Well I guess since I teased more info I better give it…. Even though I would prefer to be a chicken shit and just not share at all. I used to be brave. I used to care. I am trying to get it together …so here is a part of my story….much apologize for how disjointed this journal is lol
Was with my husband for 13 years total. Lived together for four year before getting married. There was no proposal, no engagement ring. It was a business decision. He needed surgery and had not insurance and we got married to put him on mine. Great reason, right? But let’s be real, if we were not ready to get married, we needed to split. 4 years is long enough to know if you are compatible or not.
One surgery turned into a total of 9 over a two year period. Both shoulders, both testicles, back, neck, you name it, it went wrong with him. And at the end of it I had a husband that was addicted to pain killers (oxys), did not work and preferred to spend his time smoking pot and playing video games. Mind you, nothing physical that kept him from working at this point, he just refused. Always had an excuse. I would put my foot down and he would “look” or go and get a job and quit two days later because the boss was a jerk or the work sucked. He always had a story, and was quiet the manipulative person. I did not realize how bad (good?) he was. At the end of the discussion, somehow I was the one that felt I was not doing enough. He had a way of making me feel so small, insignificant, and unlovable without ever insulting me….still not sure how….he was that good at it.
I ended up working a second job managing a horsing boarding stable to be able to pay the bills. Would work at the barn from 5am-7am, then go to my reg 8-5 job, then back to the barn from 6-9pm. He would drain the bank account supporting his habits. When I limited the amount of money in the shared account to try to keep us afloat, he took out credit cards in my name (without my knowledge) and maxed them out. Then he would take the money that he was supposed to go to Walmart with and use it to buy food stamps and drugs. Just enough food stamps to buy a few things so it looks like he went shopping.
It took 7 years of this foolishness before I woke up all the way. I was the frog put in the water and let it slowly warm to a boil. One day I came home and he was at the door accusing me of cheating. He did this often. Like every day. If I was not with him I much be sleeping with someone else. Drug paranoia I guess. But this time was somehow the straw on the camel. I stared at him and I swear I really SAW him for the first time. What he was. What he was doing to me. I said nothing. I walked into the bedroom, grabbed 7 socks (not pairs, individual socks) a pair of jeans, scooped up my little chihuahua and walked out the door.