Help- I seem hell-bent on destroying myself
When I was 10 years old I would sneak and hord candy from everywhere possible and devour it in secret even if I knew my parents wouldn't mind me eating it in their presence. From my earliest school days I was nervous in school and could never eat lunch, but finally became embarrassed about it enough to force myself to eat a piece of white bread every day at lunch. When I got home at 3 pm I would eat a lot more white bread and sugary treats. Then, the sugar cravings started taking over and I would have every bit of sugar available to me in school- a commercial donut everytime it was a friend's birthday, candy from other kids, etc. then lie about it to get more sugar at home. It was like a drug addiction and it continued for a long time with me stuck in the balance of craving sugar but at the same time despising eating in front of people at school.
I started running cross country and that kept me at a small weight even for the junk I ate. Eventually I found primal and felt like I'd found heaven when I freed myself from the junk I used to feed myself.
But maybe all was not as simple as appeared, because thinking back, I would eat cups and cups of sweet potatoes until I felt bloated and sick but still not content. And I would eat three meals but when my mom left the kitchen I would run in and sneak several slices of cheese even if I didn't feel hungry, I just felt a frightening drive to stuff myself.
I stopped running around the same time I went primal and I think I gained about 5 lbs more than was good for me. My mom noticed and blamed the fat I was eating, as well as the portion size, and sometime around there a terrible spiral began where I swore to stop the battle I felt against my unnatural craving to eat, counted every calorie and rarely ate more than 900 calories a day, paranoid of non primal food.That continued most of last summer and I lost about 10 lbs, starving like hell. I came to my senses at a doctor visit in november when they said it was concerning that I lost weight since last year, and my mom started commenting that all my clothes suddenly seemed huge on me and she thought I might not be getting enough starch---
Problem 2 begins. I started binging on a daily basis. Binging on buttered potatoes and meat and cheese fruit and chocolate, but binging until I was stuffed at almost every meal. My weight skyrocketed almost instantly and I gained 20 lbs in a month and a half, and now I have to stop, or even lose a few, but I can't stop binging. And the binging is getting worse- today I already ate a 4-cup jar of beef stew, a whole bar of chocolate and 2 cups of sugary yogurt- the binges are even getting farther away from primal.
It is like an obsession. I've been trying to stave off the binging nonstop now. I realized I could stop it somewhat by eating apples every time I wanted to binge, but I ate 4 apples or more a day until I was bloated on apples and my gums bled from the acidity but now I buy high cacao chocolate bars, keep them in my desk and open one and eat until all 500 calories worth are gone.
Something, somewhere went terribly wrong. This is not how its supposed to be.
I'm sort of in shock with myself that I just gorged like I did. I can barely waddle but when I finish typing this I'll head out for a 2 mile walk in the park. It's the best I can do, it's the only thing. I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't feel helpless against this. Will it be a lifelong battle? It doesn't matter how good or satiating or satisfying the food is, I crave volume and I feel unfulfilled and desperate unless I am almost sickly full.
Experiences? Thoughts and suggestions? I am a teen girl