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Thread: Turquoise's NEW journal: rants and raves of gelatin and law school page 335

  1. #3341
    JohnSWA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TQP View Post
    My "fat" face off to get fatter. Gonna grab lunch with my guy friend.



    Thanks John for the vote of confidence. XD I am always not sure how to take compliments well soooo just...thank you?
    Awe.... shucks (blushing)

  2. #3342
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    I don't have much in the way of wisdom, especially after what Mr.A said, but....

    How am I supposed to find balance in a relationship with ANYONE else if the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally have always called me useless, lazy, fat, and basically all around Unworthy?
    Perhaps it takes a relationship with just the right kind of an "outsider", someone who isn't necessarily supposed to love you unconditionally, for you to achieve that balance. I'm sure there are many guys out there who would never see you as "all around Unworthy" or in negative light, the way you sometimes see yourself and the way your parents seem to perceive you.

    They mean well, they mean well, they mean WELL... but at the end of the day, their mound of expectations piled on me early on in life, coupled with a few well-remembered criticisms... have followed me to this day. I could get an 97 and it's not perfect enough because it's not a 100. If I got a 100 that means the class I'm taking is too easy. They always commented on how skinny and perfect my best friend was in HS.
    It's impossible to please everyone and to be the absolute best at anything. I'm all for not being satisfied with mediocrity and striving to do better, but you have to set the limit somewhere, or you'd go crazy.
    You can't let the expectations of others and your attempts (obviously sometimes futile) to earn their approval define your actions and your life. Just do it for your own gratification. Of course there are certain situations in life where we are obligated not to act selfish.
    I don't know about you, but whenever I've wanted to accomplish something and have worked on it for a long time, often after achieving specific goal I have found it not quite as fulfilling as I previously imagined it would be.

    I am tempted to show any guy who actually considers dating me LT this journal. It's where I enumerate my inner demons and psychoanalyze them.
    Hmmmm, be a totally open book...or not. Tough call. Depends on the guy and timing, I guess...

    I'm never good enough for me.
    I used to wake up every day with this thought in my head. I still feel that I'm not good enough for me.......and for others. It crosses my mind quite often, but it has become much easier to ignore. I just try to do the best I can and if it's still not good enough, well too bad.

    Edit: and try to love yourself first. I think your parents would still love you, even if you don't conform 100% to their expectations, in spite of them being Asian parents . It has to be unconditional after all.
    Last edited by Graycat; 05-09-2014 at 12:16 PM.

  3. #3343
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    Pho. With tons of beef tendon and eye of round. I got double meat and ate maybe 1/4-1/3 of the rice noodles. Usually I get the combo bowl with tripe and fatty brisket too but I really wanted tendons today. That stuff is so amazing (and pure collagen).

    Bone broth, beef, tendon, basil, sriracha... Makes me a happy camper. Pho is my happy food, my soul food.

    I'm at a coffee shop now with my friend with an iced chai tea. They have almond milk here for you paleo hardcores. tons of cool weird mocha variations too and gluten free treats. I am just happy with my chai... Perfection in a cup.

    He is making some video game right now as I type. We spent lunchtime talking about Fourier transforms and making landscapes for video games. I can't wait to see what the game ends up being like... I know a lot of programmers but he is probably one of the most talented ones.




    I love this. I don't know...the cheesiness makes me happy. The random wall art pieces in Austin have always made me happy.

    Lol. My photog friend thought it was me and my other photog friend hanging at the coffee shop. Sent me a fb msg over group msg just now "I am jealous" dude don't worry! We are not hanging out without you!!!!
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    Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.- Karl Lagerfeld

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    I'm always eight pages behind on here or I never have anything to say on the current topic...And I am the last person who would know about relationship advice but any guy who reads this should be blown away by how freaking on top of everything you are. Like I'm amazed every time I come on here about how many amazing projects you have going. Not to mention OOTDs I would die for and a kickass body. And you can cook. You're a dime for sure in my book
    Also I'm so on the starch and fruit train. I went through kind of a tough phase this winter where I just wanted to eat junk, probably due to the season, but then all of a sudden the sun came out and literally all I want to eat is sweet potatoes and giant fruit smoothies. Nothing else sounds good. Carbz 4 lyfe

  5. #3345
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    I just want to thank you all.

