One of my favorite jokes:
A man asked his brother to cat sit while he was on vacation. When he called home to check in, his brother said, “I’m sorry, but your cat fell off the roof and died.”
“My cat!” the man cried. “This is such a shock! Why did you tell me so abruptly like that?”
“I didn’t know what else to say,” his brother said.
“You should break news like that gradually,” the man said. “The first time I called, you could’ve said: ‘The cat’s on the roof and I can’t get him down.’
The next day when I called, you could have told me that the cat fell and you took him to the vet. The third day you could tell me that the cat died.”
“You’re right,” the brother replied. “I could have done it better.”
“Never mind,” the man said. “How’s Mom?”
There was a long pause and then the brother said, “Mom’s on the roof and I can’t get her down.”
We used to call those "Grandma jokes," iow jokes we could tell Gran'ma without shocking her. My grandmother once tried to tell an off color joke that had the word c***sucker in the punchline, and we all about peed ourselves laughing as she wracked her brain searching for an alternative word.
fantastic joanie. I will have to put that in my joke folder !!!!
keep em coming !!!!!
A very sad looking guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool. From out of his pocket he pulls a little toy-sized piano. From the other pocket, he pulls out a little Liliputian sized person wearing a black tux. The little guy sits down at the little piano and starts playing.
The bartender is watching all this and comes over and says, "Um....Do you mind if I ask what is going on here?"
The man sighs and says, "This is my twelve inch pianist."
The bartender says, "Your what?"
"Well, let me put it this way", says the guy. "If a genie ever grants you one wish, SPEAK CLEARLY!"
A New Zealander was visiting Texas. As he was roaring down the highway in his rental car, a big ol' Texas longhorn runs out in front of him. He swerves to miss the cow, but wrecks his car. He flags down a passing trucker who robs him of his wallet and suitcases. Along comes two bikers on a Harley, they tie him to a billboard sign, get his car unstuck and steal it. Finally after watching buzzards circle for hours, a Texas Ranger stops and walks over to see why this guy is tied to a billboard. The New Zealander explains the entire situation.
The Ranger adjusts his cowboy hat, starts unbuckling his gun belt and says, "Well mister funny talker--this just ain't your day is it?'
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went in and told her son, "We don\'t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the BITCH in the kitchen!"
Oh Dirlot - nice one!
Otzi - interestingly I have a funny story to go along nicely with your joke. My husband and his uncle and his father were in the US to go to the Osh Kosh airshow, they hired a car and decided one afternoon to take a drive in the desert to find an aircraft graveyard they'd heard about. After some time on a very lonely road the police pull them over and slowly approach the car, guns drawn. Long story short, the police spotted these two Maori men and a white fella driving a car along the mexican border and had jumped to the reasonable conclusion that they were Mexican drug runners who had kidnapped some poor white dude!
OMG, these are classic !!!! Absolutely classic. I have nearly WMP from laughing so hard !!!!
I would like to offer you one small piece of advice…..
I will tell this in the form of a story…..
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table; he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
“Who’s been eating my porridge?”
Daddy bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
“Who’s been eating my porridge?!?”
Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells
“For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots!
It was mummy bear who got up first
It was mummy bear who woke everyone in the house
It was mummy bear who made the coffee
It was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away
It was mummy bear who swept the kitchen floor
It was mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and wood for the fire
It was mummy bear who lit the fire
It was mummy bear who set the damn table
It was mummy bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cats litter tray, refilled their water and gave them food
And now that you have decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace mummy bear with your grumpy presence
Listen carefully, because I’m only gonna say this once…….
I haven’t made the beeeeeeep porridge yet!!!!!!!
Back when I was in college, I worked at a large preschool. The kids came from all types of backgrounds, and sometimes we had kids asking why we weren't watching R rated or harder movies.
One day my job was to sweep and vacuum, which happened to be in front of the bathroom. As I was sweeping, I heard two little boys in the bathroom talking.
"Why are you in here?" asked one.
"I am just playing with my balls." replied the other.
I about choked, knowing that these boys were about 3-4 years old. I couldn't bear to go in, so I asked another teacher to do so.
One boy was zipping up from peeing. The other boy had two tennis balls that he was bouncing against the wall.
A Chinese gentleman walks into a New Zealand pub and says to the bartender. "give me a bourbon, bogan". The bartender says, 'that's rude', but serves him anyway. A few minutes later the Chinese fellow slams his empty glass down and say "Give me another bourbon, bogan!", the bartender says, 'Wait a minute, that's too rude...let's trade places and I'll show you what I mean'.
The bartender walks outside, then returns to the bar and says, 'Give me a drink, Chink!'. The Chinese fellow looks him over and says politely, "Solly, we no serve-a da Kiwi here."
OK, what the hell is a bogan??? If anyone is offended I will delete!