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  1. #1
    angela's Avatar
    angela is offline Senior Member
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    Southern Fried Primal

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    Ok, here we go. I am Angela, born and raised in Charleston, South Carolina. My primal journey has been years in the making, and I am finally beginning in earnest. I would like this journal to be the home of my progress, successes and failures alike, as well as a sounding board for all the insanity that floats around in my brain with no where else to go.

    I'll begin with a love story.

    I remember it almost as if it were yesterday...sitting in a circle on the floor of his bedroom. Me, him, his brother, my sister, a bottle, a score sheet and pack of Sea Monkeys. Spin the bottle was the name of the game, and it would determine who the Brothers R. would give the Sea Monkeys to - me or my sister. T. was filling out the score sheet to keep track of the spins...I think it was going to be best of 5. He wrote my sister's name, then got to a slot for my name and decided to write "Babydoll" instead. I melted. And I was about 6 or 7 years old.

    Fast forward from that little girl to a young lady in high school. T. is eight years older than me, and he still holds that same magic for me at 17...he has also turned out to be a little bit of a bad boy with piercings and long hair - just the kind of guy to get under my parents' skin. We run into each other occasionally in random places - the movies, the mall -and we're always friendly to one another, but there's now this little hint of something else on the fringe of our smiles.

    I went away to college, and everything changed. That something else turned into something more than just an idea of an idea, but never materialized into a real dating relationship. I allowed myself to become a doormat just for the sake of being close to him, and it was a hard habit to break. The only reason I did was because he later revealed to me that he was getting married.

    I was devastated. My first love did not love me back....or rather he did as a friend, but not as someone to build a life with.

    Gradually, I moved forward with my life, left him in the past. I went to culinary school in New York, interned in Arizona, and ended up taking my first culinary job in Southern California. After two years, I was looking for other opportunities to move my career forward. That's when (divorced) T. reappeared.

    Amid the all the "I miss you"s, the "I love you"s, and the "I'm sorry"s, this na´ve girl fell for him again.

    The last six years have been very status quo. We see each other when we see each other, and don't when we don't. It's not a relationship, it's not dating, it just is what it is.

    Two weeks ago, he told me he had gone on a blind date. I lost it. I couldn't hold back the frustration, the longing, the avalanche of emotion I had stuffed deep down inside for the sake of maintaining the illusion of equilibrium. And finally, after 15 years of allowing myself to be pulled along on a string because I truly believed he was the one for me, he said the words: "I love you back, but I'm not in love with you."



    And so begins this total life transformation.

    I am in a unique position for reinvention because my entire foundation has shifted. Everything I believed was in store for my future simply isn't. I have made a commitment to turn everything in my life inside out and upside down. The primal lifestyle is just the beginning.

    Some people will blame me for being in this situation. I would agree with them. I have been overweight my entire life. I was the chunky kid that was made fun of on the playground. I was the invisible heavy girl in the high school hallways that guys would push their friends into to embarrass them. I was T.'s secret late night good time girl that the public daytime girlfriend didn't know about. I was less than a person because I allowed myself to be. I had so little self-esteem that I was okay with being someone's dirty little secret just for the sake of remaining near them.

    Now I'm finding my own strength, my own power, and I'm taking responsibility and control.

    I am worth the effort, and I'm ready.


    Whew. Now the introduction is out of the way. Let the daily grind begin.

  2. #2
    angela's Avatar
    angela is offline Senior Member
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    So now that we have the impetus for change, let's get a few of the basics out of the way.

    Age: 36

    Height: 5'9"

    Weight: 263.4

    Goal Weight: Whatever weight healthy and happy turns out to be...my guess is 130-145


    There is so much shame attached to that last number that I hate to admit it (semi-) publicly. But just like walking away from T. didn't seem real until I said the words "It's over" out loud to another person, that number doesn't mean much until it is out there for the world to see.

    So.....now that my viscera is exposed and open for ridicule, I'm feeling a little "bring it on"-ish. Yes, there's been a considerable amount of sedentary lifestyle over the last decade or so. I graduated from college somewhere around 280, and went on to work an office job for the next four years. This was no ordinary office job, though. This was an office filled with 40 women. When 40 women work together without men, there is much less thought given to how it will appear to bring in a couple dozen doughnuts three times a week. We'll take every possible excuse to buy cakes and throw potluck lunches. It's a haven for self-pity wallowers, and a den for unhealthy choice-makers. This was a particularly low point in my life...I was at my highest weight, my lowest activity level, and I hated my job. All I wanted to do was go on to culinary school. So I did.

    Now I'm a pastry chef, and I'm surrounded every day by the kinds of foods that I am trying to eliminate from my life. Perhaps at the end of this journey, a career shift will be waiting for me...I cannot say. It does seem hypocritical, though, to denounce these foods as poison for myself just to turn around and sell them to someone else. We'll see what the coming months hold for me.

