Sunday march 3rd
[U]Days without Gluten:[/U] 16
[U]Days without Added Sugar:[/U] 0 (damn that coffee!)
[U]Days I've Exercised (this month):[/U] 3/3
[U]Days Until Vacation:[/U] 29
[B]sleep[/B] over the weekend, I slept okay. Slept soundly and heavily, woke up after 8-10hours each day.
[B]supplements:[/B] BCAAs, fiber, Miralax, magnesium, l-glutamine, zinc, raw food multi, aloe caps, digest gold. I feel okay, but have gas/bloating after breakfast today. Maybe dairy? Eggs?
[B]WOD:[/B] strength training push day. Hope to try some power lifts today! Also 1 mile sprint (aiming for 6 mins!)
b: coffee and mixed nut milk, stevia.
L: 2 oz salmon, 1 T cream cheese, 1 kumato tomato, 1 egg + egg whites, 2 strawberries, macadamia nut oil. BCAAs + maca and peanut powder, stevia, a few T applesauce. Also a mouthful of blood orange juice.
Post workout snack: 2% Fage, 1/2 banana, 1 85% cacao square, PB2, stevia, honey.
Dinner: roasted eggplant, sautéed carrots & mushrooms, BAS with wilted greens, avocado, kumato tomato, prosciutto, HB egg, red onion, and maybe 2 tiny purple potatoes. Also nibbled a bit of pan roasted chicken breast.
After dinner, I had 1 85% cacao square and a teensy bit of peanut butter.
1. Peanut Butter
3. Reduced fat cream cheese
I am very determined to be in amazing shape for my vacation. I want to exercise every day, work hard and eat healthy. I want to be strong, not skinny. Like... Bench press a bear strong. I no longer believe than thinness equals beauty, which is a great thing. I want muscles, definition, tone, energy. Starving myself won't get me that! The best way to my ideal body is to eat healthy and stress-free, exercise in some form every day, and not worry about the number on the scale. I think happiness and confidence are much more beautiful than low self esteem no matter how good you look.
I am looking forward to the challenge of this coming month and will be pleasantly rewarded with health and passion for my primal life. :)
Had a great workout today, and tried to eat a few more calories after I came home.
I weighed myself today, too, but did not measure bf%. Last time I weighed on February 13th, I was 108 lbs, but today on March 3rd I am 105lbs. The higher weight could have been fluid retention, PMS symptoms, or just food weight. However, the lower weight today could be a result of my system being thoroughly "cleaned out" *ahem* very early this morning... So I'm not sure. I'm still afraid to weigh myself more regularly even though I have access to a body fat calculator and a scale on nearly an every day basis. I am just scared that the bf calculations are wrong, or my weight will seem too high for me. I absolutely do not want to go into a relapse... I love all the muscle I've put on-- nearly 9lbs of muscle in 2 months. I really feel that the protein powder seriously contributed to getting results more quickly, but every protein powder seems to hurt my stomach, give me gas, bloating, and make me not want to do anything, which is not good for working out.
I also really reallllllly want to start powerlifting, even though my boyfriend thinks that I'll injure myself and am not strong enough for these exercises yet. However, I am leaps and bounds ahead of what I once was, and feel that I could start powerlifts at a relatively low weight, go slowly, and work on perfect form before trying to add heavier weights. I love working out, but I love fast results even more :) which is why I think I should switch up my routin a little, since ive been at nearly the same "push" day "pull" day for over 6 weeks. I just think that my body needs a bit more of a surprise!
