand later) to the inability to eat during a divorce and the ensuing significant weight loss to the jigsaw puzzle fix! (I'd get the NY scene one in a heartbeat, love those) Heck, I can even see myself grabbing 7 socks! You are definitely brave for sharing your story, but obviously strong as well.

    It's great that you're here. There is a wealth of information as well as plenty of people willing to share and help. Be picky about which advice you heed, there's lots of personal opinion and even inaccurate info given out, although almost always with good intent...just really be discerning and investigate in addition to taking into account what has worked for others. Some of it may not work for you, but is worth a try if it doesn't appear to be likely to cause further damage.

    Good luck and stick around! You'll be so glad you found this place - take my word for it!
    Life is not a matter of having good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.

    - Robert Louis Stevenson

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    Wow really impressive journal so far and only a few posts. Really cool (in a way!) how you accidentaled into an elimination diet and would up discovering so much about yourself. Stick around!

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    Wow, thank you all for the support!!

    Pebble67 – Thanks for the welcome. I will definitely take you up on the invite to follow your journal. The MDA journals that I have read up to this point have been so supportive, if only in a silent viewer way. I have observed very little judgment here, very refreshing considering how several other forums operate.

    GoJenGo – Yeah, another Puzzler!! It is wonderful to find others that are similar to myself or at least understand where I am coming from (ie don’t just tell me to “Eat More”). Completely agree with being selective on who to listen to. There is so much n=1, and I respect everyone’s experiences, but I have to find the best combination that works for me.

    RittenRemedy – Awww, thank you! It has been, and continues to be, quite a roller coaster of self-discovery. Some fun, some scarey.

    Really, thank you for the warm welcome everyone. I was nervous posting my story here…nervous of judgment or being told I don’t belong or any other number of things. My social anxiety was in full effect. Your posts absolutely made my day.

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    I’m an introvert. Actually, I think I am a super-introvert. It is not that I do not like people, or interacting with people, but it is a lot of “work” for me to do so. It is exhausting, to interact in a normal engaging way. I have always been this way. As such, it is hard for me to make friends…even harder to keep them. I am not the girl that calls just to say hi or invite someone to lunch. I had a small handful of friends that put up with me. Thing is, I found that most were friends with the Zan+Husband combo. The X was a social butterfly, and since he was a master of disguise, everyone liked him. When our marriage blew up, I lost these “friendships”. I know it is natural for people to pick sides, but I guess I was unprepared for no one to pick mine.

    During the craziness that was the divorce I developed a unique friendship with a guy that would occasionally work at the barn that I managed. He literally took me under his wing. Without going into great detail, my X did not take me leaving very well and stalked me with episodes of violence. While never hit per se, I was pushed, thrown from a vehicle, run off the road, stalked, broke into my parents house and no, cops were no help at all. This boy gave me a place to stay crashing on his couch and helped me with my barn duties when I just did not have it to give. To be completely honest, I do not remember much of that 2-3 month time period. I was in a constant state of shock and reaction. Was fired from my barn job, managed to hold on to my 9-5…still not sure how. This boy was always there keeping me on the right path, making sure I was alive and kicking. Even after my X tracked him down and beat the crap out of him he did not stop. And he never once tried to “take advantage” of my fragile state.

    During this fog time I became convinced that I was in love with my “hero” and that he was who I was meant to be with. I think I have mentioned my OCD tendencies. I latched onto this boy like he was a life preserver. There was very embarrassing times of me professing my love (he would act like he did not hear me, or that did not understand) and trying to kiss him (he would duck and weave). I finally stopped the foolishness as the drama decreased and life moved on (and X left the state). We were definitely BFFs though. Did everything together. Talked everyday, rode horses together, did not make decisions without consulting each other. It was a relationship without the relationship. At first I thought it was awesome, but had to admit to myself that it was not enough for me. I still had these strong feelings (obsessive, ocd, infatuation type feelings) and I either needed a real relationship or nothing, He did not want to loose me., so he tried. I know that he did. But I realized something. I had put my life on hold when I left my husband, then ducked all responsibility in hinding with this boy in some sort of odd 8th grade type relationship. Any free time I would spending hanging out with him. Nothing with my own interests or ambitions. My work was suffering, I was not riding anymore, getting thinner and thinner. Starting having more obsessive and OCD thoughts about the boy and what our life COULD be.

    Then came home one day and my power was out. Called the company, they had turned off for non payment. WTF? Did some digging and had the scarey realization that I really had checked out. My bills were all months behind. Power had been shut off, water was about to be. Car about to be repo’ed and student loans about to go to garnishment. Again, WTF??
    Took a look around. Career failing, no friends, fake relationship, sitting in the dark with no money. Yup, that did not work for me. Decided that if I wanted to act like I was in 8th grade that I would have to face the repercussions like an 8th grader. Went to my parents and told them everything. And I was grounded. Yup, grounded. They managed my money, got my bills resolved, and I checked in with them every day. I left the boy and went about a month with ZERO contact.

    That all was several months ago. I do talk to the boy a couple of times a week. I do not go and see him. I do not trust myself. My heart still pitter pats when I see his name on my phone. I still say that I am grounded, but really as a reminder to move forward and not fall back. My parents are wonderful people and they keep an eye on me without being overbearing.

    Can’t believe I am putting all this in writing….

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    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    Observed impacts of my diet change:

    Back/Neck pain - I have compressed disks, and broke my back many years ago, so this will always been an issue, but MUCH improved with a cleaner diet and gelatin.

    Kidney Issues – Literally stopped when I stopped grain. Not sure the correlation, but really does it matter? No pizza or sandwich in the world is worth the ice pick pain.

    Acne – discovered that dairy was the cause. Skin cleared right up once eliminated. Tried to reintroduce, and cystic zits appeared. Even grassfed ghee will make my face ich.

    Arthritis in hands – would wake up in the morning and have claws and not be able to move them. This was an inflammatory autoimmune response. Foods that I was able to ID that correlated with a flair up: seed oils, too much PUFA (chicken fat ect), soy, egg whites

    Horrible mood – this one is a tricky one. Sugar, fruit, low quality chocolate, starchy foods tend to mess with my head and I am a moody B. I do not know why. With those items cut out I am a happier, more even temperament person.

    I believe I was (am?) a classic leaky gut example. Gut is healing, as last year I was not able to go the goat cheese.

    What I mainly eat: beef, egg yolks, lamb, fish (all types), liver, greens, dark chocolate, macadamia nuts, lower carb veggies (broc, cabbage, zucchini ect) and now goat cheese. Everything cooked in coconut oil with gelatin added.

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