[I]The initial dopamine rush, the permission I give myself to fuck everything for the rest of the day, the heightened resolve to change my ways on the morning after, the renewed drive to be strict, the deceptively real-feeling hope when I tell myself I can avoid any and all mistakes and be perfect if I just stick to this next new strategy... this stuff is habitual for me. It makes me nuts and keeps me from reaching any sort of peace, but it's also unfailingly predictable at this point.[/I]
You describe the vicious circle very impressively. Again, I neither have an eating disorder nor am I a psychologist. But maybe one thought: You say "unfailingly predictable". This sounds to me like a keyword. Is it possible at all that this binging circle unconciously gives you a sort of comfort and security?
Congratulations on walking away from the binging yesterday!
Sup & Adrigg... keep on keeping on, ladies. We're all fighters here. I dunno if it's a good fight we're fighting, but at least we're all fighting it together. Girl power and stuff.
Today I noticed, explicitly, that while it's incredibly appealing to eat some small sugary item when I know I'll give myself permission to eat THE REST OF THE HOUSE afterwards, it causes me more than a little frustration to tell myself that I'm going to eat just that one thing and then NOT give myself permission to binge. Make sense?
Like... okay, say I end up eating two or three or four sugary things, instead of just one. Still no permission. I've just stopped allowing it. If I'm going to eat something I probably shouldn't eat, or several somethings, then I'm just going to have to live with that moderately "bad," moderately WANT-MORE-inducing amount. Man, sitting in the middle zone like that is frustrating when you live in extremes...
But I have a feeling that by allowing myself to have an oversized, indulgent sugarfest every time I slip up just a little bit, I've been enforcing a pretty potent reward system for slip-ups. Like Bess reiterated, it's a comforting cycle in its predictable rewards.
Of course, it's not as easy as just saying "nope, can't binge, just can't do it, sorry." The desire is still there, and it tugs at me pretty strongly. I really just have to give myself a moment-by-moment pep talk, and remind myself that my goal right now--my biggest goal--is to quit thinking in extremes and just [B]allow[/B] gray areas to exist.
I think that writing all of this stuff out the past couple of days has really helped me to get a more coherent idea of what I need to do, which is nice. The boyfriend is still preparing my meals for me, since he's a stand-up guy like that. Obviously I was able to overcome my cereal snack yesterday, and today I was resolved to do the same. Lo and behold, I stood strong in the face of a few bites of cheesy scalloped potatoes (UUHHHHHH <- my happy food noise) and some clandestine coleslaw. The binge narrative was definitely running through my head, particularly since I had to buy groceries this evening. "Just get some of that candy, some ice cream too, who cares? Oh my god, Mounds. Oh my god, GUMMI LIFESAVERS? Wow, I didn't even know Ben and Jerry's MADE that flavor..."
But I didn't, and I'm okay. And now I'm going to bed.
Not that I entirely advocate it, but if you are stuggling with the reward type system just now (notthing wrong with struggling with that), have you considered cheat meals/days? Guilt free times when you can indulge without feeling like you are derailing your new healthier eating habits.
You BF sounds awesome for cooking for you. You dont always get such kind caring guys. We are a rare breed.
I had a friend who did really well with a cheat meal/day system. I think it really varies by individual though. I think I would struggle with it myself.
Well, the title of this blog ended up having nothing to do with its contents. I've done almost nothing here but dive into the complexities of everything.
In the spirit of trying to get away from incessantly thinking about food, and just eating it like a normal person instead, I think I'm going to give this journal a break.
Thanks for all the input and kind wishes. I'll take them with me on my journey. :)
Roden all the very best. I went zero sugar, processed food, dairy and grains from day 1 (althou I do have butter), and had some serious flu going on, but preparation, preparation, preparation. Especially in those early weeks, and during the times of cravings, I prepare plenty of primal snacks first thing in the morning. I promise myself that I will eat all the primal prepared food first before I reach for anything else. This worked for me and you will find something that will work for you
good luck and keep us posted