As the pastor at our church has said several times, pray on it and let it go to God. Meaning, pray and forget about it. God knows your fears, ambitions, everything before you even mouth it. You just have to say it. God will answer your prayers when He thinks you are ready, not when you think you are ready. Faith is believing in the unknown, that's why to believe in God or any other higher power you have to have faith. Believe me, I was scared to death when I decided I wanted to believe in something. To believe in something you can't see, taste, touch, smell and hear is definitely nuts when you look at it from a scientific stand point, but I had to dive in off the deep end. Sometimes when we are at our lowest point is when God answers our prayers.
I think the heart of this is figuring out whether I believe the deity(ies) actually hold sway in my life. It's a question I've ignored since leaving my play with Wicca. How much do they mess with the events in my life? Are they hands off, watching me like a tv? Are they free range parents (hurt like hell, didn't it? what have we learned?) Are they helicopter parents, hovering and watching and having their hands all over everything? I like the parent idea, that rings true. I'm just not sure if they-re neglectful or helicopter, or that perfect balance for the wayward, bullheaded spawn.
The more I meditate on it, the more I see them as free range parents, the originators of unschooling. They let me run headlong, learning and doing and experimenting, but yanking me back to safety if I'm about to dive off a cliff of death instead of a staircase. They help, invisibly, when I'm not yelling and hollering "let me do it, I can do it!" Maybe most of my requests have been akin to the child asking for a candy bar at the checkout. Begging, pleading, occasionally throwing a fit, for something that I either shouldn't have at all or need to wait until a better time to have. I also know that if I try and give them complete control over my life, they just smile and say "nice try, get back to what you were doing."
I guess it's time to acknowledge, fully, the pantheon I have believed in since straying from Wicca.
There is the Mother, Mother Earth and Moon. She keeps you going when things fail. She will always listen, but will ignore a temper tantrum. She's always there for a hug, even when the rest of the world has turned it's back on me. She has never abandoned me; she has never used emotions as a weapon. She will calm you and ground you, but only after you have let loose your rage.
There is the Father, Father Time. He will pick you up and set your wounds healing. He will hold the bike steady when you learn something new. He will protect you, but indulge when you day you can do it yourself. He is a great teacher, and a great warrior. He is aloof and distant, yet there the instant you need him and can say as much. He hears the rage and fury and grief and wildfires of emotion, and cures it as only he can.
Then there are the Godparents, the advisers for the Mother and Father. They are the old spirits of the old ways.
Water, son of the south, is about patience, continuance, and never giving up. The Grand Canyon was not carved in a day and the Gulf will one day swallow Galveston for good. He counsels love and patience, but knows a storm is occasionally required. He can be a furious hurricane or a gentle babbling brook, and counsels the ability to shape to your situation and eventually wear it to your will.
Earth, daughter of the west, is steadfastness, eventuality, and growth. She is solid and wide, a connecting force between most everything. She counsels to wait and see, rather than constantly dashing yourself against the mountains. She is steadfast, constant, and thoroughly loyal. She also advocates the wild upheaval to release stress, but as a once and done thing, not a constant action.
Air is Earth's counterpart, the brother of the north. He is change, growth, and extreme actions. Air can be as calm as a gentle western breeze or the fury of a tornado. He relentlessly presses for change and the new and different. He is unstoppable, and advocates constant movement and thought, taking in the environment and adjusting your plans and thought to accommodate reality. He brings tidings, both good and bad, and will help you whip yourself into a rage or take that rage and channel it away from you on the wind, as you let him.
Fire is the counterpart of water, the sister of the east. She is hungry, always hungry. She will shed light on any situation, if only to watch it burn in her hands. She can be cleansing rage and depression, clearing a choked forest, or a furious housefire, leaving nothing but pain where it once stood. She counsels movement, always gathering more food for the possible flame, and embracing wildfire emotions as they come and go just as quickly.
To listen to any one of the Godparents alone invites trouble. You must gather counsel from each and determine a true course of action, consulting the Mother and Father when necessary.
As to my own faith and my own issues, it is obvious I have not been heeding the warnings of the Parents and been listening too closely to only one or two Godparents. I have acted the wayward toddler, refusing help on pouring the milk and spilling it in the process, time and again. I can see the Mother over my shoulder sitting on her haunches, waiting for me to acknowledge that maybe the jug is too heavy. Hmmm...
Geek's been sick with the flu all weekend. I appear to be in the clear on it, but I'm still trying to take care of him. I ate well enough Saturday. Friday, I didn't care about food, as I was still rage and fury, so I made myself eat some Little Caesar's. Sunday, I was more concerned about him retaining any food he ate, so I got some Arby's with bun and some french fries for me while picking up the only food he thought was appetizing and some ginger ale and ginger snaps. So, I ate like shit this weekend. It was bad enough we didn't even go over to the in-laws yesterday.
I found my peace again, after the previous post and some meditation in the tub. I also found hope and cautious (not rash) optimism. I'm a bit more clear headed now, as well, even with eating shitty food this weekend. This also coincided with watching a [URL="http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html"]TEDtalk[/URL] on body language and how faking a powerful stance can actually improve your mood, cortisol, and hormone levels, as well as making you feel more alpha, whereas adopting a weak stance will only exaggerate feelings of anxiety and discomfort, as well as driving up cortisol.
I've been implementing things discussed in the speech, and have noted what she talks about. I'm not sure if it's coming to grips with my faith or faking a more dominant pose, but I definitely feel better.