    I think external feedback is super important to self growth. I don't want to be coddled... I want people to bitchslap me if I'm being stupid or delusional.

    So don't be afraid to offend me in offering advice.


    -----------------------------------------------------


    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Anthony View Post
    More Unsolicited Advice From Mr. A:

    I'm competitive. Very competitive. I've got two brothers, and growing up, we all had to be the best at whatever. We'd get in fistfights over who could throw a piece of paper into a trashcan the most times in a row. We'd put each other in the emergency room trying to win a backyard football game.

    It took me a LONG time to realize a couple of things that have made me a better person today:

    1. There is ALWAYS someone better than you at whatever you want to to. Usually a LOT of someones.

    2. You have to be willing to adjust your worldview on some things, or you'll get nowhere.

    I love being strong, athletic, good at sports. And I'm all of those things. But I get to hang around people who are legitimately Top-20 in the world in their various disciplines, or who are professional athletes. Those people are a whole different species, practically. Nothing I could do will put me in the same category as an NFL cornerback, or Olympic gymnast, physically-speaking. Nothing. They're the perfect storm of genetics, drive, motivation, training methodology, discipline...they're borderline superhuman. And their lives are devoted to their sport.

    I love being good at my chosen profession(s), and having good business sense. But I know multi-multi-multi-millionaires (I think I actually know a billionaire, but he doesn't really confirm or deny if this is true or not) who can out-everything me at any professional level. LOTS of these people. Maybe I'll get to their level, maybe not, but these people are mega good at what they do.

    So, practically speaking, here's what my progression has kind of been, and some general advice, along with a couple of examples, all in a hodgepodge:

    Before I went to law school, I said that I was going to be in the top 10 people in the class. It was a written goal and everything. By the end of 1L, I realized that 1) I could probably do it, but 2) it would make me miserable. I had to make a legitimate change to my worldview. I finished more middle of the pack, but I forged friendships and had memories with absolutely great people that none of the top-10 folks did. I actually enjoyed school a lot and am still great friends with that core group of people to this day (played golf with on of my buddies yesterday who was out here for business this week). We fly in for a reunion we created every year, even. The top-10 crowd isn't present for that.

    I figured I would go corporate afterwards. Ended up not; it's been a winding road, but I like what I'm doing now and have a ton of good fun side projects that have potential to end up being my main source of income. NONE of those projects are anything I went to school for--they're things I love doing and am passionate about.

    I work out and train hard, and play flag football at a high level (don't laugh; this league is seriously big-time competitive), and do all manner of physical activity and fun things. At some point I stopped caring if I could maintain underwear-model-status abs, and started focusing more on how strong I can get, and how much other cool stuff I can do that most people can't. And I still have nice abs, without making it a focus--but I can squat over 300 lbs now.

    What I'm getting at here, obliquely, is that I had to adjust how I see myself and the world. I can't be the BEST at everything. Or even one thing, probably. There are billions of people in the world--the odds just aren't there that you can be the best at something. But you know what you CAN be? Better than you used to be. Happier than you were a year ago. These are legit goals...and they're limitless.

    Look, I didn't grow up with Asian parents. My folks were nothing but supportive of us, even after they got divorced. The three of us are totally different--I've got a brother who is a poor missionary on the Amazon, one who is a successful businessman and family man, and me, kind of a...well, I don't know how I'd describe me. Different than those two. But my mom sure loves all of us, no matter what, because we've all discovered what matters to us, and we're all pursuing it. And we still get in fights over throwing paper, whenever we're all together.

    So find what makes YOU happy, and then do the F out of it. And if something else ends up makes you happier, or gives you a greater feeling of success, do the F out of that, too. But you can't live your life trying to please everyone.

    Even family.

    But if you live your life a bit selfishly, I think you'll find you CAN please the people you care about.

    Probably moreso than you could have if you only tried pleasing them.
    1. I will always take unsolicited or solicited advice with an open mind.

