Overcoming BED and EDNOS
I'm starting a journal to hold myself accountable as I commit to a month of conscious healing behavior. I've swung back and forth with my weight and disordered eating for too many years, and now, at my highest weight in ages, am miserable. Not only because of the undeniable physical changes, but because of the mental weakness and/or failing they embody.
I weighed 160 lbs on December 9th, and this morning, clocked in at a solid 181. This is not holiday bloat, but the result of a collapse back into debilitating, humiliating binging. I gained the bulk of those 20 lbs in December, and have see-sawed up and down 5 lbs all through January. Despite a setback over the weekend, I will hold myself accountable to the 'happy food rules' and low carb paleo eating plan that I know from experience make me feel amazing. I will keep my gaze up and utilize all of the support and resources available to me, and get 3 solid weeks of positive behavior and change under my belt.
My 'happy food rules' look a lot like a Whole 30, with a few EDNOS healing tactics added.
- measure and plan each meal
-eat only at the table
-mindfulness while eating
-some form of feel-good exercise every day
And I will take extra care to avoid triggers that never fail to send me off the deep end.
-no booze, at all, of any kind, ever.....ever!
-no dried fruit
I hope that maintaining this log of my journey will prove therapeutic and a bolstering source of strength and resolve. I'll be honest about my efforts and failings. I can make changes, and get back to feeling really good.
If you've read this far, good on you. I'll be back later.
I consciously ate fewer calories today, as I'm coming off a binge/booze bender over from Saturday night through Sunday afternoon. I was dealing with digestive distress all day, and am heading to the gym now for a feel good dance class.
b- 1 hard boiled egg
l- giant salad with romaine and mixed greens, grilled chicken, green peppers, kalamata olives, red wine vinegar
d- 2 1/2 cups cabbage and celery soup in homemade bone broth
I hate the fact that I spend Monday through Wednesday of most weeks recovering from a weekend of self abuse. Ugh. I can stay on track most week days, but wide open weekends are so difficult for me.
Today was another low calorie day. I'm craving booze and bad carbs like a crazy person. I haven't had an extended relapse into non-primal foods in almost a year. I'd binge on primal foods, or have the odd cheat day every few months, but nothing like the past few months. I really am taking it one day at a time, so that I can get a whole week of good behavior under my belt.
b- 3 eggs scrambled in a tsp of ghee
l- giant salad with romaine and mixed greens, grilled chicken, green peppers, kalamata olives, banana peppers,red wine vinegar
d- 3 cups cabbage and celery soup in homemade bone broth
I went to the gym tonight, and it felt really good to break a sweat, then crank out some push-ups. I know I feel better mentally and physically AND emotionally when I follow my 'plan'. I'm getting sick of the salad bar at work, so I'll cook and portion some steak and squash for the rest of the week.
If I keep plodding forward, it will get easier, and I will feel better.
I woke up with lots of energy today after sleeping soundly through the night. Calms Forte is truly amazing. I'm heading to a dance class later, and looking forward to that all day kept me from plotting how many carbs are in a pint of bourbon. Planning my meals and exercise is key to my staying on the rails.
I was fretting the unstructured time that's looming over the weekend when I had a revelation: I can always go stay in a hotel. It's not in the cards this week, but knowing that I can decamp to a pressure-free, 'emotionless' space to decompress is a great release valve.
b-2 hard boiled eggs
l- 6 oz steak, roasted spaghetti squash and green peppers
d- 6 oz steak, roasted spaghetti squash and green peppers, with about 4 more oz steak after with some dijon mustard.
Did a little more preemptive cooking. Bacon is a beautiful thing.
Last night, I got a bit dizzy at dance class. Afterward, in the shower, the sickness settled in. It feels like the flu, but with no fever. I am just chilled to the bone and so achy. My back and shoulders are killing me. I had a horrible time falling asleep, and when I woke up drenched with sweat at about 5am, I thought the worst was over. It wasn't. I made it to work and wore 3 sweaters and drank a dozen cups of tea. Ugh. I felt awful, but can't take any sick days. Because I used a bunch of them to go on 2 benders in January. Is this karma? Probably.
b-2 pieces bacon, 1 hard boiled egg
l- mixture of chili and beef vegetable soup from the work caf, a few bites of green beans
d- cabbage soup
I'm about to drink another cup of tea, then head to bed. I took a bunch of vitamins. I hate being sick.