[B]Goals for this Week:[/B]
1. Lift weights 3x
2. Power yoga or resistance bands 2-3x
3. Sprint/run 6 miles
4. Keep carb count >100g on yoga days, ~100g weight training days, between 100-120 on sprint days
5. Aim for 100g protein every day
6. Have sex/ relieve stress EVERY day :)
7. Go with the flow, relax, accept things I cannot change and just be happy to simply be.
8. Avoid sugar and honey. Lessen dependency on stevia.
~self love, healthy habits, positive energy, gratuity, passion, love, light. Namaste.~
[B]Starting Weight:[/B] 85lbs (December 2012)
[B]Body Fat Percentage:[/B] 5%
[U]January 1, 2013[/U]
[B]Body Fat Percentage:[/B] 8%
[U]February 1, 2013:[/U]
[B]Body Fat Percentage:[/B] 10%
[U]March 3, 2013:[/U]
[B]Body Fat Percentage:[/B] estimated ~12%
*************************************will update monthly or bi-monthly***************************************
Monday March 4th
Days without Gluten: 17
Days without Added Sugar: 0... A bit of honey added to BCAAs
Days I've Exercised (this month): 4/4
Days Until Vacation: 28
[B]Sleep:[/B] slept soundly without waking up during the night (from what I remember) Slept a full 9 hours.
[B]Supplements:[/B] AM: 1 l-glutamine, raw food multis, 2 digest gold. PM will be: 2 aloe, 4 fiber, 2 magnesium, 1.8-2 Miralax, digest gold before meal.
B: coffee with mixed nut milk, stevia.
L: 2 homemade sushi rolls with cauliflower rice, shredded carrots, avocado slices, wasabi mayo, 2oz. smoked salmon, and black sesame seeds. Instant miso soup and shoyu on the side.
D: 4 oz. beef kofta kebabs, grilled tomatoes, eggplant, mushrooms, and onions with homemade yogurt sauce.
Snack: 4 oz 2% Fage with maca cacao powder, PB2, egg whites, and stevia. 1 85% cacao square with a teensy bit of PB.
1. Slenderize Fuze Fruit Punch (1 bottle mixed with Pelligrino)~10 cals
2. PB2, peanut butter. (less than 2 T) ~50 cals
3. Instant Miso soup, shoyu soy sauce (just enough to dip) ~ 5 cals
4. Fat free vegan mayo (1 tablespoon in sushi rolls) ~15 cals
5. Japanese dried squid snack (just a little!) ~ 20 cals
Total calories today: ~1100
Non-Primal %: 9.1% (100 cals)
[B]WOD:[/B] resistance band training. Still learning how to use it properly. Sent about an hour messing with the resistance bands/working out/looking up videos for ideas. Not sure how I feel about the bands, I prefer free weights and yoga as of now.
Tomorrow will be yoga class with lacy (maybe) or weight training! Wish I could powerlift. Pouty lip for no power lifts. Hmph.
Today is disgustingly boring. And sad. I had a nervous breakdown over my sister messaging me, and now bob is angry with me for making his food "too big." I just can't make anyone happy. I listen to him day in and day out, let him sleep, did a workout routine at home instead of going to the gym, tried to not cry for too long with my sibling related anxiety, and just be as happy and laid back as possible. I guess today was destined to suck. It [I]is[/I] Monday after all. I just don't get it. Im trying to be positive, but I am just fucking failing. I got a lot of my goals done today, including working out, and following my meal plan, sort of. I haven't had any dairy or grains today, so that's good. I may crack open the Fage for dinner tonight, though. As far as dairy goes though, it certainly isn't the worst.
Today, I worked out, I relieved stress in positive ways, I was adaptive to changes of plans, and try to appease those around me as much as possible. All of this stuff is great. Why do I feel like crap?
Answer: because I didn't eat enough! I feel in a much better mood after a big ass meal of meat, veggies, and butter. ^___^
Tuesday march 4th
Last night, I binged on sweet foods, indulged in honey, peanut butter, and chocolate, but still stayed gluten free. I did eat quite a lot, but I haven't been eating too much lately so I think it'll even out. It might even benefit my body a little and help me gain some more muscle. Also, with the few lbs I've lost over the past month without trying, I'm honestly not stressing it too much. Today, I ate when I was decidedly hungry, without counting calories, feeling anxious, or trying to restrict.
[B]Sleep:[/B] 9-10 hours of sound sleep, even though my tummy was so full!
[B]Supplements:[/B] raw food multis, 2 l-glutamine, 3 aloe, 2 Miralax, 5 fiber, 2 magnesium, 3-4 digest gold, BCAAs
B: Xyience energy drink, a nibble of smoked salmon, a couple strawberries.