    2. I know I need to change my worldview... it's one thing to KNOW what to do, and another to change my perspective. I have been working towards it... it's easier to do while I'm away from home I think. NYC challenges me but at the same time allows me to forgive myself when I fail a bit more.

    It's always hard to describe how I feel about myself, but I think both you and Gray get it. It's not exactly lack of self confidence... it's overexpectation of self.

    I know I can't be the best at everything... doesn't mean I haven't been trying to be. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Graycat View Post
    I don't have much in the way of wisdom, especially after what Mr.A said, but....


    Perhaps it takes a relationship with just the right kind of an "outsider", someone who isn't necessarily supposed to love you unconditionally, for you to achieve that balance. I'm sure there are many guys out there who would never see you as "all around Unworthy" or in negative light, the way you sometimes see yourself and the way your parents seem to perceive you.


    It's impossible to please everyone and to be the absolute best at anything. I'm all for not being satisfied with mediocrity and striving to do better, but you have to set the limit somewhere, or you'd go crazy.
    You can't let the expectations of others and your attempts (obviously sometimes futile) to earn their approval define your actions and your life. Just do it for your own gratification. Of course there are certain situations in life where we are obligated not to act selfish.
    I don't know about you, but whenever I've wanted to accomplish something and have worked on it for a long time, often after achieving specific goal I have found it not quite as fulfilling as I previously imagined it would be.


    Hmmmm, be a totally open book...or not. Tough call. Depends on the guy and timing, I guess...


    I used to wake up every day with this thought in my head. I still feel that I'm not good enough for me.......and for others. It crosses my mind quite often, but it has become much easier to ignore. I just try to do the best I can and if it's still not good enough, well too bad.

    Edit: and try to love yourself first. I think your parents would still love you, even if you don't conform 100% to their expectations, in spite of them being Asian parents . It has to be unconditional after all.
    On open book to Guy: It's not like I'm opposed to talking about it all. If anyone in general asks a specific question, I answer it. I'm relatively open if people know to ask. I'm not afraid to talk about "hurtful" past or anything really. As you all can see on here, I'm pretty open about it all, the good and the bad. I'm like that with the guys I date, but when I'm silent... how do you know where to start? If that make sense at all...

    There's a reason I'm always like "ask me anything" on here because there are very few things I'm unwilling to answer. Most people just see the "surface me" though, so they don't know where to begin the questionnaire.


    ON "achieving a goal": I'm not sure if I have ever been there. I have set the initial goal so high, that I don't think I've ever "made" it in my mind.

    On Loving Self: Sometimes I think I love myself too much; other times I think not nearly enough. At the end of the day, it's the Tragedy of the Ego that perfectly describes me.
    JOURNAL.

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    Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.- Karl Lagerfeld

  6. #3346
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    Dude. I just got to see a preview of one of the games my friend has programmed. He used math (differential equations) for the landscapes, physics + math to make a self-stabilizing spaceship, and various fractals for various objects.

    The self-stabilizing spaceship was SUPER awesome. He threw a "ball" at the spaceship and after a bit of bobbling, it stabilized. He also showed me some of the missiles he made.

    There's a remind here and a lesson somewhere along the way, that there's no way I will ever get to learn everything and be the best at everything. :P He's SO talented and creative. It's humbling the sheer amount of talent I witness everyday around me.

    I totally get the sort of context Mr. A was referencing though. My friends are pretty mind-blowingly good at a variety of fields.

    I grew up with some of the most talented programmers...I have no idea what they're doing 100% of the time. A few of them graduated MIT or Harvard and I'm contact with them consistently.

    I know the prettiest .01% of the female population by way of being a stylist and casting models for various projects.

    One of my friends won the nationwide science fair with his research...

    Not to mention I've dated some guys with awe-inspiring career trajectories...the athlete+hedgefund manager...the founding+managing partner of a nationwide firm...

    SO OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to be the most successful, smartest, most talented, prettiest, most _____est of the people I know. I'm not ANY of those things. Of course. It's the harder part trying to convince myself to compare self to others 24/7 though. It's even harder for me not to at least TRY to be the best at everything I try my hand at though.