    Coming up, my newly developed habits of activity.

  3. #3
    magicmerl's Avatar
    magicmerl is offline Senior Member
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    Welcome! I hope you enjoy being on here, and thankyou for sharing your journey with us.
    Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

    Griff's cholesterol primer
    5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
    Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
    TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
    bloodorchid is always right

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    angela's Avatar
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    Thanks, magicmerl. I need to ground myself somewhere, and MDA seemed as good a place as any to map out the road ahead. The LONG road ahead, that is =)

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    This is a great start. You've identified some emotional issues. Do you keep a daily thought diary? It might help in times of change like this. Write what you feel, and read it two or three days later. You will notice thought patterns, and can decide which ones help you and which ones hurt you.


    Turquoisepassion:
    Knifegill is christened to be high carb now!
    notontherug:
    the buttstuff...never interested.
    He gives me Lamprey Kisses in the midnight sea
    Flubby tubby gums latching onto me
    For all that I've done wrong, I mastodon something right...

    My pony picture thread http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread82786.html

  6. #6
    angela's Avatar
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    I have kept journals for most of my life, actually, Knifegill. Though I have never really done the daily diary, I've turned to a journal when I had something to say since I was about 10. I've definitely allowed the writing to subside over the last few years, though, largely because I've been working so much. I do recognize the importance of that inner dialogue, though, and have been making a concerted effort in the last few months to really return to it.

    Thanks for the advice!

  7. #7
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    Welcome Angela; I'm one week inning my primal journey and already am seeing some successes.

    A Primal pastry chef? Talk about being surrounded by temptation. I'm in the first week of the 21 day Total Body Transformation. Day 1 was cleaning out the pantry of all grains and sugars. I had to set aside a cupboard for my Sweeties baking supplies.

    You are going to do an awesome job Ma'am. Looking forward to sharing your successes.


    Sent from my iPhone using Marks Daily Apple Forum

  8. #8
    angela's Avatar
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    Thanks, jrosto. Some days it's easy to say no to a freshly baked cookie; other days, not so much. But I am constantly trying to maintain a vigilant awareness of what goes into my mouth during the workday...you can't imagine. You've got 4 to 5 different cooks working at any time, and they're constantly shoving a spoonful of something in your face. "Hey Angela, taste these Boursin mashed potatoes. Do you think they're seasoned enough?" "Hey, try my pasta salad." "This cous cous is the bomb." You never get "Taste this beef filet." =( It's always the starches.

    I'm about two weeks in, and I'm already seeing some results as well. Definitely look forward to seeing you around the forum, and reading about your progress!

  9. #9
    angela's Avatar
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    Now, down to brass tacks. How am I implementing the paleo/primal lifestyle? Let's begin with movement.

    I played tee ball and softball as a kid, but I always hated the running. I was in the marching band during junior high and high school. When I went to college, I did absolutely nothing athletic. And then I wonder why I packed on the pounds so readily during those four years....

    My comfort zone is moderate level activity. I like to walk. I enjoy yoga. Swimming is fun, though, I am badly out of practice. These are my beginning points. I have been making time for at least an hour of activity most every day. Mother's day weekend was a little lax - summer is on its way, which means time for boating in my family. We went out to the sandbar on Sunday and enjoyed some fun in the sun. Did do some wading/walking around with my nieces, but not nearly the kind of sustained activity I've been doing. I'm finding that I do much better if I get up early and get a good hour long walk in before work. I'm energized for the day ahead, and my legs don't fatigue as readily as they do when I walk after finishing a full 8+ hour shift on my feet. I struggle with early mornings, though, because I've been a night owl for so long. Another point to work on.

    I have enjoyed strength training in the past, but I haven't done much of it for many years. I've got a set of resistance bands to work with, and some free weights are on the list of near future purchases. Also considering the purchase of a total gym so that I have the flexibility to do machine work at home, but that's probably a good distance down the road.

    All in all, my goal for the next couple of months is to steadily increase my activity levels on all fronts, and come up with a system that works best for me; one that, most importantly, I can stick to. I want to work on endurance and strength specifically. One more note about potential purchases...I'm thinking of getting the Jawbone Up24 to help with motivation and tracking. Anyone have one of these types of devices, and an opinion about it? I'd love to hear your feedback on it.

    The cherry on top of this movement sundae is that my sister has issued an informal challenge for me to run a 5k with her in September. I'm ready to make it happen!

  10. #10
    TQP's Avatar
    TQP
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    Welcome.

    I rarely post on the journals I peek into. Even if I do, it's usually a very short post ("I am reading along!").

    I had to post tonight because your story struck a cord. The destructive cycles of a non-relationship used to plague me too. I am just now learning how to be good to me these days. That is hard, when for my whole life I was told I would never be good enough by various entities.

    I hope you find balance in life.

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