L: a banana, PB2, peanut butter, macadamia oil, BCAAs
D: 4oz. Beef kebabs, grilled onion, mushrooms, and zucchini skewers, roasted kumato tomato w/ greens, avocado, and shredded carrots.
S: 3 85% cacao squares, 1 cup almond+protein milk with maca cacao, PB2 + coconut flour + egg whites + honey + peanut butter + macadamia oil, a few strawberries, Fuze Slenderize.
[B]WOD:[/B] sprint .60 miles in 5 minutes, lat pulls, hamstring pull, shoulder shrugs, bicep curls, adduction, leg lifts (abs).
[B]What I Accomplished:[/B]
2. Relieved stress
3. Cooked delicious dinner
[B]What I'd Like to Accomplish:[/B]
1. More house cleaning
2. Paint my nails
3. Cardio day
4. Get out of the house more
5. Spend time with friends more
6. Enjoy anniversary tomorrow
8. Relieve stress
9. Adapt to changes easily
10. Spread positivity over every endeavor of my life, even the not so great parts.
Tomorrow is my 4 year anniversary. So much has changed in those 4 years, but things are still great. This past year was definitely the hardest on our relationship, but now that the rough patch is done, I can confidently say that we are even closer, and stronger now. Now that my passion, vibrancy, and happiness are here to stay, we can look forward to a much happier time together. On our anniversary, I'd like to remember how we learned from each shared experience, positive or negative. I want the love of my life to know just how thankful I am for his patience with me during my sickness and depression, and that I truly want to thank him for literally saving my life during those hard times. If he hadn't stuck by me this past year, I could very well be still falling to the darkest point in my life. Instead, he continued to love me and show me the way to happiness and balance in my life with changes to my habits. Yes, there were sacrifices that were difficult and still are, but I understand they were vital for my health. This year, I really don't know what I could possibly do to show appreciation for my boyfriend. The things he has done for me, to help me, are above and beyond anything I could ever give him. The only way I can show my love for him is to stay by his side, supporting him in whatever he does, and try to give encouragement, positivity, and advice whenever he needs it. Yeah, this is all pretty sappy, but it's honestly true. He gives so much to me, there is no way I can thank him enough with one anniversary day.
The only thing I can do is remind myself every day of how much he has helped me, given to me, and loved me, and try my best to give back, and show just as much support if he ever needs it. He is so strong, though, so much stronger than me, I doubt he will ever be in such a position to need that amount of motivation to get back on his feet (which I am so thankful for.) I can only wait and see what tomorrow brings. I'm definitely not going to ask him to take me out, or do anything for me. I want to do everything for him, he deserves it. He deserves to have the world.
4 year anniversary :)
Today I am celebrating. I am forgetting the stress and anxiety over food/restaurants. I am forgetting the discomfort with being in the house most of the day and feeling lazy. I am doing what makes bobby happy, and going with the flow. I am happy with the way life has turned out up to this point and am going to show my appreciation for life! I had fun with my snowy day by playing video games, doing sexy yoga in a cute outfit a la anniversary, cuddled with my love, loved my love, mad e lunch for both of us, and lazed about. Today, I am not worried about my future. I am confident that my actions in the past have lead up to this moment, and I will savor my happiness and confidence in my relationship today.
I was too sick to do anything with it.[img]http://www.web-music.info/1.jpg[/img]
Lately, I've had both victories and failures. Lets start with the victories...
1. Consumed no bread at dinner last night-- and the capital grille has amazing table bread!
2. Aiming for as much exercise as I can, but I'm still sore.
3. Focusing on love and acceptance, forgiving myself
And now, on to the failures...
1. Eating a lot of sugar, cream cheese, honey, PB2, coconut flour, and peanut butter...oy.
2. Haven't been getting enough slow movement, but this is because I have been focusing on love and acceptance, which entails going with the flow and not forcibly going out for a walk with my bf every day.
3. Feeling the urge, sometimes, to restrict because my appetite has been so insatiable lately. It also worries me that I am slowing down with exercises because of muscle soreness and I have a fear of gaining.
