Hitting a wall. I haven't been able to eat in a few days. I get hungry, but then I try to eat and it just seems unappetizing. I was still feeling fine until this morning. I had coffee with coconut oil and was fine. Then a ate a small thing off applesauce and feel a little queasy. Haven't been sleeping well. I'm so tired. I hope this stops soon. Now to go attempt sitting through a meeting without falling asleep!
Lobster bisque for lunch... big mistake. I think I'll stick to not eating for now, lol.
Oh finally, a good meal. My tummy is back to normal and feeling like myself again. I thought for a second I was slipping back into a depressed mindset. Well, I snapped myself the hell out of that by spending time with cool people and keeping my body moving. Exhausted. Pretty sure I'll be out quite soon... I hope!
Why is it that when I'm the most tired I can't sleep? Probably because I am allowing myself to play on my phone and have the TV on... not very primal. I forgot to mention that after losing 40lbs, gaining 10, I've lost 8. I've been quite strict on my diet, but have admittedly had a bit too much wine yesterday and the day before. Just thinking about things and wondering what the future will bring. Good things I think if I stay on this path, it's scary, but that's good. Comfortable and familiar is bad. Even if the change in my thought patterns is the most important change, the muscles and soon to be hot body will be nice too :). I'm proud of myself for learning to react to things in different ways and I think people in my life have noticed, actually I know they have. I been letting go of the old me and embracing the new and it's exciting... and sad. But sad is okay. Tears are okay. One of my old favorites that I like to read when I am having trouble letting go of my past.
"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
And after a while, you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
With every goodbye, you learn."
Learning is hard and painful, but worth it.
Yesterday's poem seems especially appropriate right now. I just learned that a friend's husband passed away. I am unable to get ahold of her at the moment, but it reminds me again of how very short life is. It reminds me that I have to walk, and play, and do squats, and even the dreaded push ups so I am strong and self sufficient for as long as is humanly possible. I have to eat foods that feed my body, not foods that just fill me up briefly and give me a sugar rush. And mostly I have to remember to tell the ones I love and show the ones I love, just how much I do every chance I get. Rest in peace Ray. I know how much your wife will miss you and how much I will miss the stories of all your cooky antics.
My body and my brain are telling me to rest. I was up and down all night thinking of anything and everything. And for some reason missing an old friend so much it hurts. Going to take a nap then get some more exercise. My lullaby...
Slept and slept... and honestly could just keep sleeping until tomorrow. Supposed to go out with friends, but I can't even seem to hold my eyes open enough to get ready. I feel good and healthy. Not sure what the deal is, but I guess if my body tells me sleep... sleep it is. Of course staring at about 10 pm I'll probably be wide awake all night.
Hi! Popping in from journal surfing. I saw you were on meds and got off of them. I was able to get off of Zoloft after a few months of being strictly gluten-free. It's been over 7 months, and I'm still re-learning what emotions are. It's not easy. I project what's going on with me on others so that may not be your situation, but just in case... hang in there. :)
[QUOTE=fatcrazylady;1336668]Hi! Popping in from journal surfing. I saw you were on meds and got off of them. I was able to get off of Zoloft after a few months of being strictly gluten-free. It's been over 7 months, and I'm still re-learning what emotions are. It's not easy. I project what's going on with me on others so that may not be your situation, but just in case... hang in there. :)[/QUOTE]
Thanks. I previously got off Zoloft for a while, but had to go back on it for anxiety. I'm going through a sort of transitional phase in my life right now and I'm not even sure who I am. I'm not who I was, but not quite who I want to be. I'll get there, at which point I plan on attempting to go off of it again. So happy for you that you were able to!!
Today my heart was hurting, not my literal heart, that other one. I realized that I kept trying to fight who I was, fight what my feelings and instincts were to come across as "normal" to others. I am the way I am. I find some peace in accepting that, at least right now. I can and am making practical changes in my life, getting stronger, more sunshine and walking, really got strict on the diet, and it makes me feel good about myself.
It is harder to change my thought patterns, but I am. I was going about it the wrong way though. I was trying to act and react in a way that was not "me". When the real change that needed to happen was to just pause, breathe, and say exactly what I feel. No faking, no acting like something doesn't bother me when it does or vice versa. What I can change is to be more understanding of where others are coming from. Not taking everything so personally, not being defensive, and realizing that I can only change me, I can only make my life into what I think it should be, nobody else. That is their journey, not mine.
I realize that being the way I am is inviting myself to be hurt a lot, I share everything, I disclose everything, and I tell the truth always. I'm not saying I've never lied, but when it counts, which is more often than most people think, I am honest. I am not this way with everyone, but the few that get under my skin, the people that find a way to spark something in me will hear all of it. I tried to fight this for a while. The pain of not being myself was far worse than. The pain of being hurt due to my openness.
Some tears fell today, but I picked myself up and did some squats and push-ups. Then I did something I've been putting off for weeks. I made the paleo cupcakes. Not something I would normally make, but I've wanted to bake since this fall weather hit. And I had the perfect excuse, one of my co-workers is severely allergic to wheat and gluten and loves sweets. I know she'll be so excited, plus they are in cute little Halloween liners with little Halloween flags that will stick in them. I love cooking, I love baking, I love feeding people and making them smile.
I truly can't believe how much becoming primal has changed my life. Not just the direct results like weight loss, but the people I have spoken with and the insights I've had with a clearer head. This sparked me to question so many other aspects of conventional wisdom, politics, economics, conspiracies, medicine, lifestyle choices, and what I really want out of life. It all started here. I'm so grateful that I see the world the way I do now.