    Hell, I'm ONLY in FASHUN now because I started a stupid fashion website while I was a sophomore/junior in college for "fun" and "relaxation." Then I got all perfectionist and set up deadlines and expectations for myself like I'm doing this "hobby" for serious. Then everything blew up... I got featured... I got opportunities. I just ran with it.

    In the end I burned myself out. My senior year, I went to class for chemical engineering (I finished my biochem degree the first 2 years of college, so I was just trying to get my chem engineering after sophomore year). Then I went to research for 30 hours a week, trying to get published. Then I went to conduct model castings for Marie Claire (I was producing a local show for them). Then I had to come home and study for the LSAT, and apply to law school, and do homework. I was probably working 90 hours a week...

    ... and I burned myself out. For the Summer of 2012, I just laid there for a month...and did nothing... before my July internships with Marie Claire et al in the city. I was creatively burned out...I stopped my personal fashion website eventually before 1L year of law school ended. It was kind of a crash-and-burn in slow motion. The summer between 1L and 2L year (summer 2013) saw me probably at my lowest mental capacity. I couldn't be bothered to do anything except do my legal internship and talk about dieting, boys, and nothing else. I didn't read. I didn't do FASHUN. I didn't bother to even watch my usual documentaries. I was on intellectual burnout. That's actually when I started journal 1.0 on MDA.

    I have no idea how I picked myself up again somewhere around fall of 2013. I found lifting... I restarted to salsa dance...I started the blueprint of this new fashion venture. I became INTERESTED in something again.

    I don't want to burn out again. I'm trying to pace myself...but look at me. I couldn't say no to planning 3 shoots in my supposed vacation. I need to figure out how to recharge my creativity, my entrepreneurial spirit.

    I see the danger of overcommitting and yet I'm doing it again. Gah.

    (I'm not sure what the point of this post was about...except just musing and putting my thoughts down on "paper." Hence, it might have not made any sense whatsoever.)
    JOURNAL.

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    Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.- Karl Lagerfeld

  7. #3347
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    Quote Originally Posted by sabrina90 View Post
    I'm always eight pages behind on here or I never have anything to say on the current topic...And I am the last person who would know about relationship advice but any guy who reads this should be blown away by how freaking on top of everything you are. Like I'm amazed every time I come on here about how many amazing projects you have going. Not to mention OOTDs I would die for and a kickass body. And you can cook. You're a dime for sure in my book
    Also I'm so on the starch and fruit train. I went through kind of a tough phase this winter where I just wanted to eat junk, probably due to the season, but then all of a sudden the sun came out and literally all I want to eat is sweet potatoes and giant fruit smoothies. Nothing else sounds good. Carbz 4 lyfe
    SABRINNNNNNNAAAAAA.

    Gurl, I saw your booty update. Higher carb has been treating you well I see.

    I just really want some purple sweet potatoes... I STILL haven't gotten to eat them since coming back home, even though I missed them in NY. I cannot find them in NYC!

    I'm recently getting obsessed with melons, kind of partly due to Graycat's influence.

    I think I only APPEAR to be "on top of everything." My real life is actually always playing catch-up. Yay...stress.
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    Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.- Karl Lagerfeld

  8. #3348
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    I'm coming "down" from my stress hormones. I haven't been able to sleep well for the past few nights but I'm finally getting sleepy today.

    Hopefully this means I'll sleep well tonight. Photoshoot is tomorrow.

    I wish I could nap but I'm at the coffeeshop. XD
    Last edited by TQP; 05-09-2014 at 01:43 PM.
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    Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.- Karl Lagerfeld

  9. #3349
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    I use comparisons to people way better than me at things as learning experiences, and as inspiration...not as comparisons to myself.

    Sent via lightsaber

  10. #3350
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    I've never had purple sweet potatoes...I don't think I've even seen them at the store? Sounds like something I would be interested in though!
    Playing catch up is stressful, but I would so much rather be too busy than not busy at all IMO. Maybe it's just because I come from a family where a lot of my extended relatives don't do much at all and just kind of get older and older while staying in the same place...which is the opposite of what I would like to do with my life.

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