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Sorry, I should have realized ahead of time that I was talking in a really disordered way that would be seriously frowned upon here. I would like to clarify I'm not playing anyone--I'm completely honest with my team and the people around me know the reasons for which I'm currently recovering. They are well aware that I am treating this as an experiment that one day I may choose to end. I don't think I'm being cavalier, either; if you've never had a sickness like this you cannot understand the way it colors your life. Yeah, there's plenty of self-loathing going on over here, but to me it seems sensible and the correct response to how I am. And before this gets taken offensively, no, I don't think being thin is the most important or valuable thing in the world, nor being beautiful, nor some vague thing about "societal standards," or whatever, for anyone. (I could go on about how it doesn't matter that no one thinks a person with anorexia is attractive, but a lecture on aesthetics is not what anyone is here for.)
On the other hand, I'm not pretending I like to starve; it genuinely feels good and comforting to me and a lot of the research in EDs lately has shown that they are much more biologically determined than previously thought. There really is something in the way the brain of an anorexic is wired (sorry to use such inaccurate language) that causes calorie restriction to be a legitimately good-feeling (and addictive) experience. It isn't an act. I want to take offense at being called "lazy" and looking for an easy way out, but you're probably right, at least in part.
All that aside, I think what matters is that for now and stretching off into the vanishing point of the future, I [I]am[/I] recovering, and if I'm doing that, I want to do it as optimally as possible. I do take all of your concerns to heart; to be honest, I was expecting to be told I wasn't working out hard enough! So thanks. But for now, I want the same things all of you want: to look fit, be able to exercise hard and well, have low body fat, good hormonal functioning, etc. I don't think that's invalidated by the fact that some day those might not be my goals anymore. If I'm under constraints such that I have no choice but to eat and be healthy, then goddamnit, I'm going to be [I]so fucking healthy[/I]. Otherwise why bother?
I'm sorry if I sound insane, but it's just like, if I can't have ribs, then I'll make some abs instead.
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[QUOTE=gray;930338]Sorry, I should have realized ahead of time that I was talking in a really disordered way that would be seriously frowned upon here. I would like to clarify I'm not playing anyone--I'm completely honest with my team and the people around me know the reasons for which I'm currently recovering. They are well aware that I am treating this as an experiment that one day I may choose to end. I don't think I'm being cavalier, either; if you've never had a sickness like this you cannot understand the way it colors your life. Yeah, there's plenty of self-loathing going on over here, but to me it seems sensible and the correct response to how I am. And before this gets taken offensively, no, I don't think being thin is the most important or valuable thing in the world, nor being beautiful, nor some vague thing about "societal standards," or whatever, for anyone. (I could go on about how it doesn't matter that no one thinks a person with anorexia is attractive, but a lecture on aesthetics is not what anyone is here for.)
On the other hand, I'm not pretending I like to starve; it genuinely feels good and comforting to me and a lot of the research in EDs lately has shown that they are much more biologically determined than previously thought. There really is something in the way the brain of an anorexic is wired (sorry to use such inaccurate language) that causes calorie restriction to be a legitimately good-feeling (and addictive) experience. It isn't an act. I want to take offense at being called "lazy" and looking for an easy way out, but you're probably right, at least in part.
All that aside, I think what matters is that for now and stretching off into the vanishing point of the future, I [I]am[/I] recovering, and if I'm doing that, I want to do it as optimally as possible. I do take all of your concerns to heart; to be honest, I was expecting to be told I wasn't working out hard enough! So thanks. But for now, I want the same things all of you want: to look fit, be able to exercise hard and well, have low body fat, good hormonal functioning, etc. I don't think that's invalidated by the fact that some day those might not be my goals anymore. If I'm under constraints such that I have no choice but to eat and be healthy, then goddamnit, I'm going to be [I]so fucking healthy[/I]. Otherwise why bother?
I'm sorry if I sound insane, but it's just like, if I can't have ribs, then I'll make some abs instead.[/QUOTE]
Touché; your logical side speaks. I know well, the depths and layers of an ED. Now walk for exercise.
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[QUOTE=gray;930338]On the other hand, I'm not pretending I like to starve; it genuinely feels good and comforting to me and a lot of the research in EDs lately has shown that they are much more biologically determined than previously thought. There really is something in the way the brain of an anorexic is wired (sorry to use such inaccurate language) that causes calorie restriction to be a legitimately good-feeling (and addictive) experience. It isn't an act. I want to take offense at being called "lazy" and looking for an easy way out, but you're probably right, at least in part.[/QUOTE]
Well of course it feels good, so does eating all the processed crap that brought many people here pure misery for years. It doesnt change, it would still feel good if i would start eating that stuff again. Same thing goes for all kinds of drugs. That doesnt make any of it a good idea or means you cant live without it.
And whats more important, "all that matters is now" is a huge bunch of bullshit. I will not going to pretend i like your kind, i had to see two of my friends do the same, its pathetic and their behaviour disgusts me to no end, especially their "oh man i totally made my counselor believe my crap today" when EVERYONE knows, its not hard to notice. Its weak and destroys people all around you, so if you plan on killing yourself again after you are finished, do it alone. Or accept that there are things that make you "feel nice" (im sure your failing heart and guts agree) but you cant have anyway.
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(but also thanks, heather; best I can do for now)
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You should see an endocrinologist in order to see if your hormones are back or close to normal levels, otherwise you won't heal fully before many years.
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That's actually a really good idea; especially since I've been on birth control throughout recovery, so there's no way to tell whether I've gotten menstruation back yet or not.
