Starting over yet again (Tricia)

aaaaaaand we're back!

For those of you who don't know me, I'm a 30 year old female, just finishing up my masters degree while working part time in customer service (retail = standing job, which I like!). I'm a former bulimic (early teens) and substance abuser (early twenties), and while all that is out of the way now, there's still a long way to go to perfect health! I'm a fairly happy camper most of the time, though I am still on a (very) small dose of SSRI's, due to my brain being a little fried from all the abuse all those years ago (seriously kids: don't do drugs!). That was a looooong time ago though, and I am expecting I could probably do without them (the SSRI's), but first, I want to do whatever I can to have a strong basis to take that final step. I've had journals here before, but then gave that up because I couldn't take having to report my failures over and over. I'm back now though, hopefully for real this time! :)

It's been a crazy semester, and it's not quite over yet (term papers, anyone?) but I figure since classes are almost over and I'm looking at quite some time off from work (and canteen food, yuck!) that now will be a great time to reboot myself. The plan will be as follows:

december 1st: quit smoking! It will be my last shift before my holiday, and I've already stocked up on nicotine patches, so I figure a long work shift will help me get through that first day because I can't smoke at work anyway.
december 2nd: final cake day! (don't laugh: I promised one of my girlfriends to bring over a home made cake while she's stuck at home waiting for her baby to come)
december 3rd: primal reboot + initial test of the 100 pushups/200situps/200squats/150 dips program. I printed out the program in pocketmod form so I can continue doing it daily after the initial DOMS wear off.

I've been counting down the days, to be honest. I also made this poster to put up in the living room (the boy didn't even roll his eyes any more) and I figured I'd share it if anyone else wants it. I adapted some of the rules to fit me better, but the idea is the same:

[CENTER][ATTACH]10100[/ATTACH][/CENTER]

See you in a few days guys :)

[U]D-day![/U]

Had my last cigarette this morning at 10 (had to have that last one), and am all patched up now.
Now I'm making a list (and checking it twice :p) of all the things that I will see improving in the next couple of weeks, so I can check back to it later if I'm having a hard time.

[LIST][*]Sinuses[*]Lung capacity[*]Skin[*]Hair[*]Teeth (though as any dentist will tell you, giving up smoking sets you up for about 3 weeks of horribly bleeding gums as they are healing. yuck. am prepared for that though, stocked up on disinfectant mouthwash...)[*]Breath! (ugh)[*]Hidradenitis (again, ewww! but when I last quit smoking, it went away completely so that's a major plus!)[*]Sleep (more energy in the morning)[*]Sleep² (no more or less frequent nightmares)[*]Energy[*]Mood[*]Concentration[*]Cold tolerance[*]My desk won't be full of tobacco crumbs! (I'm an avid computer smoker)[*]My clothes won't stink![*]No more worrying about not being allowed to smoke at people's houses, or having to go all the way downstairs and outside on breaks during classes![*]Stomach + gut health[*]No more constant guilt (seriously, at some point, it just becomes easier to just change your behavior than to feel bad about it all the time. I'm sure people can relate to that :) )[*]Better immunity[*]...[*]Strength![*]Stamina![*]Less sore feet after a long shift[*]more patient when dealing with customers because I'm not counting down to my next smoke break[*]Calm sense of accomplishment in the background of my awareness (this fades after a while, but it's important to remember)[*]...[*]Better sense of taste & smell so I can go back to enjoying all the subtle nuances of crisp December air and fresh fruit & veggie goodness![*]Also my tongue won't feel funny :p[/LIST]

I have to go to work now, but I'm sure I'll be able to think of more. I'll add them later :)

Good luck! I've had a lot of benefit from mindfulness meditation, there's a program by a professor at Oxford which has been shown to reduce relapse in depression and reduce stress, might be useful while making these changes. It's Mindfulness by Mark Williams, if you're interested, a short book and CD.

Thanks! :) I'm already doing the mindfulness meditation exercises (though I could be a little more regular) and am hoping it will help me in overcoming the urge to smoke. (I have a meditation called 'urge-surfing' for that) First days are hard so thanks for the support! :)

Days without cigarettes: 2

And here we are, on the third day already. They say the first three days are the hardest. But "they" say a lot of things. Me, I'm a trigger-girl. I'm almost afraid to put something in my mouth (except coffee - would you believe that actually tastes a LOT better without cigarettes? To me it does anyway) because every time I've had a decent meal I immediately want a cigarette. But the absolute worst time is getting off from work. I really feel like I "deserve [I]something[/I]" then. I usually get off pretty late, around 8.30, and it's a rare thing to have much willpower left over at that time of night. The last time I quit (for about 8 months), I took up "rewarding" myself with late night fast food and ice cream, and gained about 15 lbs that I'm still carrying around. So while I'm in the spirit of making lists, here's one of other rewards I can give myself that are sensory but non-digestible.

