Best friend and and I are now referring to these thoughts (suicidal or otherwise randomly negative) as eff-brain (we give it the full **** rendition, but this is a sanitised space). What was very, supremely evident to me last night that this was an eff-endocrine system event. In the space of 10-15 minutes, I went from having a physiological desire reaction - cusp of orgasm with no hands, I was on the train, but really, it takes more than a standard guage for me to reach that particular destination! - to a full-on anxiety attack to a pit of depression event. Truly bizarre, even by my standards. However, because it was very physical and unprovoked, it was easy to discount, even while enduring it (sort of like walking through an emotional mirage).
My eff-brain, in otherwise quiet moments, chants one of the following three things: I want to eat, I want to drink or I want to die. Sort of like internal Tourette's, often the words don't come with any freight of meaning, they are just words.
Last night my eff-brain totally switched up the suicidal ideation on me, much to my surprise. Instead of thinking longingly of hanging, I was filled with exciting thoughts about blood pouring down the drain. As someone who has (once) taken a knife to her veins, this was a slightly dangerous turn of imaginative events.
As today wore on the insects under the skin feelings of self-revulsion were gradually replaced by exhaustion... I'm feeling knackered, but 'normal' now.
Again, even by my somewhat warped standards, the last 24-hours have been very, very strange.
Ugh! Sorry you are having to expend so much energy lately just to exist, and I wish I knew the answer, badger. Hang in there - who else gives me all those good book recommends?!
'Going troppo', 'having a tanty' and 'being a sook': very useful phrases Australia has added to my lexicon of exasperated parenting.
[QUOTE=Crabbcakes;1177231]Ugh! Sorry you are having to expend so much energy lately just to exist, and I wish I knew the answer, badger. Hang in there - who else gives me all those good book recommends?![/QUOTE]
Thanks, matey. All thoughts my way are appreciated. I am swiftly coming to the conclusion that depression is an animal that will try to kill you one way or another, but that 24-hour freak out was really something crazy.
As to eff-brain thoughts, they come and go. More like fish in a tank than anything weighty. I've watched my arm bleed out over a sink and, after a couple of minutes, the thrill is replaced by a sort of bored panic - I got husband to take me to A&E, whereupon the nurse doing triage asked if he'd cut me. I'm not about to pull that stunt (and it was a stunt, albeit a desperate one) again, no matter what eff-brain says. One of the many joys of motherhood - a profound sense of responsibility.
[url=http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2013/may/01/how-you-label-childrens-clothing]How do you label your children's clothes? | Life and style | The Guardian[/url]
See! It's not just me... (I'm currently working through next year's clothes.)
I just bought four pairs of shoes: two pairs of almond-toe flats (one metallic grey, one white), a high-heeled pair of Mary Janes (black, grey and navy), and a pair of black and white sandals. All Naturalizer brand. $180. Good things come to those who wait (and scour the internet for deep discounts).
[QUOTE=badgergirl;1177438]'Going troppo', 'having a tanty' and 'being a sook'.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=badgergirl;1177454]I got husband to take me to A&E[/QUOTE]
Time for another round of definitions in the Limey-Aussie English for Yanks series, please.
Tanty - I suspect "tantrum"
A&E should be our ER, which is the hospital emergency room (actually a department, not just a room)
The rest... Help!
I believe 'Troppo' is going insane, from spending too much time in the sun, 'gone tropical'.
And sook, (pronounced the same as look) is a crybaby, where it comes from, buggered if I know!
[QUOTE=badgergirl;1177883][url=http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2013/may/01/how-you-label-childrens-clothing]How do you label your children's clothes? | Life and style | The Guardian[/url]
See! It's not just me... (I'm currently working through next year's clothes.)[/QUOTE]
I personally think it is sweet. You do sew already, so it is no affectation to me. My mom is a details-oriented person in her sewing, too, and she would absolutely do this if labeling clothing had been needed.
Dave's done the others admirably, A&E: accident and emergency, also called casualty. A slightly different beast than its G Clooney and Noah Wiley-staffed US counterpart. As the National Health Service (NHS) is free at the point of delivery, A&E gets everything from little Johnny who fell over and his parents are over anxious, to drunks, to the participants in a ten-vehicle pile-up and me. I've been there a fair few times.