Well, it's been awful. Lots of drama, with some lovely name calling and sarcasm thrown at my husband for good measure and a facebook post. You can read my response to all of it below. I am trying very hard to let go of a bunch of stuff that is not serving me right now. My weight, my control of all areas of life, my fear, even friendships. I had 4 squares of dark chocolate and forgot to weigh this morning. I am sad, raw, and somewhat vulnerable. Oh well, this too shall pass.
I sent the following note hoping to disarm the situation so my work life will be copacetic:
"In all situations there are multiple sides to the story and there is the truth. I am experiencing many emotions in this situation, and those are mine to handle. The truth is that I helped to create a situation believing my husband would be working a hard day from 6:45am Ė 4:00pm with an occasional 6pm day that would allow us to have dinner and spend lots of time together. A 1950s dream world, and when the dream became to fade when our friend told me while you were on vacation that her son was working until 9-10pm every night, I knew something bad was coming. I know that we could tolerate him working over 50 hours a week of hard physical labor with little to no breaks, not having evenings together, and I was very upset and confused. I asked you at my desk and you said you thought your sisterís bf got home by 6 most nights. I tried to believe that this would work out, even though my gut was telling me differently. All of the sudden it was like I woke up and went, what in the world, I know better than to mix friendship and a brand new business. By then, it was too late, and I didnít know what to do to stop it.
I could should us both to death, but the reality is, we are humans, emotional and fallible. All handled the entire thing from start to finish in a way that a text book could pick apart, but I wonít.
This morning I saw your husbandís post and unfriended him in a knee jerk emotional reaction. It cut deep. Because it is only a very small part of the story and he knew I would see it. However, the friendship was between you and I. I am hurt and saddened, and I do not care to continue to see, read, or hear any drama.
What I need from you as a tribute to our friendship and the love you ever had for me, which I still hold in my heart for you, even in my anger at ALL of the behaviors in this situation, is this. I need for the pay to be sent to me via inner office mail on March 8th. I need for it not to go any farther or become any larger of an issue. I need it to be behind all of us.
I will not be discussing this with anyone here at work. If anyone asks, my answer will be, it wasnít a good fit. And J, honestly, you know it wasnít. You know me, the staunch liberal, would not tolerate a member of my household having a job for long that was 50-65 hours including nights and weekends, with limited time for adequate meals or bathroom breaks, and no sick days, no benefits. It becomes diminishing value of returns.
Was any of this handled by anyone, including me, in the right way? Absolutely not. I am not blame shifting. I see everyoneís part in this. If I could take it all back and make it all better, you know I would. But I cannot. And now we all must reap the consequences of what we sowed.
We have several work projects that we have together. You do a great job, and I will not play any bs games with that. For the next couple of weeks, I think it is best that we work together via email and instant messenger. I will not let this situation hurt either of our roles here and I hope you wonít either.
I am surrendering this entire situation. It really isnít mine, it just affects me greatly. I wish you nothing but the best in life."
Very well put, Kymma. I hope your message gives you some relief.
[QUOTE=namelesswonder;1109445]Very well put, Kymma. I hope your message gives you some relief.[/QUOTE]
^this. but now I am wondering if it is because I am a staunch conservative that I work 50-60 hours a week including nights and weekends. Damn.
[QUOTE=canio6;1109447]^this. but now I am wondering if it is because I am a staunch conservative that I work 50-60 hours a week including nights and weekends. Damn.[/QUOTE]No! This particular job was $150 a day to deliver appliances. We were not told to expect 10-16 hour days by the friends that hired him. After 10 hours, the return on that wage, which is pre-tax, and has no benefits (sick days, vacation pay, health benefits) is just ludicrous. The days my husband worked 16 hours he was making $9.37 before all taxes, so probably about $8.25 an hour, for heavy lifting and long hours without adequate breaks for bathroom or meals? No thanks. I was being very naive.
There were other issues, and yes, my husband has major employment issues. I am not in any way saying he is blameless. We are fucked again, transition # 20 and looking for job # 12. I am hoping the next job will be the last for a couple of years.
[QUOTE=Kymma;1109638]No! This particular job was $150 a day to deliver appliances. We were not told to expect 10-16 hour days by the friends that hired him. After 10 hours, the return on that wage, which is pre-tax, and has no benefits (sick days, vacation pay, health benefits) is just ludicrous. [/QUOTE]
I know. I was just messing with you. It really is nuts. I do not mind long hours, but I can't stand varied hours. Let me know when I am going home in advance none of this "Uh, today it is 16 hours" bullshit.
I totally understand where you are coming from.
[QUOTE=canio6;1109729]I know. I was just messing with you. It really is nuts. I do not mind long hours, but I can't stand varied hours. Let me know when I am going home in advance none of this "Uh, today it is 16 hours" bullshit.
I totally understand where you are coming from.[/QUOTE]I knew you were!
The whole situation is utterly ridiculous. Hubs has school tonight and I am taking my ass to my soul sister's house to have dinner and play with the baby and he is on his own for dinner. I am going to be doing a lot more me from here on out. I am working on surrendering control and action.
Is this my issue and what takes the least energy are my 2 new mantras.
I wish you the best of luck.
Note to self...find a soul sister....
Thinking of you Kymma. Yes, You must put yourself first. It does not make you selfish; it makes you sane.
I guess not eating lunch made up for the 2 large and 1 small dark chocolate bar I ate last night.
Today I am angry and depressed. I really don't know how to move within this situation. I don't want to be around him, I don't know what I want. I am fighting my flight reaction. I am a runner. I feel deeply like finding a job teaching English and high tailing it out of the country. That isn't rational. I have debt, a home, a car, all this shit to take care of, there is no jumping.
I'm coughing my head off but can't stay home because he is there. These are the same tears, this is the same old feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, and embarrassment. How will I know when it is over? Will it ever be over if I stay? Or will I just hurt and hurt and be held back in this life forever? Will the love not be completely dead soon? I do love him. His actions and behaviors are beating the hell out of that love. I feel like a beaten child huddled in a corner today, and the next minute I feel like a beaten dog who is about to turn vicious.
big internet hugs Kymma.