4. Have been inconsistent about my AM vitamins. Maybe it'd help with the insatiable hunger, but ever since I got so nauseous taking them on an empty stomach I've been wary of them.
25 days till vacation. That means a little over three weeks. I am actually happy with my body, right now, but for some reason I feel that unless I continue to work my ass off every single day and strive for NO grains and NO sugar, my body will instantly turn into a fat blob. This way of thinking unfortunately causes me to have added stress and binge, which just makes this whole thing a vicious cycle. I don't know what to do. If I ease up on my eating rules, I feel I might go crazy on whatever foods I want. If I ease up on my exercise, I might fall off the wagon. I can't exercise even more at the moment though because I can feel that my body can't handle it. I'm sore all over! Seems I've painted myself into a corner. I'm going to try and implement a few goals into my week to help me get out of this stalemate:
1. Eat more real foods. More full meals when I'm hungry instead of going into the kitchen time after time after time to get teacup sized portions of something inevitably less healthy than a large, satisfying meal.
2. Use the massager, stretch out more, move more, clean more. My body needs to keep moving or else I'll get into this stiff rut and not wanna do anything. I can't lift heavy things or sprint unless my body feels good about it.
3. Meditate more, especially in the evenings, when I am so very weak and prone to binging. If I stick to #1, the meditation will seal in my willpower, because I truly will not be hungry.
Friday march 8th
[B]Sleep:[/B] 3-11:30. Did not feel refreshed. Too much sugar lately.
[B]Supplements:[/B] 2 l-glutamine, 3 raw food multi. 1 digest gold before meal.
[B]WOD:[/B] didn't do anything today. Yesterday's WOD was pretty good, and my muscles have been sore. I'm so tired, and today was the only day this month that I didn't do any form of exercise. I'm not sure if its correlated, but maybe that's why I'm so tired today. I hate sitting around all day, though. It makes me disgusted with myself for being so lazy.
[B]Diet:[/B] oh god, I've been eating so much lately. I most likely consumed 2500+ calories yesterday. I am so ashamed, I couldn't satisfy my hunger. And I didn't even try to resist the sugar and peanut butter cravings yesterday. Today I feel like such a failure, from yesterday's moment of weakness. Today, however, I made sure to take enough l-glutamine, and whether its a placebo effect, the fact that I had so much yesterday, or a combination of both, it seems to be working.
Breakfast was just a black coffee. Lunch was a random compilation of a can of water-packed sardines, 1.5 oz avocado, 100g jicama, some water chestnuts, dry fried prosciutto, and salsa.
I had a few cravings for PB and a hot chocolate, but I've resisted. Honestly, though, most of this week has just made me feel out of control. I don't know why I feel the need to eat 2 bananas, an entire avocado, 2 cups of applesauce, spoonfuls of peanut butter, cream cheese, multiple tablespoons of honey, pork chops and lamb chops, etc.... (Yesterday's intake)
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to ask for help. I can't ask for help. Everyone congratulates me for eating so much these days, but emotionally, it's still not healthy. People don't realize that just because I'm not sickly, deathly thin doesn't mean that I now have a healthy relationship with food. Either I eat 500-800 calories a day, or I eat nonstop all day and easily break 2500. I'm not really worried about my body. I am not dissatisfied with my body. I am dissatisfied with my behavior with food, my mindset. I don't even know what's normal. I mean, I can understand calorie cycling, but this is different, this is unhealthy. It's also unhealthy that I can not be happy unless I exercise. If it were up to me, I'd be excessively exercising for hours everyday. The only thing that keeps me from doing this is the fact that I have to be mindful of the time I spend there since I get a ride from bobby and he gets bored. He doesn't seem that unhappy, but I don't want to absolutely run myself down with working out. I'm in a vicious cycle, wanting to work out, not wanting to eat/binge, being hungry from working out... It's taking over my life. I want help, I can't go to therapy. I can only help myself. But so far, I feel like I'm falling down. Ugh. March Madness has taken on a whole new meaning.
