You sound calm and directed. I hope all goes well for you. I'm cheering for you!
You sound calm and directed. I hope all goes well for you. I'm cheering for you!
Took a break from posting at all to try and really focus on things. Tried to be good to myself with eating right, working out the way I need to and getting plenty of sleep. It's been good - I've slimmed down some more - don't know if there has been weight loss but I'm not caring as much about numbers on the scale. I've been building muscle and feeling fitter, making sure I eat enough to feed the body recomposition goals I have. And this is surprising but the ashwaghanda and holy basil leaf drops I've been taking make a difference I feel. It's like everything is in balance. I love feeling dialed into things, like I've finally figured out how eat to make myself and my body happy - yay me! :)
And I also finally bit the bullet and ended things with my husband. Clearly communicated it so there is no misinterpretation. He still is trying to find a way but we talked about what things are his, what he'll be bringing with him. I've let go of being worried that he won't be able to take care of himself - he is 37 and its not my job to do it. I had been holding out because of that vacation the 3rd week of August that we committed to doing with another couple. The wife is one of my best friends and I had an honest conversation with her, that I was hanging to the marriage because she made me feel so guilty about the vacation. She apologized and I decided to give my husband some credit and just told him I was done. And that we have been living together but separately for a couple years now and we can certainly pull it together for one week with friends we love.
It's such a relief to just have it out and done. I was so worried that we'd go on the vacation, where I'd just be trying to keep up appearances. He'd get hopeful that we were reconciling and then after the vacation was done, would be shocked that I wanted to end it. Much better this way. At this point, I think he'll be moving out in September. I'm excited to start enjoying my life on my terms and not feeling so trapped.
Coming up this week - yoga tonight and a long walk, weights Monday and Wednesday, and 3 nights of racquetball! I get to eat a ton this week. :)
Dragging my journal out of the archives for an update. Already posted most of this in JoanieL's journal so I'm going to be lazy and post it again with no editing! :)
This is just an explanation on how things actually and finally ended. The ex was walking on eggshells around me, trying to be as small and quiet as possible - he was hoping that if he just existed in the house without causing problems that I wouldn't have the heart to ask him to leave. And he was mostly right, but it was so annoying living with someone who tries to slide through your life without really being there just to stay. Then, two things happened:
He did something really petty on a night where I had feasted on red wine and girl talk, i.e. I'm in a hell of a mood. He has tons of friends all 100% in his corner - friends he would selectively feed info to about our relationship to make himself look like a sad, good guy just trying to hang on. But he never used them for actual support. I had one female friend that I could talk to ... So who does he decide to make his emotional tampon, instead of all of his friends? Right, my one GF. I dealt with that because they are friends to and I'm not about making someone pick sides. But on that fateful night (hee), he texted her about 20 times while she and I were out on a girls night. She showed it to me "I know my wife is right there so don't show her this but *starts stirring drama-pot*"
It made her mad that he would do that when he knew we were out together, which made me mad. I don't get mad for myself much, but it upset her cause she's trying to hang out with me and he just won't stop. So I unleashed on him when I got home and he lied and said he didn't think we were out together. So much of a pussy he can't even own up to being douchey.
The 2nd thing he did, might have been worse than the first? He grew a beard. Don't get me wrong - I looooove men with beards, if you can actually grow a full one. He can't. It comes in all patchy with holes, like even his facial hair knows he's just a man-child. I looked at him and thought "clearly, I can never have sex with this person ever, ever again." So I ended it that night. We had some financial issues before he could actually leave cause I supported him throughout the relationship but he finally left 6 weeks ago. I don't know why I waited so long - it's like coming out of a tunnel.
