Glaswegian man is in a job centre looking for a job, when he sees a advert for a vagina trimmers assistant, the job is to prepare the vaginas for trimming, then carry out any post trimming cleaning, applying of oils and creams etc!
He thinks ‘I’d like some of that’, so he goes to see the job centre staff about applying for the job.
The job centre employee tells him that he has to go to Plymouth (approx 500 miles away)
The man asks if that’s where the job is and was told ‘no, it’s the end of the queue’!
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that?"
“Those are for the funeral!"
An oldie. After a game of racquet ball and a shower, two friends are getting dressed in the locker room. One looks over and notices his buddy putting on a woman's garter belt. "When did you start wearing that?" he asks.
"When my wife found it in my glove compartment."
Once a King
Is always a King
But once a Knight's
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
"Of course I won't laugh,"said the nurse. " I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then,"said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest
male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle,
but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
" I am so sorry," she said.. " I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady,
I promise That won't happen again." Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
" It's swollen," Bill replied.
She ran out of the room.
Got sent this by e-mail;
Visisted Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel.
It has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Let us remember that English is not an easy language to learn but we can still have time for some light moments .
I particularly like the fact that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar ... that would spoil "happy hour" I'm sure ...
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederats.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
I'm heading home to the US in a couple of weeks. Going to have and pickup a few packs of these seeds to bring back with me.
What do vegan zombies eat?
(Ok, that sucks, but I thought we should re-stoke this thread to cheer Gwamma up)
Katemary arent you a sweet wee thing..... Thank you