I have the horrible stomach bug that is going around. The 'digestive distress' didn't hit me until I got home from work on Friday (thank god!) and I spent the rest of the night going to the bathroom every few minutes. UGH. It's weird. So much of my disordered eating behaviors results in my feeling terrible, and it's odd to be sick like this and not feel that I deserve it and did it to myself.
b- 1 piece bacon, 2 scrambled eggs
l- some beef chili from the cafeteria
d- greek yogurt
I also drank several diet mountain dews, a 2-liter of sprite zero, and a ton of seltzer water. The thought of tea was horrifying,
I got a ton of sleep last night, and woke up feeling peppy. Then, I had to run to the bathroom. It clearly hasn't passed. Ugh. I had some tomato soup, an apple, ate meat and roasted mushroom out of the prepacked meals I have in the fridge. I have a bag of pistachios, more greek yogurt, and a bag of frozen berries. I have the urge to eat and eat, but must admit I feel sick and the eating would be self harm. And that's no good! Going to settle down with netflix and seltzer.
Back to myself today. Which means I'm barely resisting the incredibly strong urge to drink alcohol and binge eat. I had therapy today. That may be a source of some anxiety. But I really want to just eat and eat and eat.
b-2 eggs scrambled in butter
s-some chicken, green pepper strips, 1 cherry tomato
l-chipotle carnitas salad
d- 2 roast chicken breast, haricots verts.
I drank some tea, and am going to brush my teeth before I head to the gym early. If I don't get out of the house, I'll break. And once I slip and over eat, I'll go buy booze, then food, then more booze. It's awful I have to be so on guard against myself. I remember a time when I didn't have to worry about sticking to my plan. I just did it.
To the gym!
Still craving fighting a craving to binge, so I ate more today. It was a little mindless, and I feel very full as I head to bed, but I'm glad I didn't go off plan.
b-3 eggs scrambled in butter
l-giant salad with chicken, red and green peppers, banana peppers, cherry tomatoes, oil and vinegar
s-2 eggs fried in butter
d-small pork chop, large broccoli slaw salad
s- plate of roasted broccoli
I made it to the gym for a good workout and vacuumed my entire apartment. I also packed a nice lunch for tomorrow and did the dishes. It's amazing how fast the evenings after work go. The open weekend is taunting me already, but I'm planning to go shopping on Saturday all day, and that will hopefully keep me focused elsewhere. I've decided to finally decorate my apartment a bit. It's about time it feels like I live here!
I've had a very bad few days. It's shameful how far down I can fall before I catch myself. I stand by my earlier assertion that LC paleo is the sanest eating plan for me. It truly made me feel great, and enabled me to kill it in the gym, which was awesome. Just getting back to the point where I can talk myself out of self harming behavior is a struggle, and it's upsetting that I've been bouncing between eating perfectly and eating appallingly with such ease and frequency.
I want to change my behavior and be happier. To facilitate that, I am going to bring more tools into my toolbox. This morning, I'm heading to a 12-step meeting, OA, to see if the support and 'one moment at a time' approach they espouse is helpful. Though I'm not into the god stuff, they promote a wheat- and sugar-free lifestyle, and I hope to meet some like minded people I can bond with.
Hrm. It sounds so pathetic, but so much of this binge/attempt to purge cycle is isolating. It would be really nice to have someone I could call and just be honest about what I'm really struggling with.
ANYHOO. Emo-vent over.
The food plan for the day is:
b- 2 hb eggs
l-chipotle salad, double carnitas, added to a bag of romaine salad mix. Gigantic salad, srsly
d- 1 box organic buffalo chicken wings and delicious kale chips
s- 1 serving 2% fage (so thick, so good)
It's important to note that I genuinely find the food I plan to eat today delicious. The rub for me is to not get swept up by that and decide to binge on all the foods I love, paleo (dried fruit and nuts) or otherwise (donuts and ice cream ).
Magnesium deficiency written all over you.