Ever checked out the Flylady system for cleaning? It really turned things around for me, even if I never followed it perfectly.
Hey, at family gatherings where there is virtually nothing to eat, sit there in front of your empty plate and guilt them out... Of course, that might not be very diplomatic, so you might want to consider ignoring me. I do lower my standards a little when I'm out; I don't ask about oils, for instance, but I don't budge on grains. Unless you count having one or two pieces of lightly breaded zucchini budging. (Oh, and some gravy on the turkey. Not at the same meal.) That tiny quantity of flour doesn't cause any bad effects for me. But that's as far as I've ever gone. Fortunately my family is more accommodating than yours. In general, I find that you have to set very clear boundaries. Not over this issue, but over others, I have literally left town several days ahead of schedule. Things got better after that. It was clearly understood that I was serious about not getting pushed around. Your family obviously considers that this is something optional for you, and that you aren't serious because you will eat what they set out. In that case, why should they go to extra effort? So maybe sitting in front of an empty plate - no whining, no anger - will get the message through. You've made changes for health reasons, and you're serious. Phone ahead of time, explain what you can eat and why you're doing this and what happens when you don't, and give specific suggestions for what is acceptable. People don't feel threatened when you tell them you'll be happy with sliced tomatoes and some simple sliced turkey (or whatever corresponds to the menu). It's not exactly pushing them to do something difficult. Offer to bring something to lighten the load, if need be, if only a couple of veggies you could nuke. Whenever I'm invited to someone's home, I phone ahead to let them know what my restrictions are and work something out. Most people can work with plain meat and veggies.
Hope this helps a bit, and isn't just annoying.
5'2", 55 years, Primal since April. Pre-Primal weight loss, from 216.6 to 157.8
Primal low: 140.2 (Dec. 3) Goal weight: 135?
Main Primal goal: beating back my CFS enough to function more normally and start writing again
More and more, our life has been governed by specialists, who know too little of what lies outside their province to be able to know enough about what takes place within it.
- Lewis Mumford