Fall down, brush myself off, repeat...
In spite of all of the wonderful changes popping up in my life right now, I am starting to feel unbelievably overwhelmed by everything. I feel out of control so, of course (and this is a big thing to confess), I have the need to rededicate myself to something rigid like another Whole 30. WTF does that say? That I hate not being able to control my life in some fashion. Seriously? This is so borderline disordered in terms of thinking [I]and[/I] eating. I promised myself last September when I started this job and the world spun out of control that I would just let my life unfold without trying to control every little thing. And, that I would revel in the feelings one experiences during limbo-like transitions. So, I did. And, I got through everything with effing flying colors! Perhaps the current state of affairs is too much all at once.
I love the way I feel during a Whole 30. I don't like wondering if I am being too controlling with myself. New jobs, demos for vo work, new place to live (new bed and TV and so on), new relationship status. Gah!
Once upon a time in suburbia
Ok, so I had a little knee jerk reaction yesterday. Quel surpris. They say confession is good for the soul although I wonder if that's so if one recants it?
My weight is the same and my clothes are huge. That works. Better that than the other way around, non? No workout today because of a dull headache and a bit of malaise. No appetite through the day but I am hungry now. For what, I don't know! What I'd really like is salmon. What I will actually have is grass fed ground beef meatballs.
Can't wait to move out of this uber-suburban town. I don't have 2.5 kids or a mini-van and have never felt at home here. The new place is also suburban but more upscale and in the area in which I grew up. It's about a mile from the high school that I attended. Wild. And, there is a branch of my gym close by. In fact, there are two. Both approximately 5 miles from my guest house in opposite directions. No excuses! Not that I need any. I love to work out. But, need to mix it up a bit as I am growing bored with what I currently do. I've been doing a full body workout but neglecting periodization. I do three sets of each exercise with increasing weight and decreasing reps: squats, dips, assisted pull-ups or chin-ups, incline bench, military bar shoulder presses. And, planks. And HIIT of late to help disperse my stress (it works). I reckon the HIIT is the reason that my clothes are so loose and the consistent weight workouts are why I've not lost scale weight.
Spoke to another potential employer today. A bit too corporate for me which, in my industry, means a lot of hours of work. The job that I left last July saw me working 60-70 hours a week (semi corporate but smaller than the job thingy today). I need less work. More play! The job for which I interviewed on Tuesday seems like a go. Nice portfolio, together manager, nice bennies, a guarantee instead of a draw, a better territory and plenty of time for voice overs.
J and I are being almost too nice to one another. That's cool. The alternative would not be nearly as cool. He keeps asking me if I lost all of this weight because I will be single shortly. No. Well, maybe. It's an extra added benefit! I've always liked being in shape and slender. Somehow, the stress of the old job and the long hours served as an excuse to make poor food choices. I always managed to work out, no matter what, but fell off the healthy wagon and ate loads of crap! Expensive crap because in my biz everyone wants to feed you. They still offer but now know that I will eat grilled fish or fruit or a salad (no meat as restaurant meat is seldom organic or grass fed). Anyway, I am down to 2 more weeks with J. I feel badly for him as he isn't dealing with this anywhere near as well as I am. He also inquires on a daily basis if I am going to date. Really? Sigh. I just tell him I need some time alone. And, I do. Funny, endings are always easier for me than most. Once I feel that audible "click" in my psyche, I'm done. And there is no turning back. Done is done, baby. And, I am done for sure.
Ok, this is turning into the longest journal entry ever. I shall bid you all adieu and a great weekend. Three days off for me!