Thanks, Mama! Life goes on, whether or not I want it to do so. Thanks for the warm thoughts.
Fast broken! 3 eggs, 2 c spinach, 1 leftover chicken tit, 1/2 roma tom, 1/2 jalapeno, 2 oz cojack cheese, 1 tbsp butter, all scrambled together. Originally, it was gonna be an omelet, but I was being impatient and scrambled it instead. ( ETA: I only ate half of it.)
[QUOTE=kuno1chi;223539]Enjoy your cake, Naiad.
Your co-workers got that for you because they love you.
It will be yummy, and then you can move on---sounds like you have a great plan to do that.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=kuno1chi;223539]You're doing a great thing by getting her favorite songs together...she would be so proud of you.[/QUOTE]
I hope you find all the songs you are looking for.
Hey girl, I just got caught up on your journal. So sorry to hear that your Grandmother passed on. Sending virtual hugs and all my best wishes to you!
Dinner: 1/2 lb burger with pepperjack and extra sharp cheddar cooked into it, topped with pepperjack, green beans sauteed in lard and toasted sesame oil with ginger sesame seasoning.
I've had a headache since about 7. Excedrin's kicking in.
Kev- I did enjoy my tres leches cake. Still waiting my mom to send me the list for the music. I've never actually looked for hymns (it actually runs counter to me, as I'm almost anti- religion. The things you do for love), so I don't know whether I'll be able to get them because they're public domain or if I'll have to acquire them.
Victoria- Thanks for the hugs. I've been needing them.
Feet are mostly healed, sunburn's gone. I got a haircut, something (kinda) different from what it was. 4" shorter, layered differently, front is different.
Victoria's last journal post reminded me:
I've helped the City surveyor with algebra (he's getting another degree) in the past. My former officemate mentioned that I was looking into tutoring. The surveyor called me and asked if I was still interested. Tonight, he's supposed to be talking to his wife and daughter (she needs geometry help) and getting their opinion on the idea. I may have my first student(s).
I think I'll take advantage of having no set schedule anymore and start really listening to my body's hunger cues and what I really need to eat that day. If that means crab (and crab is cheap enough) for breakfast, then I'm hauling my carcass to HEB for crab. If that means just berries that day, that's fine.
I also need to start working out more often. I'll only be in OK for less than 24 hrs, so I should be ok then. (heh, pun) This should be interesting.
Sounds like you have a good plan for what you need to do. Not having a set schedule is a good idea and it will keep your body guessing continually! Way to go!
The link Batty posted has been making me really think. I blame my past for how fucked up I am, how much I seek perfection. Shoot for the moon, land among the stars, yadayadabullshit. Truth be told, that past is a persona that no longer fits. How can it, when I'm 7 years out of that life? How can it, when I've released my burden to my mother and forgiven my father? Sure, I still try to wear it every once in a while, but it doesn't fit, too tight in some places and worn out in others. Kinda like the kid trying to wear a favorite shirt she outgrew 3 years ago. But the reach for perfection is something I've carried forward into every new persona, stitched it on like a favored patch. I try to be the cold hearted bitch most people expect from a woman in such a male dominated field. I try to be personable, even when inside I'm looking for the nearest dark corner to crawl into. I was alw.... no. I've been trying to unlearn not to show the "bad emotions," unlearn internalizing all my stress. That's a hard one to break. I consider this journal a safe haven, but even here, I put up the occasional facade and keep some secrets. I've been aiming for perfection for so long that there are places in my head where I'm not even sure if it's part of me or part of the facade. I'd like to say "I'm done with being perfect, I'm human too," but it just doesn't happen like that. It's a slow process, one that I work on everyday. When you control the head, you control the body. That's my mantra for that right now. Just trying to wrap my head around it, then I can follow it.
Naiad..... sounds likes like you have a lot going on inside..... I agree, trying to be "perfect" or worse yet, trying to meet what others call "perfect" in all aspects of life is just unreal and causes too much internal stress.... which can and will eventually leech out externally. I tried to live up to my father's expectation of perfect... hell, he was a Major General in the Air Force and it was "expected" of me to be perfect.... and when i didn't I was a disappointment or disappointed in myself..... I felt that same thing at times when I was in the military for 8 1/2 years, different jobs, relationships.... etc. What I found what works for me is.... I define what I deem perfect for myself and tell everyone else to piss off. I set attainable and realistic goals for myself. When I reach them great! Bonus! When I don't, I decide there and then if that goal is worth having and if it is worth the effort to negotiate through that obstacle.
Sometimes putting up the facade and holding some secrets is what keeps you safe and you know what? That is ok..... you don;t owe ANYONE any sort of explanation.... nadda, zilch.... You will eventually find the peace of self (mind, body & spirit) to that there is NO doubt.... and remember, a forged blade is strong.... but it must be heated and hammered to become even stronger and take shape. As the steel is folded upon itself it begins to find its true self and it takes on a spirit of its own.... ever look at a forged & folded steel blade? It is unique... there are NONE exactly like it.... it is a one of a kind..... just as YOU are!
Keep your head up!