Primal Journal ~ eat.breathe.live
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. As promised, I am starting my PB Journal right here, right now, no more excuses. Today I start the 21-Day Transformation challenge and I intend to share my journey here with you. I welcome any and all thoughts, ideas, support, encouragement and yes, tough love when necessary. What's true is that I can no longer continue to live the way that I have. Change must happen and it starts here, today. I will keep trying and trying until I succeed. Success is my only option. I cannot continue to die a slow death, physically, mentally or emotionally anymore. So my life starts here. Now!
I've had a disordered relationship with food and my body for as long as I remember. I don't know when it began exactly, nor do I care. I only know that I am here now and miserable with it. Seven years ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, had my thyroid removed, completed radiation therapy and my body has been on a horrible roller coaster even since. In an effort to take control of my life I took a turn into the fitness industry after making what I thought was a remarkable physical transformation at the time. But what I really learned was how truly unhealthy the health and fitness industry really is. What I learned was how to abuse and manipulate my body into a smaller size, working out for hours each day and starving myself to death. I eventually left the fitness industry with chronic stress fractures in both my ankles, a complete cessation of menses and a raging eating disorder. What I learned is that you can only starve your body for so long before it fights back and mine faught back with a vengeance. I've had a binge eating disorder ever since and the mental and physical suffering from this has been emmense. So much so that I have come to hate the body and mind that I live in. In an attempt to address my binge eating previously I tried intuitive eating, trying to relearn my bodies true language, learning to hear my bodies hunger and fullness cues again. Initially this did wonders for me and I finally felt freedom from food and from the anxiety that always surrounded it but this to eventually morphed into something unhealthy and disordered. The thinner I got the less food I ate until I was once again starving myself, biding my time until weekends and I could have that cookie or that brownie or that ice cream. Constantly living in fear of eating too much but always thinking about food and wanting more. This led me to a point about eight months ago when I realized I was over worked, over stressed, underweight and starving. I could see my rib cage and I could have hurt someone with my hips. In an attempt to alleviate my work stress I took a leap and took a hiatus from healthcare and started working at Starbucks. Being surrounded by sugar and pastries all day and not being able to eat any of them (I also have celiacs) finally took its toll and once again my primal body won out over starvation and an eight month binge began. During this time, even in the darkest of times, I became familiar with and absorbed everything I could on the Paleo/Primal lifestyle. Everything about it made sense to me and I was becoming aware of the fact that I had a raging sugar/food addiction. I am intimately aware of the impact food has on our body and on our minds. Even a few days of binging on sugar and starches leads to an almost overwhelming depression. But this became a cycle for me. Binge for a few days or weeks, get fed up, try to clean up my diet, make it a couple of days before the food demons would consume me and then the cycle would start all over again. Binge, become disgusted with how I look and felt, clean up my act, hit the carb flu wall or mental cravings, rinse, repeat until here I am today. and ever time I tried and failed I would best myself up for being weak willed and unable to change and then binge even more to sooth my pain. A vicious cycle. A slow death.
So here I am today, posting all of my embarrassments and failings for the world to see, or at least the PB one, in an effort to garner the support and encouragement that I need to break this vicious cycle. I can't live like this any longer. I can't continue to die a little each day as this consumes me. I want my life back! I want to wake up every day living the life that I love and loving the life that I live, free. Free from food obsession. Free of self disgust and hate. I want to love my body and love myself and it starts here, today. Today I break the vicious cycle. Today I take baby steps, one foot in front of the other each day until the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months and the the months into a lifetime. I want to stop focussing on the challenges and the losses and the discomfort of change and start focussing on the ease and the gains of living the life that I love. I have no illusions about the challenges I will face, having good days and bad, but I have allowed myself to create an illusion of how difficult and painful this process must be and in doing so I have created more challenges. So today I open myself up to the possibility that this can in fact be a positive, happy experience full of positive and happy change. Instead of hardships I can make the choice to see any challenges I face as opportunities to show myself just how strong and beautiful I can be!
So here I go. Welcome to my ride. Thank you for joining me on this adventure...