Who was the speaker??
Annie Ups the Ante
She sounds like a very interesting person, and inspirational speaker. Glad you had a good day.
Annie Ups the Ante
I'm cautiously saying that work seems to be coming under control . I've spent pretty much a week at home just catching up, and I THINK I know about the things that are coming up. Feels good.
Another detox day is over. That feels good, too.
I'm still ruminating on the weight loss thing. I've shifted to wondering what it would feel like to be 70kgs - and my first response was that I shouldn't go that low. I don't know how to be that person! Unpicking that response, I thought about how I dress now, and how that might change if I lose over 20kg. I put it into pounds - I'm about 210lbs at the moment, and if this diet works I'll go down to about 150.
Right now I dress in kind of flowing clothes - black pants and loose tops for work, track pants and loose t-shirts at home. I usually wear flat or nearly flat shoes. I use mascara and eyeliner for work, and nothing when I'm 'off duty'. I have fairly plain underwear. In the past when I've lost weight, which I've done 3 times with varying lowest weights from 84kgs/185lbs down to 60kgs/130lbs (that low weight was pathological r/t my divorce - my period stopped and I slept all the time), I've also changed my dress style to tighter clothes that have a more 'look at me' vibe to them, sexy underwear and nightwear. Maybe that's a clue about why I regain. If this huge change is going to work, I need to be comfortable as much as possible. I suspect it's enough of a challenge to cope with a different body in private, without making it public. The answer to this is to consciously stay with the same style of dress while I adjust. Just one single change at a time.
Maintaining a lower weight is another thing. I'll be staying with paleo, without a doubt. But I also know I have a bit of an issue with sugar but I don't honestly think I can spend the rest of my life being paranoid about everything I eat. I'll need to think about that some more, and sort out the sugar demon screaming at me not to deprive myself, the masochist who wants a life of deprivation, and a sensible way to live my life.
I've also been thinking that I would go to the gym specifically to start lifting. I have some concerns about hurting myself if I try to do it on my own, some about being generally quite weak, lots about osteoporosis and lack of balance (neither of which I have, and I want to stave them off for as long as possible if not forever). I also really like the feeling of being strong - it makes me feel more energetic and adventurous. I'd have to get brave, though, and get a trainer to help me get started. I'd also have to be willing to take my wobbly, weak body into a palace of tight, strong people. Eeek
Wow, I've achieved next to nothing at work today - I've ventured into threads I'd usually keep well clear of, and it kind of feels like watching a train wreck in verrrrrrrry slooooooow motion.
I've also been thinking and reading about sugar and exercise. I'm such a good employee today . Today is grocery day, and I'm going to stock up on supplies to help me get over this sugar crap. I did a list of foods that I really don't want to live without on a permanent basis:
- fruit juice (I don't have this very often, but if we're out with friends an OJ is a good substitute for alcohol)
- homemade chutney or relish - I have this really often, like daily
- dried fruit - again, not a frequent food
- maple syrup
- pineapple/watermelon/all fruits
Apart from the chutney and chocolate, these are not everyday or even everyweek foods. They're mostly in a social context, and saying no to them every time feels like deprivation. My question to myself is whether it's possible for me to have these things in my life and stay in control. I've certainly had less cravings since I've been feeling better - but at work today I've had milk chocolate and a 'fizzy fruit drink' (which means carbonated apple juice with added sugar). I'm bored and frustrated today - my office is a nice space but it's confining, and I've had lots of people popping in to see me. I'm eating to try and make myself feel better, but instead I just feel tired.
Anyway, regardless of those reasons, I know that when I don't eat sugar I don't crave it. So that's what I'm planning to do for now. That involves staying away from fruit unless it's with a meal and not intensely sweet. My only potential derailing point, and the one I keep using as an excuse not to start this process, is that the protein shake I've been prescribed has sweeteners in it, and it tastes super-sweet to me. But I have to give it a try.
Re exercise - I'm not changing anything just now. Rest and stability are part of the treatment plan.
It was a good weekend. I'm doing fine, food-wise . The detox powder should last til Saturday, but I think it's only got enough left for another 2-3 days. Then I get to experience the third phase powder . I'm too scared to open the can just yet!
It feels more and more like spring, but we still have that really cold southerly that gives me an earache. It's lovely when I can find a place out of the wind, though!!
I'll be working from home for a lot of this week, which I'm really happy about. I get to have more meaningful breaks this way, involving playing with the dogs and a bit of housework. That beats wandering down to get a cup of tea then plunking down in front of the computer again.
Just caught up on everything in your new journal Jac. Sounds like you've found yourself a great doc and you're on the road to feeiling a lot better. But frigging hell, the sugar monster is such a pain in the arse isnt it.
Seriously, I just want to feel relaxed about what I eat. I get that I can't do that now, because I'm still a fucked up unit . But surely it can happen one day?? I wonder if I'll live that long, lol.
I finished that horrible detox powder today! The next phase is all about vitamins and minerals.
I get so hyped up and positive just after I've seen the doctor, and now that it's been a while I can't help wondering if he can really reverse all that damage from the last 40 odd years with just a few months of supplements. The jury is still out.
If you call in, Em - I thought hcg worked for you???
no I havent read anything about this PEAT business yet. I did stop in on a thread about sugar and my god, what a slag fest was going on in there. I remember now why I dont really bother reading the other threads now. The trouble with sugar (if you ask me which I'm sure you will ) is that it's just so addictive. Someone has just put out some lollies at work. Well oh oh, now I want to eat more than one - or possibly more than a hundred I dont eat fruit so it's not like I've ever had my sugar from there anyway. But realistically, I know that if I was to ditch sugar (and by that I mean the white stuff, not carbs per se), then I really would most likely see the scales move. And I would probably look better too, because lets get real, sugar does age us.
You're so sensible, Suse . I do want to get off the sugar, because I hate feeling out of control - and it definitely makes me feel more hungry. The thing I can't figure out yet is the effect of fruit and starches on sugar cravings. I kind of think they don't start me craving, but something does! The only time I'm properly free of wanting sweet things is when I don't have any at all. But on the other hand, I do know that stevia doesn't trigger me at all.
Anyway - the next phase of detox starts today, and it smells like vanilla. It also has rice protein in it so it'll be grainy. I can't wait to be done with this because drinking my breakfast isn't really working for me.
Oops, I think I'm having a moan-ish kind of a morning!!