I've been so much calmer and happier since he left. It's amazing how much stress you carry around with miserable relationships - didn't even realize the weight so heavy until he had gone. I'm sleeping better, eating better and feel like myself for the 1st time in years. Will do a separate post on post-breakup activities, this one has gotten too long. :)
So the most amazing thing I've found in the last few months? Adaptogens! I can't remember if it was Zach or Derp who suggested them - maybe Zach, I think Derp thought they were kinda BS. They are totally not BS :) I found a chiropractor who is very educated in these herbs, plus there is a good resource at my local natural food store. I didn't really take it seriously until after getting back from vacation in August. That was my last hurrah with drinking and going off reservation - I realized that all of my problems with relationships and other things are self-driven choices I've been making using drinking as a way to bury my head in the sand. I had already cut down to a few times a month, but cut it out altogether since the ex moved out. I was doing all of these good things for myself with food, exercise etc but sabotaging my efforts by going out too much and staying up too late. It would take me a few days to feel right again and then when I got back to feeling awesome, I'd end up going out and starting the recovery all over.
Since he left, I've been disciplined about going to bed early, which is way more awesome now that I have the bed to myself. :) getting up early has been easy and I've been super productive. I think without making my body go through that cycle, I feel the impacts of the adaptogens much more cleanly. I wonder if this is how normal people feel lol. My brain is focused and calm, I have steady energy but still sleep well at night. It's like they are filling in the gaps for me.
It's made a big difference in my tournament play too! I played my first racquetball tournament in 8 years 2weeks ago and won my singles division handily. The competition wasn't as intense as I remembered from before, but I was the QUEEN of stealing defeat from the jaws of victory. You have to finish out matches on your serve - you don't win points on your opponent's serve, you can only get your serve back winning defensive rallies. Always always always, I would be up 5-10 points and would flake at the finish line. It was so dispiriting, letting people back into games and matches until I felt I just couldn't win a match. It was totally mental.
None of that was in play last weekend! I was so psyched - won my 1st match 15-2, 15-4 and my second match 15-1, 15-14. Got injured in the 2nd game of the last match but still gutted it out when I could barely move. It's so nice to feel like everything is dialed in. :)
Next up . . . So, apparently men court you via text message these days. I don't think I'm doing it right lol. I'm incapable of talking in text shorthand aside from the occasional lol. Lol. I need advice. Or maybe I need to stop getting all crushed out on men that much younger than me.
What adaptogens are you using? I've had some nice energy boosts from Eleuthero root.
Texting & chatting online is a nice way (IMO) to have brief conversations or conversations throughout the day. It's flirty, I guess. I didn't text much until Hulky and I started dating and it was a nice way to keep in touch while we were unable to hold an actual call or see each other.
[QUOTE=namelesswonder;1339797]What adaptogens are you using? I've had some nice energy boosts from Eleuthero root.
Texting & chatting online is a nice way (IMO) to have brief conversations or conversations throughout the day. It's flirty, I guess. I didn't text much until Hulky and I started dating and it was a nice way to keep in touch while we were unable to hold an actual call or see each other.[/QUOTE]
I like ashwaghanda, holy basil oil and maca. Maca is more specifically for female stuff, from what I've been told. I was doing well with that - I have Eleuthero and Rhodiola too, if I want to change what I'm taking, but this had been working. On the chriopractor's recommendation, I've added Korean Ginseng. He said he recommends it to people who have some anxiety because it promotes a focused mental state. It's supposed to be really good for athletes, so I added it before starting back up with rball tournaments. I really like it.
I like the texting but maybe I wasn't flirty enough. The little noise my phone makes when I get a message is like aural crack, ha. I instantly feel a little zing, and was disappointed when I didn't get any more texts after 4-5 days. But . . . I've made a resolution to not waste my time on passive men, so I'm thinking he just wasn't interested enough. C'est la vie
Maca gave me joint pain and anxiety :(. I'll look into the others for the sake of it.
Uh oh, I'll have to watch out for that.
[QUOTE=Zanna;1339831]Uh oh, I'll have to watch out for that.[/QUOTE]
We're talking about maca root, yes? I think it affects the thyroid in some way. For some people, that has a good benefit on their sex hormones. For me, I don't think I have thyroid issues, so it created problems. Though I did have low progesterone at one point, but I treated that with Vitex and it doesn't seem to be an issue now (haven't confirmed w/ bloodwork yet).
Oh, interesting. Yes, it's a tincture of maca root. I'll do more research into that. My sex drive is really high, but I think there is a lot that goes into that.