Saturday March 9
.... was frustrating as fuck. But let's start with the good things.
It was beautiful out and so I got to wear SHORTS! and it made me feel good. Went grocery shopping and got compliments on my physique and my outfit. Sounds conceited and shallow but people telling you that you look good [I]always[/I] helps. I had sex twice, which was okay I guess. The first time was to quench the bf's "thirst" and the second was to calm my anxiety and get my mind off of things, but unfortunately, it didn't last long enough to soothe me, so I was still in an irritated mood.
Frustrating things included waiting around a loooong time to go work out at the gym (positive note: BAS in a bowl previously used for munching on popcorn -- yup. HUGE.) while my bf took a 3 hour nap. Naps are cool, but I was being impatient and ready to go! By the time we got to the gym, it was CLOSED. Like, locked doors, all the lights out. I forgot that it closes early on weekends. I was already irritated and looking to blow off some steam, so that just sent me through the roof. I wanted to throw shit. I took a few deep breaths and just looked up some bodyweight crossfit stuff at home. That lasted about 15 minutes of constant exercise before I got tired of it. Exercising at home is just simply not the same. I'm not as motivated. Not sure why? Maybe it's the fact that I can do whatever I want at my house, but when I physically go to a gym, I am there for only one thing. Whatever. Then, I tried to make some grain-free "corn" bread, but it came out disgusting. Like, I've never made anything so awful in my life. I followed the recipe but it was still bullshit. So I ate my lovely turkey-beef chili with avocados and ate a little ... "dessert" of peanut butter, coconut flour, and a bit of honey/stevia. Slightly ridiculous. I feel like I didn't need to eat that and it was fatty. But, considering how stressed I felt and the way I've [I]been[/I] eating the past few days, it didn't even come close to my binging proportions. But, still, today, I woke up feeling fatter than ever. The past few days have been ridiculous, hopefully I'm calming down now.
Sunday March 10
Today was a lot better than yesterday. It was even more beautiful outside, and I got to enjoy it by taking a mile or so walk around the neighborhood. I also got to the gym before it closed, got a few things done around the house, and ate a healthy meal.
[B]Sleep:[/B] Sleep was weird because of spring forward, so I went to bed at like 6 am and woke up at 1pm. Eww. Gotta fix that.
[B]Supplements:[/B] Raw food multi, Digest gold, (4) 1 billion probiotics supplement. Later I'll have 2 magnesium, 2 more l-glutamines, 3 aloes, 4 fibers, 2 miralax, and maybe more probiotics.
[B]WOD:[/B] Today was the first time I ever exercised in a fasted state. It was okay but I was a bit lightheaded toward the end. I did a pull day, and sprinted 1 mile in 5:23. I was amazed, lol. I kind of pussied out on the last set of shoulder shrugs and bicep curls, but I did try a few bench presses! Crossing my fingers to start on squats and deadlifts, soon, too.
[B]Diet:[/B] Breakfast was just a black coffee, and then after my workout, I had 180g chicken breast with barbeque sauce, some steamed broccoli, and roasted purple potatoes and zucchini. I'll probably want a snack later, but I have no idea what i'll eat. If I'm not hungry, though, I'll just deal with the extreme deficit today because of all of the "above maintenance" days I've been having.
For some reason, I'm already so sleepy, even though I haven't been awake that long. Unfortunately, I have been feeling a little tickle in my throat, which I hope is NOT a sickness coming on. Maybe if I just try to fall asleep earlier and keep my diet in check, it won't be able to fully flourish. I can't afford to be sick, I've got workouts to do! I also have short-term goals, for tomorrow. Looking too far into the future is what I suspect caused me to feel so stressed out all last week.
These are in no particular order...
1. Have a HIIT sprinting elliptical day
2. Go see the new Wizard of Oz movie (and bring a Primal snack!)
3. Finish up endless laundry
4. try to move around a little more instead of sitting around. I wish Tekken had a kinect version, haha.
I was trying to come up with more, but overdoing it can just be intimidating. That's it for today, unless I decide to come back online to express some emotions that can't be solved with late-night eating. ^___^