I'm halfway done with a baby blanket I'm making for an acquaintance. Given that this is the only thing not a scarf (granted my scarves tend to be fairly intricate) I've made since summer '08, I'm rather proud of it. I'm aiming to get it done in the next couple days, because her shower's on Saturday and I need to wash it and package it. I'm trying to think of a cutesy packing I could do that would be useful, as opposed to just a bag with tissue papers. I need to dive into my fabric bins, I might be able to whip up a tote with what I have. Or I may just reuse some of the packaging we have.
Today's [URL="http://cheapasschick.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-hairy-topic.html"]blog post[/URL] is a rather hairy topic.
Geez, trying to keep my own life from catapulting out of control and, man, do I get behind.
NaiadKnight, I am so glad they fired you -- because, man, you would have quit in a matter of days anyway, giving them a what for that only you can do so well. I mean, here's this lovely lady, with an intellectual, truck driver speaking capability, and they just simply would have never recovered if you'd given them what for. Although, if you'd had to do it, which you soon would have, I would have loved to have seen it. It wasn't even worth the paltry salary you were getting. You were miserable and they absolutely no frigging way appreciated you. I mean, I had fired them from somewhere about your Day 1 on the job.
Something better is out there, and no job is worth selling your soul -- so to speak. I know money is important, but you can't be miserable at your job. It's most of your waking life. I just would love to see you get something that would stimulate you and let you be your best.
They failed you totally. They suck.
I think, IMHO, that you have faith and belief. Just making it through what you have made it through shows that ever so clearly. For some reason, I'm thinking you might enjoy reading C. S. Lewis' THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS. It's about the uncle devil giving instructions to the nephew devil on prostelizing people to their side. It's well-done and well-written. Just thinking.
Might be worth getting up early Sunday -- really early -- and driving with Geek to your grandparent's church. Sounds like an adventure I could go for.
Thoughts with you on all fronts. Some peaceful times for you and Geek would be good. What are the job opportunities like where your grandparents' church is? Yeah, I know, you can't both be without jobs.
You are one tough lady.
My grandparents' church is a good 6 hrs away. That's not happening, moving or going there on a Sunday. The church itself has chenged since then, and I would be unwilling to attend a service there now. My grandmother is no longer alive and the church leadership has changed, as have my views. You can't back to the same river twice, y'know?
Thanks for that last compliment. I tend not to think of myself as such, but you're right.
I had a phone interview with another company earlier and a face to face interview with them Wed. It's for an environmental tech position. I apparently impressed them pretty well, because the hiring person on the phone made the face to face sound like a formality.
I also still have the civil engineer (for H&H!) interview on Friday still.
I'm truly hoping I get an offer from both, because I've never had to choose between 2 jobs I actually want (although it still wouldn't even be a choice, because, c'mon it's a freaking H&H postion in West Fucking TX!)
I wouldn't have given them a piece of my mind. I would've thought it, wrote it and deleted it, raged about it on here, but never told them. I'm too professional to do that. I didn't even tell them off when they fired me. It would've reflected badly on me and they expected it. They didn't deserve one of my epic tell offs.
Excellent point. You're right. They didn't deserve the epic tell off. But, I can still imagine it in my mind. Yes, you would have quit professionally. And their loss is our gain. I'm glad they didn't get what they expected. Sounds like they're playing games -- of an evil sort, or they're just incredibly stupid.
Oh, yeah, same river twice doesn't work. Kind of like going back to see that childhood home and they've razed it to the ground. Well, there will be new jobs, new places, new churches, and new ideas, and you can look forward to them all!
I ate the last of the pizza last night. Everything above the tits hurts to high heaven if I move it (or not, in the case of my head), as well as my lower back. You'd think I learned this lesson.
Today I need to fill out the official app for the interview tomorrow, find my black suit pieces (pants tomorrow, skirt Fri) and figure out which of my 5 million blue button ups I'm wearing on which interview. I also need to work on my SERs for the P&P application and possibly rip some dead shit out of the backyard. Still have no clue what to do about the dying fruitless mulberry, leaving that one to Geek and his dad.
I realized yesterday that there's a good chance we may not be able to go down to Dallas for Thanksgiving, because I may not have the time or seniority to request that Friday off. That in turn made me realize I'd hafta tell Mom, which made me curl up into a tiny ball of powerlessness. Giving Mom bad news like that invites guilt trip like only a travel company can offer. After all these years, her guilt tripping and drama still trip an alarm in me. Each time she went off the deep end and ran off or went for suicide, it was because she'd received news about or from one of us kids. Even though she's supposedly better now, I still dislike telling her bad news. At the same time, I was raised that you don't send in lackeys (or Dad) to do your dirty work. Damnedif you do, damned if you don't. Fuck it. I'll burn that bridge later, it's too early to be borrowing trouble from late November.[B]
Something's got me anxious today, nervous. Not the above issue or the interviews, something else. Maybe if I can finish this baby blanket and get my interview prep done, it'll go away.
You can put off "bad" news, definitely a bit early for that :). It can be hard to see clearly with situations like that, but remember that you CAN ask for help. I don't think it's weak-willed for you to ask someone to take a burden for you. It won't cost them anything, and you'll get some relief.
I had a thought just now. "The weather is anxious." Something weird about the change in seasons, I guess. Deep breaths in fresh air help.
[QUOTE=namelesswonder;974161]"The weather is anxious." [/QUOTE]
The owls are not what they seem.