Well, I'm back... sooner than expected! I feel like a bit of an idiot, but this journal is an outlet for me, and I clearly need it.
Firstly: thank you. I'm really, really touched that you guys wrote such thoughtful responses, and took the time to read my stupid wailing. Every reply really, really touched my heart.
Secondly, I decided not to relapse. Well, I rescued the measuring tape from the bin, I didn't eat yesterday, or today, but I've come through slaughter and realised how stupid this is. I'm having a nectarine now, and I will eat tomorrow.
Thirdly, I've realised that, relapsing is impossible, because in truth, I hadn't recovered. My behaviours changed, and I was allowing myself to eat but, give or take a few weeks, my thoughts were consistently obsessive and neurotic, and my mood is influenced by what I see in the mirror. And sadly, the best thing I think when I see myself is "Oh. I don't look [B]that[/B] bad..."
Having done this N=1, I can see this is not a nutritional problem. Sure, the years of chronic deprivation and yo-yo diets didn't do me any favours, but it was actually reading the ED thread on Bodybuilder.com (thank Ci!) that made me see the light. All these people, allowing ED to tear their minds and bodies apart. Maybe it's nutritional, maybe it's hormonal, but where does it really start?
I have rage issues, and I hate myself, and I project this onto every aspect of my life. Nothing works out, everything becomes a source of pain and frustration, no one is good enough, especially not me. The stress generated from this perpetual cycle haunts me at every turn, keeps me up at night, and I turn to what soothes me: food. As we know from Ray Peat, sugar lowers stress, and most food lowers mine.
The problem is that anything stresses me. The act of living upsets me. I have such beautiful ideals, but not-so-deep-down, I am angry, petty, and pissed off. I believe that I'm a despicable person, not worthy of love, not worth more than a body which can be used, possessed, disposed of. All the treasures inside my heart turn to dust as soon as I allow them to breathe life.
There's a great quote from Game of Thrones where it's said: "there's a beast in every man and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand." Luckily I have not turned to raping and pillaging, but I know the savage beast, and the only thing that soothes that soothes it for me is a tub of cottage cheese, or a pineapple, or whatever else I'm stuffing my face with at the time :p Very occasionally I will unleash my wrath upon someone I know, but usually I box it inside. I used to cry every time I went for therapy, and bad then it felt like the pain had no beginning, no end, that it was a vortex woven into my soul, and nothing could extricate me.
I'm glad to say I'm not in such a bad way anymore. But still, there is the relentless self hatred that colours everything in my life.
I don't really know where to go from here. I am aware that modifying behaviours isn't going to help me. How do you generate enough self love to accept yourself, and enough respect to allow yourself to give yourself what you need? I know none of us have these answers, or else we would all be enlightened, and probably every one struggles with these thoughts on occasion. Fortunately they are not my default setting anymore (since taking the progesterone really) but I do feel them creeping in on a daily basis.
Weirdly, it does make me feel better to vocalise here that most of the time I feel like a petty bitch, tortured by the guilt of y own inadequacies.
I'm really sorry for the heavy load again, and I completely understand if no one replies (particualry since I didn't even respond properly to your other, lovely responses - I will!). I'm hoping that no one too judgemental has drifted in, because no one really needs to read these inane things that I need to write out.
I'm not always very good at responding to heavy feels, so I apologise in advance if this suggestion seems trite. If you have rage-turning-inward problems, how about finding an outlet for turning rage outward? The first thing that came to mind was to take up boxing. The fact that the ethos of fighting is so far away from the love-peace-oneness of, say, yoga might actually be a release.
Just a thought.
[QUOTE=badgergirl;1260179]I'm not always very good at responding to heavy feels, so I apologise in advance if this suggestion seems trite. If you have rage-turning-inward problems, how about finding an outlet for turning rage outward? The first thing that came to mind was to take up boxing. The fact that the ethos of fighting is so far away from the love-peace-oneness of, say, yoga might actually be a release.
Just a thought.[/QUOTE]
Thnks for dropping in Badger :) It doesn't feel like a trite suggestion at all! Actually, I only just started working out properly, and I'm loving the sprinting. I do it a good few times a week, and I feel the feeling of my feet pounding the ground. You could be right about a martial art. I want to kick the shit out of something :p Funny, I never realised I had rage issues until a few days ago. I could have been going completely the wrong way (gentle, loving) for years.
I was going to suggest boxing or something like that. [[hugs]] again because you do deserve them. I hope we meet someday because you sound like an amazing person.
Hey YogaBare, I'm glad you have this forum as an outlet. When I read your writings, sometimes I can see me in your how you describe yourself. You are very good at expressing your feelings through your words. I don't really know what to say except... I understand.
Hey, Yo, when you come to California, I'll actually give you a hug and we can talk about feels together.
I think a lot of people have problems just [i]letting[/i] go, for whatever reason. It's obsession that makes us all miserable. Obsession to please others, ourselves, to find an answer to everything, even if it's looking in nothing.
It's sad, because, I told you before, you have a lovely face, and the smile you wear on it only accentuates that. So, smile more friend. Even if you think you can't find anything to smile about, make it a habit.
Hey Yoga, I'm not that good with words, so I wanna echo what they all said.
You are one beautiful person inside and out, and you have helped me personally tons!
Thank you, friend!!!
Be as nice to yourself as you are to everyone else, okay?
I totally did not get the upside down stick figure = OK, but that's ok. No need to explain.
Yeah, you can call me dense :D
[QUOTE=Derpamix;1260293]So, smile more friend. Even if you think you can't find anything to smile about, make it a habit.[/QUOTE]
When things were really, really bad (I was sobbing on the train and hoping no one would intrude - lo, no one did) I used to force myself to smile in the shower. It wasn't much, but it did help.
[QUOTE=badgergirl;1260307]When things were really, really bad (I was sobbing on the train and hoping no one would intrude - lo, no one did) I used to force myself to smile in the shower. It wasn't much, but it did help.[/QUOTE]
Yeah, it helps me a little bit too. I usually smiled about nothing, then it made me laugh, for whatever reason, I would then laugh a lot, and problems melted away. I have a lot of ideas about escapism, but it's not always the solution. I think just thinking of the people that will always have your back, even if you may not even know them well, or they may be really far away, can do wonders for your well-being.
Sorry to hear about that, I hope you're better now. It's sad how self-absorbed people are too.
Be as nice to yourself as you are to everyone else, okay?
I think this some of the best advice I've heard for you in a while (not that everyone's advice isn't valuable).
You treat everyone with such thoughtfulness, patience, and kindness, but not yourself. I don't know how else to phrase this but.... you aren't special. None of us are, I mean. I'm not special and neither is anyone else on this forum or in this universe so why do you treat yourself like you're so different? Why don't you deserve the same kindness and respect that you clearly think everyone else deserves?
(You know I like to play the rough card)