International Paleo Movement Group, I think.
I'm not on there, as yet. Just sent a request for the group, though.
Jenn, I'll send you a fb message so you know which one I am.
Maybe I didn't see it there. Are you a member of Badass Paleo Bitches by chance? lol Funny name but great group of women.
Nevermind... I'm a goof. I didn't connect the dots.
I tend to shy away from Paleo groups because I DEFINITELY use dairy. Most Paleo hardasses get uppity if you call yourself paleo and use dairy. So, I tend to stick to using the word primal.
Today started off so wonderfully. Now, it's gone even further down the shitter, no one seems to give a fuck what I think (and I'm the goat fucknig PROGRAMMER), and I need to kill something because my stress levels and anxiety are through the goddammed roof. To top it all off, the damn dog is still trying to break into the fucking patio. I need to cry, kill something, or get violent, because nonviolence and happy meditation is NOT gonig to work here.
I came [SIZE=1]this [/SIZE]close to telling Owner off and walking away from this overstressed, underpaid shit hole of a job.
I came home and took a nap with Geek, in the hopes of getting my emotions back on an even keel. It kinda worked. I'm no longer furious. I am rationalizing away legitimate "bad" emotions though, which is something that is a known glitch. Anyways, now I'm feeling vulnerable and kinda like I want to cry, but don't have enough emotional build up yet, since I rationalized away my rage.
Side note for those who don't understand how/ why I rationalize away emotions, possibly triggering:
I grew up in a home where most emotions that weren't positive emotions were not approved. To show any negative emotion, such as anger, jealousy, or sadness when not at a funeral, would net you, at best, a guilt trip or a spanking or, at worst, having to hunt down Mom because you drove her to another suicidal brink and she ran off. My coping mechanisms became twofold, depending on the emotion involved. If it was something that tears would act as a band-aid on, I would shove it into a special place in my head and lock it down, then, when I found a safe time to cry, I would let them out and sob my heart out. Needless to say, letting them fester like that doesn't help in the least. If tears couldn't help, or I didn't think I could get the alone time to cry, I would rationalize it away. I would go through the emotion and give reasons/ make up bullshit as to why it shouldn't exist, and therefore I shouldn't feel it. In effect, I squelch the emotions into a teeny tiny ball and locked them into a cage in my brain. They then fester and rot until they break free, causing a meltdown, an explosion, or fury over the tiniest thing.
Positive emotions, while allowed, were only to be expressed in certain ways. If I were to be happy over a new game or passing a major exam, it had to be subdued, lest it seem like bragging and bring on punishment. Even during major mile markers in my life where one should be allowed to be joyous, like graduation or my first date, I still had to maintain "decency" and "dignity," showing emotion only in a Sean Connery James Bond like fashion. So, I learned to squelch that, and rationalize away some of my happiness by counterbalancing it with my own internal guilt trip. If I felt it a valid positive emotion, I'd file it away to be felt later. If it was a less than approved overly positive emotion, especially schadenfreude, it got squelched and rationalized into a teeny tiny ball and locked in a cage.
Because I lived in a world of only grey emotions, seeing others react naturally, without censoring or filtering, fills me with a sense of pride ("how childish, can't they control it like me?"), embarassment, and jealousy. I'm trying to get back to actually allowing myself to feel emotions, as they come, with no filter, no filing, no rationalizing, no squelching. I'm trying to convince myself that all my emotions are valid and I can't get that through my head. It's kinda like Good Will Hunting (one of my favorite movies) and the scene where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon over and over that it's not his fault. I'm doing that to myself with a myriad of things I'm trying to fix. This one is so deeply engrained that I laugh at it internally every time I hear it. "You can feel that." Yeah fucking right. Rationalizing it away is just too easy. I catch myself doing ti at times I never would've thought I would. At my own wedding, I squelched some of my joy so I could make sure it didn't hurt anyone else. When my mother threatened to off herself in front of me, I didn't say what was going through my head or note how it was affecting me until 10 years later. When my boss is being a moron at work, I don't validate my own opinions, only let him or her have their moment of "I'm right, you're wrong." It fucking hurts to invalidate your own damn emotions.
My head hurts like it's trying to develop a migraine, joints I didn't even know existed are screaming at me, and I feel sick. I know tension can manifest itself this way in me. Unfortunately, the best way for me to relieve tension right now would be to go home sick and have a full veg day. Tomorrow, body. Tomorrow, we can rest.
Went to bed around 1115 and slept like the dead. Woke up to my alarm at 6 and still feel dead. Could use 24 hrs in bed in a row, it feels like.
[/B]Fought a strong urge to call in sick today. I feel sick, but I know it's tension and stress (unless it's West Nile.) Fighting a strong urge to tell Owner exactly what I think of him and his "brilliant" ideas. Depression is trying to come back, but, again, I know that's a product of stress and tension.[B]
FTS. I really don't care about how it digests right now so long as it stays down.[B]
[/B]Dinner last night was steak, shrimp, baked potato with sour cream and butter, and half a dinner roll. Idly wondering if the dinner roll might be causing some inflammation and joint pain or if it's Mother Nature saying "hi."
Getting out of bed was more exercise than I wanted.
I hope the mental crap eases up for you soon :( The weekend is nigh!
Your dinner sounds rad. I haven't had a baked potato with sour cream and butter in forever. I just started eating potatoes again, so maybe that will have to happen.