[LIST][*]A long shower (or, if I've already showered that day or it's too late at night: )[*]washing my feet with scented soap[*]using my favorite body lotion[*]fresh sheets[*]getting all bundled up in a blanket when it's cold outside[*](in the summer: ) cooling off with my feet in a tub of cold water[*]listening to my favorite music[*]stretching[*]doing a meditation exercise[*]Sing Star! (again, when it's not too late)[*]the sun on my face[*]going to bed early[*]cuddles[*]silence[*]foot rubs[*]books![*]...[/LIST]

Hmz, these are a lot harder to come up with, but I think these will have to do for now.
Lunch yesterday was [URL="http://nomnompaleo.com/post/4157757611/cauliflower-carrot-and-parsnip-puree"]NomNomPaleo's cauliflower, carrot and parsnip puree[/URL] with fried salmon, and I had a lot of celery root and Jerusalem artichokes from our veggie co-op that I made into a giant pizza sized latke. Didn't like that very much, but the boy did (even though he hates artichokes?) which evened out me liking the puree while he didn't so we both got our bellies full. Had some yoghurt with a cut up banana in the evening, and some clementines. No exercise though. Felt tired and cranky all day because giving up smoking while you're on your period is a recipe for that :p

Days without cigarettes: 3

I forgot to mention Final Cake Day didn't happen because my friend had to go to the hospital for observation, because she went into pre-labor or some such thing. She's back home now though, still pregnant.
This means I started my primal reboot on Sunday instead of Monday, food-wise at least, because I still haven't done any exercise or even slow moving (or any moving for that matter) because I'm so tired and listless... Which would probably be cured by exercise, I know. It's pretty bad though. I've even been sleeping through classes because of it. Getting up is the worst, because the first thing that hits me in the morning is the battle with this huge craving while I drag myself out of bed and have to sit through the first half hour before the patch kicks in. You're really supposed to sleep with it on, to prevent that from happening, but then I can't sleep (who smokes in their sleep?) But hey, it's day three already and I'm finally rid of the taste in my mouth! (yuck) My sinuses are starting to "pop" and I have a slight headache, which means they are adjusting too, clearing out the bad stuff, but that makes them extra vulnerable to infections for a while, to which I'm very sensitive to begin with, so I hope I don't get sick.
I made a compromise with myself to get in an hour of yoga before my friend is coming over with her baby (different friend - babies all over the place it seems) and some meditation in the evening before I hit the books. (have been lacking in that department too - but I guess I can allow myself 2 days of actual vacation since the rest of it will be spent studying anyway)
Dinner last night was a gigantic steak and an equally gigantic mountain of salad, dressed with the ranch dressing from this site. Very tasty! I have big boxes of shredded celery root, carrots and red beets in my fridge now, along with a big tub of pre-cut, pre-washed lettuce so I'm good to go for 2-minute salads! Tonight I'm making something tomato, because I have a whole lot of magnificent organic ones that will go to waste otherwise...

[I]edit: ugh. I only got halfway through my yoga video I used to find easy and had to lie down because I got all dizzy. This really is the bottom of baseline right here... I'm definitely doing that again tomorrow.[/I]

Days without cigarettes: 4

Well, my popping sinuses developed into a splitting headache during the day, that kept me up until 2am, when I decided to give in and take a Sinutab and promptly slept until noon!
No yoga today, because I've been working on my paper all day with the sole exception of a grocery run and a shower. The next days will be no different I'm afraid, since the first draft is due on Monday and as always I've been postponing everything until the last minute. But at least my headache is gone, so maybe I won't get sick after all (knock on wood).
I'm feeling a little more "yay" and less "nay" about the whole not smoking too, at last.

Memorable foods: yesterday I had my first try at zucchini noodles (or as I prefer to call them: courgetti!), since there are no spaghetti pumpkins in sight this year (:() so I finally got one of those mandolin thingies. The verdict? Great and will try again, especially since I finally managed to perfect my red pasta sauce!
I also had a big bowl of shredded celery root with a bit of the ranch dressing I made and bacon strips on top, which was delicious. Simple things :)
Tonight I'm making a huge batch of apple sauce, sinceI couldn't find any kind that was sugar free, and the whole house already smells like cinnamon ^_^
I'm on a major cooking spree it seems. Primal is so easy when you're home on vacation...

Welcome and well done for making a great life choice.

Congrats on the smoking, that must be hard. Another great life choice.

Richard

Thank you! It's such a great help to be a small part of such a supportive community :)

Days without cigarettes: 0

Well... I was on the verge of having a perfect week, even turned down homemade apple pie at a friend's dinner party on Friday, but then deadline fever hit me so bad I've been a wreck all through the weekend, and started smoking again. I just can not handle this kind of stress. I finished the work in time, but it cost me a lot. My sleeping pattern is all out of whack; I'm tired all day and then lie awake all night and all my muscles are tight. I really need to find a way to plan this all out a lot better so I don't let the work pile up on me like that.
But! I know that I will only have to get up one more time then I fall, and falling is not the end. As soon as I finish my coffee, I'm going to take a nice, long shower, put on a nicotine patch and get some chores done around here (if I'm too tired to exercise, I can at least do that, right). Then I'm going to plan out some proper primal meals and get done some reading. Just getting back up is half the battle.